That Darn Insomnia

Been more than two nights now.. Can't sleep!
Mind goes on thinking and thinking like crazy, heart troubled with his own beat. I sleep for a moment and yet dreams attack me, I see faces, people, events but I don't understand what's going on. Entrenched somewhere with bullets flying around and I can hardly know where do they come from. My spirit and body are troubled, something is wrong but I can't figure out what yet. In the past I used to see my enemies face to face, those hideous scorpions, those cunning snakes, those ugly beasts and demons, but recently I see none. Have they put on masks? Or are they using a different medium? I don't know. I seek to write because I find refuge in speaking out my mind to myself in clear and plane words. It's hard, I can hardly find peace, can hardly close my eyes and retire to sleep.

On that Altar of Obedience..

Sacrifices, the letting go process. The choice I make to confirm my choice and establish my devotion to the destiny I peruse. I have placed a lot on that altar, but never enough. A lot but not all. I know it has to be complete, paid in full or else it would be meaningless. What good is a sacrifice if I only place what I don't care about on that altar? What kind of a choice is it that I make by not eliminating the magnets that pull me in the other direction and wouldn't stop pulling me somewhere I don't choose. Would I sacrifice the bull if I can't let go of the sheep? Would I give up what's of great value to me while I can't give up the nonsense I keep? Shall a thief be entrusted with the stores of gold while his hands still steal the straw? Shall the dishonest be treated as the one who cares about the slightest of the details that really shows his honesty? There is a reason I was given those little tests that people saw as narrow mindedness. There were reasons beyond our shallow human eyes and minds. The one who's honest, is honest; in minor issues as well as major ones. It's either light or darkness. There is no grey zones to the eyes of God. His eyes of justice sees clear and discerns well, much better than anybody. His angle and perspective are the absolute, that which I want to follow and see. It's a long trip up that mountain, my legs are weak and my strength is faint. The way to that altar is nothing but the way of death, my carnal corpse only seeks to escape but my deep soul seeks to step forward. Make my soul stronger, for I know that death is life for the body, while rest is real death of my existence. For the seed has to die to live, creatures have to suffer to bring out offspring, sometimes they have to die for other species to live. A predator's life is what keeps the prey kind from dying out of starvation if they increase in multitude. Shall I ignore the wisdom He placed in nature and life and in His words? Shall I wear that eye band and pretend I am enlightened and intelligent? A genius to myself and others but a fool and a joke to Him who have created me and to life and the laws of existence. I must go up, there where my heart longs, to that place of pain and sacrifice. A moment of pain yet years of joy yet to come. Shed no tears, spill the milk and the honey you gathered for yourself over that altar for they were not to fill you nor make you happy, You will only be happy when you are free. When you drop all that you have carried and cared for, all those sick selfish desires and those decaying possessions. You will only be alive when your wings are strong and your body is light, when you can spread your wings and fly, soar where you belong between those high heavenly clouds, where vision is clear and the joy is endless. The heaven has called your heart a lot, in your visions and dreams. You can almost hear it deep within your heartbeats all the time. Take a step forward, climb up towards that altar. Today is what will bring tomorrow as you saw it in your visions ahead of its time. Now is what will make then be as it should. A drop of blood now is nothing but invested salvation for tomorrow and the days to come. Close those eyes, feel it. The touch of His Spirit of Strength and Might. Hold onto that arm of His, Be strong and He will make you stronger, all you who hope in the LORD.

I have made my choice, I chose You Father and I have placed all on that altar..

Unfathomable

The deep dark blues took over that night, black wasn't far from reach. Words are never to easy to be grasped as meanings seem to twist into riddles. I have spoken but none understood, sang but none listened. I seek one to know my deep secrets but found none, I have been mistaken again. Maybe I expected what God should have given me, from man. Maybe I am wrong again, but the fact only tells me that my expectations were never met.. Will they ever be? ..Maybe.

Rebel

I think I am going to explode. HELL! What do I care if I do? How would it matter? Sick! We all look for a purpose and a reason to live, a Difference to make or a Change. DAMN nothing never seem to change since BC! It`s the same old repeated story of silly events and predictable endings. Sick! The more the story is repeated the more we feel that the past was more original. Burn the flags, make of them some more useful toilet paper. What good is a country, what's the use of borders? Protection? Or control? Is it good 4 the people? Or the leaders? HELL with politics! The educate people to obey but never to create. Follow and never to lead! It's a sick Game to play and more sick to witness. Where is the Humanity? Our Human Identity? We are an offspring of one man, now we are only strangers to eachother, neverless; Enemies! Come on for God's sake grab my hand! What? You don't believe in God? I wont care less if you do. It's hard to find God in churches or mosques or synagogues or even pagan temples. Hold my hand and make a stand for the freedom of the human race. Freedom not from aliens nor tyrants, freedom from ignorance and narrow minded lives that we have been living. Unity instead of the parties we follow, Diversity instead of the monotonousity we seek. Maybe when we do this, maybe when we are one, we may find God. For God dwells not in the temples made of ideas and stones.. But in Humanity.

Good Bye

A good father, a Pastor and a friend. A smile never faded, a hug never cold and care that never dissolved. Passion beyond, energy, wisdom and strength filled. More than human, angelic and godly. A man of innocence and wisdom. A man I will sure miss.. Pastor Dave, I will miss you.

Evil.. No Peace

Evil, in the news, in bytes, in smiles, in words and in deceitful kisses. Another Cairo night with victims and murderers, innocence dispersed, freedoms contained lives purchased. Souls of the dead on that train scream from their hell for the justice of the God of Heavens. "cut their arms" they scream, rip them off, wash the streets with rain of their blood, blood of the untouchables, immortals and the so called divine. News, bringer of heart aches and black dawns. Curses rise like smoke to the Lord of Heavens, His eyes are closed, He hardly hold back his sword, His mercy pulls Him back. Restrains his justice.. But not forever, the day is coming and will be upon us soon. My heart burns, twists and turns not feeling right and that's a bad sign. "No Peace" says the Lord to the evil ones.. No peace

Hindering Sands

It has been long, so long since I have felt a thing, wrote or even thought, Nights and days seem so much alike. Time turns and no more change to feel. Heart lives no more and mind doesn't exist. Drowning in the sea of sorrows, cant breath joy no more. Left my tribe and people, loneliness is common, normal and a daily word I got used to mingle with. Its the sea, the salt, the burning sun and the hindering sands of this summer that have brought misery to my hear and death to my soul.. Since she's gone I am not me anymore.

I can't tell heaven from hell, can't see the smiles from the veil. I have traded my Hero for ghosts.. I have left my role in a war for a lead role in a cage. Though I wish she was here, I still keep my fears. I thought we were two souls in one life bowl, but I guess I was wrong (tribute to PinkFloyd's Wish you were here)

Largo

Winter, The season when I first met the earth. A season where the cold rain parts lovers while it washes away the dust off the dry leaves. Winter, where all the loneliness show as you try to get warm.. Alone. A season that never seemed to end in my life, doesn't seem to pass by or go away. As if time stopped the moment I was born, as if this planet decided not to tilt and bring me the spring. How I long for the spring sun, for its warm golden touch to warm up my skin and melt the ice cube that holds my heart. Yellow instead of blue. Sometimes I forget how roses and blossoms looked like, the color of fields, the joy of little children. Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if summer was here? Would all this.....

Is summer drawn on a a face of woman? Is spring her body? Would autumn be her hair? And I am the winter? Here, somewhere on this planet. Somewhere in this life and during these times there is a woman, more beautiful than my wildest imagination and more pure than my expectations. A woman to be known not by my sight and senses but my heart and mind, my very own soul for she was a part from me once before and now we are only apart. A matter of time and patience. If it was up to my eyes I would have found her but it's not. Eyes deceive, but the spirit knows and is certain. Sometimes the beast in me wants to break down walls and cry her name out loud, to jump ahead of time and rush into what's never meant to be for sake of escaping that coldness and stiffness that winter brings. Mind too confused, struggling with the heart.

This war have used up all my resources and drained all my energy. This road have wasted my time in an endless pursuit. Like Osiris, I feel like I want to gather all the pieces of me to be whole again, one with my being.

Mind Scraps

I bent down my guitar, stopped my strings, relaxed my fingers and disengaged my mind. The song of life comes to an end and the words of love to a pause. No more notes to read and no more beats to lead. On that stage I was, but never meant to be. It's not for glory but a guilt stand. It's not a crown, it's a cross. It's not where I shine, but that's where I fade. Where me is not important but music is..

The land screams: "no more life, I will sell them for a price of none!". Keep your curses to your self o blood drinking sand. Your heart is a grave and your face is pain. I saw you disperse the lovers and spread away friends. Till when shall your times be as it was? Till when shall you whirl around taking the ones I care for away? O dragon of hell and doom, bringer of frown and gloom. Shall I drive a spear up your lofty heart, spill your blood for the ones who had to part?

What's the matter with me? Why do I see life as a battle ground? Am I paranoid? Or is it that I hurt? Am I true or delusional? Wise or mad? Frank or deceived? Should I rest this weary stone to bed? Would a dream carry away reality or would it just turn it to another nightmare?

Enough of this meaningless talk. Why do I want to escape the truth? I know I will miss her. Why deny? Am I protecting myself? Hell! I think I should stop writing and start sleeping. It will help pass the time at least.

Facing the East

This morning I work up, touched the ground with my bare feet and looked out of my window towards the light. I remembered a request of a dear friend, asking me to send her something she missed in a message of words. I smiled walked on and took a step into those magic rays of the east; those that I have been hiding myself from in that concrete cave where I dwell...

Though it's not flesh, It touched me and though its only light it got into me. Slowly but surely warming up my skin, shivering the coldness away and driving the humidity out of my flesh. Mastering it's arts its rays sunk beneath my skin, filling my cells with life. Like a plant I felt my leaves revive and as a tree I stretched to the light. My colors grew brighter and the hue of my skin became more colorful and more beautiful. Though my eyes were closed, It was so bright. I opened my eyes to see life more beautiful, full of shades and lights. Full of contrast, brightness and color. It has reached my mind and spine, with warm indulgence it embraced my flesh and strengthened my bones, regenerating my power and filling me with divine energy, making me feel one with the universe; a part never to separate from life. Dancing this very slow and romantic dance across the face of this planet around the orbit of our existence. It is what pulls us close and pushes us apart, keeping all in harmony and perfect timing. It is the Sun.

The Waste!

I don't believe it was love, I don't believe it was ever meant to be. It wasn't true, It wasn't about giving it was all selfishly taking. Now I know that she never loved me, she only wanted me, She couldn't take the chance of letting me go, with all the good I brought with me to her life, to all the meaning I carried in my words for her. All that she wanted was to keep this pleasure I brought to her life, but when it comes to commitment she freaks out. She never loved me and never will, she only enjoyed me, squeezed pleasure out of my devotion and care. Who is she and who am I? The perfect love crime is when the victim co-operates with the criminal, to the extent of wasting himself. Yes, it was the perfect crime. I helped her. "waste me" I said invitingly, giving up my heart for one who never deserved the offer, devotion for a traitor, care for the careless. Irony! I was blind but now I see brighter than light; I know. War, on all that you left in me. War, is all I have for your memories. War, on all the ways that you drove me through. And though I forgive you, but you have no place in me no more. You are no more welcome in my life for eternity. So drop all your plans of sweet talking your way back to my life for now I see you for who you really are. You can't hide no more, I know your strategies, your plans, priorities and even your dreams. For spirit sees beyond skin, deeper than what the eyes can see. I am no longer flesh, for you have murdered me.

The Wait

It's been haunting my brain for too long now, that terrible sticking headache. That pulse of pain that zaps across my neurons; that wave of hurt that runs through my system. Yes, I hurt but No, I'm not sick.. At least not physically. I believe it's my heart not my mind. I got a knife; a dagger: should I cut it out? Or just stab it? Is my cure in steel? Maybe. Would poison kill the pain? Or would that be another try in vain? Will drugs separate the hurt? Will medicine erase the memories? Or will they grow in me another obsession? I have put my heart through all the tests, examined it so closely and yet I don't understand why.. Why does it hurt? What keeps it feeling this way? Is time my cure? Does anyone know this for sure?? Why do my tears reject release? Why do I keep my sorrow to myself? Why do I write it down and keep it before me? Why does the past steal my future and rob me days of my pleasure? A land of thorns, a charging ox with horns, that asphalt ground, mourning with a terrible sound.. And You who read and listen, who know all stay so silent and quiet. You who has been with me from the beginning watch and wait. You who I have trusted and will. You who is dear to me, who I have no one else, Till when God will you keep your eyes closed and your ears shut to the cries and screams of my torn apart heart? How long? I choose to have no other choice but to wait and I will because You will Help me but.. Can You just move the time a bit faster? I ask for silly things that I know wont happen, You wont listen though You do. I will trust You and I will trust Your way. I should and I will and You will be on time.. The right time. That which I was promised will be for me and all that You have done will show the greatness of your plans and ways. Till that dawn shines, I wait.

Slow sleep

Across the slow moving Nile of Cairo, A silent and peaceful night. On the back of a sailing hippo, while reflections shine bright. It's been long since I last heard silence, it's been so long since I sailed with someone. Someone to bring a little sophistication in my time of consciousness for I have dwelt on dreams, lived amongst the shadows of illusions. Twinkling lights may have no meaning from a distance but fills the scene with warm feeling. The breeze was so warm, so soft and kind to put anyone to bed so peacefully that you would wake up without memory and without regret. The Nile argues and wins, it can convince you, it can own you and get into you with all its soft persuading waves, with its smooth slow honey like motion. And so it was, just like a baby her eyes closed longing for that pillow and those dreams of sweet nature.

The City Song

City swarms with lights, but lights never shine its nights.
Cars roll wheels, burning steel, moving faster than I feel.
Life, Life is everywhere but not a heart beat to feel.
Habitation of human manifestation. Forgotten salvation.

Cold metals feel the heat while hearts refuse to beat.
rubber may melt and burn while eyes refuse to turn.
bricks blend with concrete while hands refuse to meet.
Wires twist and turn, while minds refuse to learn.

Here, where we thought we'd find heaven, where we thought we'd be forgiven.
Here, where our dreams were too bright, we thought we could and we might.
Here is all you promised me that I believed. Here, all I found was deceit.

Sailing Space

Black, Peaceful and so quiet is everything around. I would stare at through my window for hours and hours; and its still black, peaceful and quiet. Moving through that endless space doesn't really give me a feeling of how fast or how slow is it, I don't even know how far I have gone. All I know is my heading, dream and destination. Parting is never pleasant.. Never. Sometimes You have to ride where you didn't really plan to go, I keep reminding myself: "It's for the best", and Yes, it is! Trough all this trip I have nothing to do, no ideas to discuss and no memories to remember for all I have is to wait. Just to wait: not in despair, not in boredom, not in complaint and definitely not in regrets; for at in unexpected moment, at any second in time: my destiny would appear, in the midst of darkness and in the stillness of silence. I Believe.

Enough

Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing you ever think you should. That goes with forgiveness. Sometimes the deepest wound is the hardest to forget but always the hardest to cure. To give, To wait only grows more expectations. Not to receive brings disappointments and heart breaks. It's never easy for relationships, when one is very much into it with his whole heart and the other is only judging from behind the wall. It's not easy when one is so free to be and the other is placing so much restrictions. It's not easy when one is natural and the other is motivated by fears from the past. Its not right when both are not on same ground. Its not fair when you let someone to give you while you only need to waste what's been given away. It's not right to let someone wait for a false hope, I don't want to see someone suffer for another's pleasure. Enough.

What is fair? What is right? What is true? What is noble? What is pure? It's too late to ask, Too late to discuss. It's over now and all I have is to forgive.

When it does..

My heart will leave the setting sun of hate, anger and despair. This is not for me no more. Nothing else should be in me, nothing else but pure love. I want to smile to the rising sun of love and hope.. I will.

My Doors shall never close in rejection and fear. This too wont dwell in me no more. I am an open book and still I shall be. It wont weaken me if I am crystal clear, It will only raise what I am worth. Some day I will be valued by the one who will know and understand.. I know.

My soul shall not be alone no more, shall not be isolate. I wasn't created for distance, I was created to be a center and an axis. I shall not deprive my presence from acknowledgement. Even if tonight I spend on my own in bed, tomorrow night wont have to be this way.. I'm certain

My life shall not fail to exist nor turn to blackness. My life is a sun, so brilliant and bright I wont let it turn to be a black hole. Even if everyone enjoys my warmth and light without gratitude I don't care, I wont shrink but when the dark comes I will be missed and valued. Even if not appreciated or cherished today, Tomorrow will come when I will be.. I believe.

Love Wins, I believe.

Aftermath of the Heart

Talk, talk, don't stop. Open up, speak it out. O heart of mine don't be silent, stop burying yourself in the dark. Say it, tell the whole story, say the password. How many times will you live? How many lives do you have other than this one? Don't ever regret a moment you spent, don't regret all that you have done, No Don't push yourself away o heart of mine. I don't want you to die on me now. Open up don't keep your silence, please don't choke life out of you. I know you loved her and I know you hurt, even though you are now without hope and even though I wouldn't agree for you to step further but this way you will only poison yourself, you will drown in sorrow and drag me with you. We are not to part o heart of mine, for we are both in this temple never to part. Love? What about it? Speak! Say it, I know what you keep deep inside of you. Help me help you. Don't die on me tonight, keep beating. When your beatings fail, I feel it, I drag into this long sleep too. If you want to die why don;t you say it?? Say it just say anything, anything. I have shut you up so many times, stopped you from even admitting it after that sad Monday but now I am telling you speak, I will listen, I wont stop you. Say the magic words, Speak them up loud, Shut them up or just scream them! YOU LOVE HER! And STILL DAMN YES YOU DO FOR I STILL LOVE HER TOO.. I still do.

Listen, calm down. I know its hard for you. Everything seem to remind you of her. Its hard to forget, even drugs didn't do you no good. Listen to me, I will lead you down my icy ways. I know my way is so cold for you, but it will take you back home again, I will heal you if you listen to me. I know my words are cold and hail to you, but they are true. Believe me, you will heal and those memories will fade away. It's going to be over soon believe me. O blind heart of mine, though you loved till the end of your existence, though you opened up wide, though you gave yourself and everything you had and I don't blame you for that, for I did the same too but I smile for I did all I had, all I was and all I can. Sing with me, just dance under the heat of this summer, lets jump in the sea. We did all that we were, did all that we could. We were willing to give up everything for the one we chosen to love. Take it this way.. At least now we know she is not for us, how else would we know? I guess now we will not be afraid to loose her anymore for now you and I know she is not for me. If we coiled in fear we would have been still trying to get her attention, patiently waiting for a sweet word or a date from her, now things are more clear to us. She cant hurt you no more, I promise you no more pain O heart of mine. It's over now believe me. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, a new life. I believe that Father will heal us, I believe He will gather us to one we have been waiting for some day. So cheer up, Hope now is not a person, its in Him not her anymore. Come one, Yes beat again those beats of joy! Free yourself from grief and sorrow. Tomorrow will be better I promise, No more pain, No more..

Final Curtains

That scene ended in goodbyes. It's still hard to remember that moment, letting go was never easy; specially for me. Been more like a week now, cleaning up the mess in me, putting things in place, speaking up my mind and feelings. I never saw that coming, I thought we were getting closer but I guess I was wrong, we were just heading to a crossroads and the time was set for us to go each to our separate ways. Hmh, I guess I have objected long enough, fought, wrestled, talked and tried all my energy out but no regrets and no hard feelings. Now my battle is not to build, not to reach out anymore, but to restrain my horse and get it to submission to ride on again and to head after my destiny. I wonder why I write, I guess I got used to. I only feel free when I write, for absolutely no one can ever listen to my words for my feelings are so intense that they melt the lead shields of the solid rock hearts of the ones who listen. I know I am Hell and a Furnace, I know I am a rock and a rolling burden, but I know that I am here on this earth.. For now. Maybe that's why I prefer to write, so I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of pulling a soul into depression. But You God are not like any nor like all, You bear me and understand. Only You can deal with my tormented nature, for this I still smile. I have You.

Eyes of the blind

O eyes of mine, you have been open wide, for such a long time. You seek to see but nothing came to be. You had your dreams, you had your doubts. You have seeked the vision in the wandering clouds. Time ticks arround as you stay bound, leaving behind its boring sound. And as it goes by, and as your chances fly. You face the dark, you can't deny. But one day it will be known to your mind, when the sun is up, You are not blind.