Slow sleep

Across the slow moving Nile of Cairo, A silent and peaceful night. On the back of a sailing hippo, while reflections shine bright. It's been long since I last heard silence, it's been so long since I sailed with someone. Someone to bring a little sophistication in my time of consciousness for I have dwelt on dreams, lived amongst the shadows of illusions. Twinkling lights may have no meaning from a distance but fills the scene with warm feeling. The breeze was so warm, so soft and kind to put anyone to bed so peacefully that you would wake up without memory and without regret. The Nile argues and wins, it can convince you, it can own you and get into you with all its soft persuading waves, with its smooth slow honey like motion. And so it was, just like a baby her eyes closed longing for that pillow and those dreams of sweet nature.

The City Song

City swarms with lights, but lights never shine its nights.
Cars roll wheels, burning steel, moving faster than I feel.
Life, Life is everywhere but not a heart beat to feel.
Habitation of human manifestation. Forgotten salvation.

Cold metals feel the heat while hearts refuse to beat.
rubber may melt and burn while eyes refuse to turn.
bricks blend with concrete while hands refuse to meet.
Wires twist and turn, while minds refuse to learn.

Here, where we thought we'd find heaven, where we thought we'd be forgiven.
Here, where our dreams were too bright, we thought we could and we might.
Here is all you promised me that I believed. Here, all I found was deceit.

Sailing Space

Black, Peaceful and so quiet is everything around. I would stare at through my window for hours and hours; and its still black, peaceful and quiet. Moving through that endless space doesn't really give me a feeling of how fast or how slow is it, I don't even know how far I have gone. All I know is my heading, dream and destination. Parting is never pleasant.. Never. Sometimes You have to ride where you didn't really plan to go, I keep reminding myself: "It's for the best", and Yes, it is! Trough all this trip I have nothing to do, no ideas to discuss and no memories to remember for all I have is to wait. Just to wait: not in despair, not in boredom, not in complaint and definitely not in regrets; for at in unexpected moment, at any second in time: my destiny would appear, in the midst of darkness and in the stillness of silence. I Believe.

Enough

Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing you ever think you should. That goes with forgiveness. Sometimes the deepest wound is the hardest to forget but always the hardest to cure. To give, To wait only grows more expectations. Not to receive brings disappointments and heart breaks. It's never easy for relationships, when one is very much into it with his whole heart and the other is only judging from behind the wall. It's not easy when one is so free to be and the other is placing so much restrictions. It's not easy when one is natural and the other is motivated by fears from the past. Its not right when both are not on same ground. Its not fair when you let someone to give you while you only need to waste what's been given away. It's not right to let someone wait for a false hope, I don't want to see someone suffer for another's pleasure. Enough.

What is fair? What is right? What is true? What is noble? What is pure? It's too late to ask, Too late to discuss. It's over now and all I have is to forgive.

When it does..

My heart will leave the setting sun of hate, anger and despair. This is not for me no more. Nothing else should be in me, nothing else but pure love. I want to smile to the rising sun of love and hope.. I will.

My Doors shall never close in rejection and fear. This too wont dwell in me no more. I am an open book and still I shall be. It wont weaken me if I am crystal clear, It will only raise what I am worth. Some day I will be valued by the one who will know and understand.. I know.

My soul shall not be alone no more, shall not be isolate. I wasn't created for distance, I was created to be a center and an axis. I shall not deprive my presence from acknowledgement. Even if tonight I spend on my own in bed, tomorrow night wont have to be this way.. I'm certain

My life shall not fail to exist nor turn to blackness. My life is a sun, so brilliant and bright I wont let it turn to be a black hole. Even if everyone enjoys my warmth and light without gratitude I don't care, I wont shrink but when the dark comes I will be missed and valued. Even if not appreciated or cherished today, Tomorrow will come when I will be.. I believe.

Love Wins, I believe.

Aftermath of the Heart

Talk, talk, don't stop. Open up, speak it out. O heart of mine don't be silent, stop burying yourself in the dark. Say it, tell the whole story, say the password. How many times will you live? How many lives do you have other than this one? Don't ever regret a moment you spent, don't regret all that you have done, No Don't push yourself away o heart of mine. I don't want you to die on me now. Open up don't keep your silence, please don't choke life out of you. I know you loved her and I know you hurt, even though you are now without hope and even though I wouldn't agree for you to step further but this way you will only poison yourself, you will drown in sorrow and drag me with you. We are not to part o heart of mine, for we are both in this temple never to part. Love? What about it? Speak! Say it, I know what you keep deep inside of you. Help me help you. Don't die on me tonight, keep beating. When your beatings fail, I feel it, I drag into this long sleep too. If you want to die why don;t you say it?? Say it just say anything, anything. I have shut you up so many times, stopped you from even admitting it after that sad Monday but now I am telling you speak, I will listen, I wont stop you. Say the magic words, Speak them up loud, Shut them up or just scream them! YOU LOVE HER! And STILL DAMN YES YOU DO FOR I STILL LOVE HER TOO.. I still do.

Listen, calm down. I know its hard for you. Everything seem to remind you of her. Its hard to forget, even drugs didn't do you no good. Listen to me, I will lead you down my icy ways. I know my way is so cold for you, but it will take you back home again, I will heal you if you listen to me. I know my words are cold and hail to you, but they are true. Believe me, you will heal and those memories will fade away. It's going to be over soon believe me. O blind heart of mine, though you loved till the end of your existence, though you opened up wide, though you gave yourself and everything you had and I don't blame you for that, for I did the same too but I smile for I did all I had, all I was and all I can. Sing with me, just dance under the heat of this summer, lets jump in the sea. We did all that we were, did all that we could. We were willing to give up everything for the one we chosen to love. Take it this way.. At least now we know she is not for us, how else would we know? I guess now we will not be afraid to loose her anymore for now you and I know she is not for me. If we coiled in fear we would have been still trying to get her attention, patiently waiting for a sweet word or a date from her, now things are more clear to us. She cant hurt you no more, I promise you no more pain O heart of mine. It's over now believe me. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, a new life. I believe that Father will heal us, I believe He will gather us to one we have been waiting for some day. So cheer up, Hope now is not a person, its in Him not her anymore. Come one, Yes beat again those beats of joy! Free yourself from grief and sorrow. Tomorrow will be better I promise, No more pain, No more..

Final Curtains

That scene ended in goodbyes. It's still hard to remember that moment, letting go was never easy; specially for me. Been more like a week now, cleaning up the mess in me, putting things in place, speaking up my mind and feelings. I never saw that coming, I thought we were getting closer but I guess I was wrong, we were just heading to a crossroads and the time was set for us to go each to our separate ways. Hmh, I guess I have objected long enough, fought, wrestled, talked and tried all my energy out but no regrets and no hard feelings. Now my battle is not to build, not to reach out anymore, but to restrain my horse and get it to submission to ride on again and to head after my destiny. I wonder why I write, I guess I got used to. I only feel free when I write, for absolutely no one can ever listen to my words for my feelings are so intense that they melt the lead shields of the solid rock hearts of the ones who listen. I know I am Hell and a Furnace, I know I am a rock and a rolling burden, but I know that I am here on this earth.. For now. Maybe that's why I prefer to write, so I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of pulling a soul into depression. But You God are not like any nor like all, You bear me and understand. Only You can deal with my tormented nature, for this I still smile. I have You.

Eyes of the blind

O eyes of mine, you have been open wide, for such a long time. You seek to see but nothing came to be. You had your dreams, you had your doubts. You have seeked the vision in the wandering clouds. Time ticks arround as you stay bound, leaving behind its boring sound. And as it goes by, and as your chances fly. You face the dark, you can't deny. But one day it will be known to your mind, when the sun is up, You are not blind.

Unknown, Banished & Forgotten

You have been there all the time, down under, far away from recognition and definitely so far from all sorts of appreciation. Cars roll past by you and streams of light flicker across. Seasons came and past by, years, months and days. You sat there watching time as lines carved signatures in your face. They have laid you down low even that your screams are not even heard. You keep your tears to yourself, and you fold on your bleeding wounds. Many have known you but none really cared. Have you waited for a savior? Or dreamt of a lover? None came to claim, none could stand still, none could take the test. All has failed you. You spill your diamonds at the feet of your dreams & your gold before your saviors. They walk over it and pass by. No language to tell or make that deaf zone brighten up into voices of music and poetry. Who understands you? Will anyone ever do? You have spread your arms and spoke the words out loud: " I am the prize, whoever gets me gets everything " but none understood. You, I know you. Since our first days on earth, since even before we were born. Yes, I know you. You have drained me out of my power and walls, you wanted to open up but I wanted to close. Now look at us now, what have we become? What have I done? Where have you gone now?
And though you are the heart and I am the mind.. I guess that both of us are blind!

Can't find a title

I know I might be wrong about a lot of things in my life, I know I have stepped on so many toes, I know sometimes I hurt. Never meant her no pain, no hurt. I might be a little clumsy, a little voluntary, a little strange but deep in me is a very sensitive heart. I know I am a bit stubborn, a bit tracked but I am always open minded and wanting to learn and eager to change to the better version of me.
I know I am not perfect, but what would Jesus choose to tell the judges to do about me? Will He tell them to do justice and stone me until I am buried under that pile of condemnations? ..I would stand speechless though for I believe. I believe that Jesus really understands and though my heart fades away a beat, though my mind grows weary, though my being feels hollow. Sometimes I don't know what to write, what to say or how to express. Don't know where to start. I am only learning how to dance but it seems like I got no chance. I would just need her words to tell me how, make me understand where my foot steps go with the rhythm, how my hands and shoulders should move with the tune. I have been trying to guess my way all around, its been so dark for me to see, I needed all the hints and help I could get but I seem to keep crashing in the wall again and again while all I needed was those little tips to guide my way. But it seems like I don't know what. I don't really know where to go, who would tell me. Who would really show me how to move with her and feel her, who would make me feel her own heart deep inside. If her lips wouldn't open to reveal her feelings and disappointments, I will stay be moving in the dark.
God I feel so bad, I don't know what to do. I don't know anything and I just keep missing her and worst of all is that I know she is hurting and I don't want her to hurt and I still don't know what to do. I am so confused, don't know what to think. Not even sure if she ever read my words that she would get me right and not even be more hurt. I am scared. Don't want to hurt her no more, her reaction makes me freak out of myself. Sometimes I ask myself what have I done and keep looking at the mirror trying to see the monster on the other side. Am I so horrible? Am I so scary? Hurting and so evil as I feel about myself right now? I pray you Father, If the answer is "yes" to those questions that You would protect her from me, even if the story would end with a spear that would go through my heart. God, You know. You know that I love her from all my heart, like I have never felt love before. I wish..................

Among the crowd..

Among the crowd, I pushed my way through the rush hours of day. Hopeless maybe, alone for sure. I made it that far on my own and I think I did fine. A load of thougts were on my mind as I opened that door; Yes, that door. The door that took me to a different world and a different face. From that moment on I knew that my destiny has dramatically changed, My future was no more mine & my heart was not inbetween my ribs. That moment I saw her. Yes, she was as beautiful as an angel and Yes, she stole my heart as a devil. She is unexplainable, uncomprehedible but yet so wonderful. I got no words, I would just lie underneath the stars and wonder. A lot of things don't really matter to me, What is mine now is a thing of the past. All my life became just a moment in time, everything stood still in me; now all that I want is to love her with all my being, in every bit of my existence, till the end of time.

Awaited to be..

The dawn I have waited for after that long lonely dark night, touched my cold dry skin. The life I missed when I was in the bottom of the sea of parting, created a new breath in the quietness of my despair. All that I closed my eyes desperate for, have came back and brought me Hope. I was black and now I am white, I was in the dark but now I am in the light. Yesterday was to me the end of the fight, today; Love shines bright. Let today be forever, let us enjoy this endeavor. To be together: One. Bonded in powerful ribbons of love, defying the tests of time and the thorns of fear. Be my heart and soul, and I will be your shell and strength. Be my life and blood in my veins, and I will be your body and your being. Be me, for eternity. Be the light for me to see, my Hope and ecstasy. Be who you were to be.. Fill that space in me.

Pain, The Pain

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

Pain No

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

The Struggle

For days, long nights, weeks and months I lived on a dream to be loved by her. With all my imagination, fantasies, facts and long hard trials I have seeked her. In every bit of flesh in me, in every drop of blood I have longed for her. And now at the cliff of parting I have to stand. Deep inside there is a global war! All that is ME still wants her and all that I know says it will never happen. Armies of raging heart beats tears my existence with razor blade memories of her whom I once loved. Brigades of rational thoughts batter my mind with reasons and wisdom that pushes a spear into my being and letting it through. By Heaven and Hell, By Life and Death I have loved her. But look at me now, I have become so transparent, so thin, fragile and worn out. If I can make a deal with God to shorten my days for only one sentence to hear from her saying " I love you", I would sign it right away. If I can give up all my future for her to be with me, I wouldn't hesitate. Love that once made me be, now is killing me. Love that brought me once sunshine, now is bringing a storm. I thought she wanted me, thought she really needed me. I guess it was all in my head. I dreamt that she would grab hold of me and never let me go, dreamt she would walk over everything just to be with me. I was wrong. She walked over my heart, and held firm to everything else but me. I have given my heart to an image in my mind, I acted all the way as if I was blind. How far do I have to go to get her out of my heart? Shall I go to the ends of the earth or would that be too close? Shall the edge of sanity bring me relief? Would I spend my whole life trying? Maybe my rest is not in life, Would I forget her in the afterlife? I don't want to cry in heaven, for eternity my tears will flow like rivers that will spread the rain on earth till God make me new again in His love; till God wipes those tears dry and mend that broken heart of mine. I wish I could hate her whom I once loved; I can't and I can never do. In this whole war that is inside, there is only one who will loose.. And its me.

What's impossible?

Will she ever understand? Will she ever know? Will she ever realize what is possible and what's impossible? Will she ever get to this place of knowledge to find the truth? Will she ever be convinced? My hands are tied, my mouth is sewed shut, my eyes are blind folded and my legs are crippled. How can I express what I can't put in words. How can I even write down what I haven't any words to express? The pain, the anger, the missing, the love and the rage I feel; are like a drop in the ocean of wild contrasting emotions in the inverted sky of my being. Never break a man's heart. I am not me anymore, and all I have is myself. I took the risk and placed my heart in her hands but she couldn't handle it. My heart is fire, lit by the flames of the sun. It could either made her warm, protected her like a wall around her and gave her light or just burnt her in its flames. She couldn't take my passion and affection, couldn't take my devotion and preferred my distance and parting. Instead of my hug, she wanted just a photograph; instead of my kiss she preferred an email; instead of my love she wanted friendship. I got nothing to blame her, I just want to be alone, away from her; to be somewhere calm so that I can heal and try to put off the fire of love that has burnt my heart, to forget that Image of her who I once loved, to put off the hope I once lived and the light that once made me smile. But will she understand? Will she ever know? Will she realize what is impossible for me to do?

O heart of mine

Driving along the sleepless streets of Cairo, I took the long way home. Didn't want to go home anyway, guess I was just keeping myself busy: or maybe just trying to run away from myself. Mind was like a restless top, kept whirling around thinking; trying to put the pieces of this life puzzle together. Heart was not feeling well, caught up in denial of its actual status; helplessly trying to fill the empty space inside. I pictured an empty room as I was driving, it was so real that all that I actually saw seemed like a background movie. It was so empty and grey, as if no one lived there; but I did, I was just invisible and maybe I was grey as well. Someone took out the salt out of food, color out of nature and warmth out of me. Someone brought sunset so quickly that I couldn't enjoy the sunrise. Someone who was right here in this room, now left me with memories, hope and emptiness. Stupid I am! I should watch where I am driving. The night was so dark, the moon was pretty. Who knows what the day will bring? Ah my heart just shivered bitterly, poor thing I wouldn't mind if you stop and I wouldn't blame you if you failed me. O heart of mine, wish I could put you to rest, wish I had answers for you; wish I could tell you where your love has gone: all I can say is hang in there if you can, but if you can't I can never blame you. O heart of mine, you have met a lot of blades than men of war had, you have hurt deeper that sacrifices felt, you have flooded the dry lands with tears more than the clouds of the time of Noah did. Where is your love? Where is your life? How long can you hang on? How much can you bear?

I felt my heart answer, not in words but in beats.. Soft steady beats, like the soft waves of a tranquil sea. Very soft I couldn't feel them, like the fading sunset and the fainting scents. I wish you could talk to me as I do to you O heart of mine. Forgive me for I never knew how sensitive you are.. You can go, and leave my chest if you want to. You can stop and bring us to rest. You can even get angry at me if you want to. O heart of mine, I wish you were not mine and I guess you wish the same way too.

Thoughts Devoured

My heart hurts me and I don't know why. Been sailing this raging sea for so long, lost a lot; can't deny. Mountains of tranquility call my mind to dream of their outstanding serenity and amazing solidity. Waves of confusion and irrationability blows the sails of my mind into unwanted currents that drift me off course. Sailing this sea has never been easy anyone.. And definitely not for me.

thoughts boil in my heart evaporates visions of those mountains, but my senses blow away this wonderful vapor and exhales out facts and diminishes all those outstanding fantasies. Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper...
Will this game ever settle a score? Or will a mad man's wish go unfulfilled till his days go wasted away? Rock - Scissors - Paper, Will you ever make peace? Will I know the answer laying the fleece? Mindless heaven and meaningless haven is the no answer relief. Short term peace it is, one day flower, sunrise in a storm and a shooting star light. But me no settle for fake diamonds nor sign nominal treaties, for me seek truth however bitter cup it might pour in, whatever it may take and however it has to be.

Time, I wish it was only a matter of time. Ticks have kept me awake at night, counting them but never reaching a stop nor even knowing where I started. Man's days are numbered by watches & clocks. So strange how the smallest lifeless thing can carry so much wisdom and a messages to deliver. Mind is sick, so sick wants to go to make chaos and destroy sanity.

.. I should get some sleep.

The Mastery of Vanity

The dark black infection to the mind of the merry is like a wing swing of a bee. Yellows and blacks contrast inside the soul of the poisoned tearing his solidity and darkening his space. None of understanding might comprehend but he of sense might know the riddle of the demanding pressure of affection. To foretell might be easier and to predict is smoother than the realization of the truth between the muscle folds of the beating heart. The yet unfashionable words of understanding are the words of passion and the undesired meanings are those of unity. This ungrateful rock spins around its demise in the orbit of vanity. The faces made resemblance to the ground where their roots have held firm. Fruits of tar bring no pleasure and leaves of abandonment leave no color signature. Dark blacks and dull yellows cover the whole with the sinful poison of loneliness and abomination of self pity. Shall it be told? Or have it been foretold? I doubt.

Frown Clown

I walked through those curtains, into the lights. People cheered, children giggled. My charisma was enough to make the crowd go wild for without a word I could make them bounce on their chairs. Everything about me is unique, my clothes, hat and shoes even my make up and my red round nose. I do all sorts of crazy haircuts. Who cares? I am only good for a smile and my memory only lasts for a while. When the lights go down and the curtain falls I go back home. After I have been surrounded by hundreds, now I am all alone.