Black and Deep

Been a while now, feeling so abstract. Like as if I am an idea or maybe a character in a story. Something pulls my strings I move, another rests so I don't. My mouth is shut silent and my mind is so tired of thinking along yet going nowhere. I go to bed but I don't sleep, I drive by but I never get enough. I eat drink and drug myself out of consciousness and yet I do not rest. My heart feels so quiet inside my ribs. The walls are closing up against me trapping me inside my very own self. Blackness is wrapping me slowly, the color changes so slow that my eyes cannot see the difference. I want to run but my legs wont take me, my shadow is always chasing me without a break. I run and run and it sticks to me, it grown in the dark that it overwhelms me and traps me in. I can't breathe, it drowns me deep within. My eyes cry out for the yellow and the blue, black sinks within my soul and kills the good old memories of the sun in me. Memories are not always attached to the past, memories are all that link me with life, tomorrow. Memories of the promises, Memories of the dreams, Memories of the Vision, Memories of Hope, encouragement, Mountain tops. Memories of my God, of His words. Memories of His Glory and His Temple. I don't know why I am writing this, I don't even know what more I will. Maybe I am a little bit depressed. The waiting is such a long process, looks monotonous but it's not. I fell during my long climb up that mountain but I should get up and try again. I broke my legs, my arms.. doesn't matter as long as I didn't break my will. My will that should have been broken and shattered long ago if it wasn't for Him who sustains me. Tears swim silently within my eyelids they don't want to leave, they don't want to show, neither to me nor for anyone. I know He sees them all, He knows.