Tough? Enough!

Had a long hard day. Met with a couple of clients to discuss work. I don't really know what's going on with clients these days? Some of them are playing stupid others are bluntly aggressive. God hope I get to know who I am and where I should fit. I feel like Joseph when he was in prison for no crime he has committed but of a crime he didn't do. Why does life have to be this way?I wish life was a person I would have asked her. She is everywhere but not somewhere. I can only find You God to talk to. I know you read my thoughts even before they become blogs.

To God

Now is the time, When all is gone. When everything I have built have crumbled down to ashes and dust. When all my dreams are sinking. When all my planed have failed.

God what is left for me now? What do I do? Where do I go? Look at what I have ended up to. Look at what I have become! Is death so far away? Or is my tomb mot ready yet? Why do you leave me like this? Where do you go? How do you hide like this? I am Nothing. God listen to me.. I am NOTHING! How do you like that? Tell me how do you accept that? How? Why? God, When? When will it end? When will I leave this earth? When will I be who I really am? I am so down, God please don't mind my useless utterings this very moment for my life is as bitter as Mudd. My breath is as depressed and my heart has no desires. My eyes see no future and my ears hears of no hope. My mind is the bowl of all the dirt and my heart is broken and useless.

Keep me not in this life.. Have mercy on me. Please Lord just let me out, Your way.

Away

When silence is far more communicating than words. When quietness is more meaningful than voice. When it is less effective to speak. When its useless to express. That's when I know that you love me no more.

Those Darn Thoughts

More than a week now and I still cant sleep! Cant close my eyes and Find Rest! O God for how long will I stay excited about everything? Do I have a Child in me and I never knew? Wow I wish it can be true. But still I cant sleep.

what's wrong with those darn mosquitoes!? Why they wake up at night why do they make friends with restless thoughts? Why do they disturb my peace?

I guess I am just a child with a Big "Why" and a big "Question Mark" on his mind. I seek answers and I am never satisfies and never convinced by mediocre answers and explanations.

hell! I am confused tonight. What am I typing?
I guess I need to relax.. Calm down (as one of my friends once told me) yeah.. I guess I feel peace now and go to bed.

Accept - Get over

Taking the wrong step in a dance is not always a forgivable mistake.
that happened to me. In the dance of love. Just as it began, I started on the wrong foot.
But no more regrets, I have learnt the lesson... Well
I will smile and never frown, I will get up leave the memory behind.
Face to the sun no looking back, pressing on pressing hard.

Life, Listen to me ..

I will smile while its Blue
I will hold on to what is True
& I will win whatever you do

so Help me God.

The Hibernation of Feelings

My friends are always dear to me even if they don't know it. They keep their place in my heart though they might not value it. Through time they forget and by time they get colder, Leaving their place to be filled with emptiness.

I cant say I am the best friend anyone can get but I know I got my good sides and my bad sides. My bright days and my dark nights, my abilities and my needs. Don't we all?
Well lately I have decided to bring my feelings into hibernation..

I hope the impact of my words would not be shocking to you but I really believe that's the best thing I can ever do to save my energy and invest my time. Emotions have sucked life and joy out of me for there is no one who really cares about me and who I really am. Everyone is busy with his/her life and whenever the are in a good mode I might appear like a good memory to them. Jesus said:

"love your neighbor as you love yourself"

and yet I have never found that person who would follow what Jesus said yet people think I am very sensitive irrational, a hopeless romantic. I am not. atleast according to the words of Jesus I am not. People deserve and need to be loved and cherished like that but that cold System that we serve has really got into us all.

Another heartbreaking fact I face is that there is no one who would trust you when you knock at their doors to give love not to take. To help not to seek and to support not to be rescued. Many have fears of strangers even the ones with love in their hearts and marks of nails in their wrists.

Jesus My Lord, if they have rejected You, the Perfect One would anybody accept me with all my clumsiness and weakness? I doubt. Please Keep me warm in that Ice Age until the time is right to awake.

Faith

Infront of a Goliath, Before a battle where you are outnumbered, seiging the walls of a City with a guitar in hand, Walking on water, running from a killer queen, Waiting through time & seizing the promise land. If not by faith it wouldn't have happened and none would have broken the rule.

God You know how tired and weak I am, but I will hold on to You. If You are pleased with me I know You will hand me what You promised. My enemy is strong but I look not for appearance, I follow Your words. So Help me be who I am not and Do what I cannot.

The Ice Cube Tunnel

Welcome to the tunnel.. That one has no end and there is no light that might be waiting for you. Forget hope and Love, forget those dreams and those visions. Don't expect anything here. There is nothing left but loneliness and fear.

Oh God sometimes I feel so sick of life that I wish I didn't have to happen to me.
Sometimes I feel I want to Call
yes to call onto someone that I don't know, someone to love and to love me the same way too. And like a mad man I am being judged and my passion is treated as a Joke!

Who Dare Challenge my love? Who would dare to prove more passionate than me? From the looks of your eyes from how people judge me I can say that I am an extreme. I don't care. I am who I am. But.. Unfortunately I haven't found her, the one to contain my passion and enjoy it.

This Is the ICE AGE for sure. People are like statues in Huge Ice Cubes. Cant even cry for help. But I don't want be like you, no I wont enter my ice crypt cube. I want to see the sun.

Its been years now and I am looking for you, Are you out there? Can you hear me? Do you know me? O God how long do I have to wait? Will I end up in an ice cube like all the others? Please don't close the Fridge.

The Downfall and The Uprise

I had a problem. I met a very nice young lady and I was so much attracted to her. As we started to communicate my emotions immensed like a wild horse running fast and strong. I couldn't control it. It revealed itself. She got scared and backed up.
I don't blame her as a matter of fact I can only blame myself and that was my Downfall!
what I did was too much for her to handle. Now when I am out of that Horse body I can tell I was wrong, obsessed. I lost my free spirit. Now after I realized what I have done I was buried in disgrace and shame.

that's when I talked to God. I prayed: "God give me the strength to let her go. To free my heart, to regain my independence." I talked and directed my words to her and I set her free in love. I didn't hate her, she didn't do me any harm. She was as cute as an angel and as nice as a butterfly , as precious to me as a pure diamond. She was not the problem. I was. And to stop myself from being the problem I had to set her free from me.

I did it, by the strength of God, I did. And now I feel so free from that "obsessive me". I bless her and love her the same as I did but she is no longer my obsession and I don't think she will ever be the same as before with me. But anyway let the best be for her and as for me I am not expecting less. No more downfalls to keep me chained, its time for my Uprise.

Ice or Fire

Have you ever felt stupid? Have you ever regretted doing something so much you wished you want to die? I have.
sometimes emotions are incomprehensible, silly and exaggerated. To the mind .. Yes
but this is emotion. Unexplainable. When you put it in words, its never understood and would sound so dumb.
meanwhile brain talk seem so cold like an ice-blade a razor. Very well defined and lacking all meaning and passion but full with certainty and facts.

Have you ever wondered what happens when Ice and Fire collide inside of you?
that's my case, Emotions are like fire and sanity is like ice they struggle in me that I wish I was better not born. Reason humiliates emotion and emotion solidifies reason. But only you suffer that headache because both of them are parts of you.

So that leaves me now for this solution. Balance. Giving room for emotions and logic for reason. But am I the only one out there believing in that? I guess I can tell about others now from the temperature of their skin. Maybe.

My E-Pigeon

Locked in a floating ship, rain and flood all around, it been days no sunlight. You open your small hatch and send a crow away, never comes back. Blindly driven with no rudder, sail or engine no radar or radio, you see no hope no horizon.

I feel the same too sometimes in my life I follow God with all my understanding and strength but there comes a time when I am like a submarine captain with no working equipment and a helpless crew. But I decided to open the hatch and this time, I sent the pigeon away, with a message, An E-Mail. Will it come back one day with hope? Or will it join my absent crow.

Alone

Loneliness is one of the major issues I struggle with. And it always keeps me awake thinking.. "Would tomorrow be the same like today was?". Its terrible when you don't have a partner someone who shares your life with you equally. You stay dissatisfied feeling you miss something.. Someone.

I don't know about you, if u have the same problem too. Maybe you are married and you still feel it and maybe you are single and you don't bother by it. But somewhere within your life I know u must feel this somewhere. Maybe, ,maybe I am wrong. Doesn't matter. I am only a human being, I can be wrong and I can be right. Its the pleasure of discovering I guess that keeps us going.

God, sometimes I feel I want to shout out loud and make some noise, saying nothing I don't care, just to get some attention. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born yet, though deep inside I long for life. Really I wouldn't want to leave life and quit breathing, but I get so stubborn and rebellious that I would crush the same thing I have created like an artist destroying his artwork. And though its somehow different, Moses also crushed the 10 commandments when he found the people worshipping other gods than Jehovah, who they followed out of Egypt. Seems to me from where I stand, all people are the same.