I Just love it

Abba: The Winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history

I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence

But you see

The winner takes it all.

To God, Please read this whenever You have time.

A Filthy heart is mine, a twisted road, I am blind. Why do you tolerate me and my filthiness all this time? Why are you so merciful and patient all the time? You know I am a useless vine. Why? WHY? You say You love me. I can`t believe it though it's the only motive that makes sense. I wish I could. Can You make me Believe? Can You change my heart. Reach down and cleanse its filthiness. My dirt and shame? You already did, Can You do it again? Disturbed minded creature, so lonely and trapped inside its unconscious scars of the past and its pre-existence, trapped in death and vanity, in fainting daydreams. Me. Can You break through to me? Make the unexpected come true, the impossible to be available abundantly? Can You.. Help me God? Can You Love me? Find me? Seek me and rescue me? Free me? Release me from the sin that dwells in my body mind and will. Desire and determination. Instinct and inclination. Can You? Can You break all my enemies? Fortify my walls? Settle peace for my people? Can You make me a child again? Pure without sin? Can You give me back what I lost, all those years that have gone away in vain? My health, my strength, myself? Can You bring back all that was damaged? All that was broken? All that was smashed against the walls of me? Or bring me a long sleep to eternity. For it will be like nothing to live as I do. My life is another zero. Like this.

God, if You wont change me nothing ever will. Somehow I know u will ..

Post Operation

Yep, I am alive!
The LORD my God saved me and carried me with love all the way through. No pain though everything hurt. No Lonleliness though I was all by myself. No fear though it was a matter of life and death. My God carried me all through. As the cavalry breaks through the foot soldiers, so did He!

Thank You God!

Devouring unconsciousness

It's time. I look back. I came a long way through. I turn to look. I find a wall before me.
No more steps to take. Now my life stops. My consciousness fades. No reasons. No feelings. Silence.
Stepping in a cold fridge is the only thing you can do before a wall. Specially that kind of wall. Lie back. Your trip starts. Ending up healed with pain or cold as rain that pours on the sand in vain. A trip no one would willingly choose, but I do out of obedience. But I am not convinced. Not my desire. Walking a path I never chose and an end I never knew. Stone heart. Beat no more. Precious gold covering. Peel off.
Life, You Killer of the living. You reviver of memories. Creator of pain. Earth, Scrambler of friends. Time, You thief of opportunities and robber of youth. How much time do I have to stand up against all of you? Am I your rival or another one of your victims.

Lord, God. What now?

Pre operation

Yesterday, I learnt that I have to undergo an operation. The doctors found multiple stones in my gall bladder and decided that I would better remove it.
I don't know how to describe my feelings. Sometimes fear, sometimes normality. I don't know I think of death, leaving this life, old age and pain. Oh God why is this life so cruel? And why are you so silent? Don't mind my ignorance I am just another scared little son of Yours. You are my daddy, I can only talk to you. No one else understands anything I say. From Your look, I know You do. Anyway let Your will be done. I know You are in control of all that and it all will turn up to be for my good because You love me.

Gone (poetry)

The harbor, A Grey skyed day & ship just left the dock and sailing away.
And here you stand face to the sea, wishing it didn't have to be.
A tear might drop from your face with a heart that longed for grace.
Hoping we were all te same so that none of us would bear blame.
Now you have to carry it alone, For now.. She is Gone.


Copyright © 2005, Kareem Makram

Words of the Speachless

A blade has run through my heart, a spear has pierced my liver. Behold my blood runs like rivers and my spirit fades like smoke. Bringers of the bad news found me and made my heart their refuge. Who can lift my sorrows? Who can dry my tears? Who can hear my voice and listen to my screams? Mercy has fallen down to the earth but has never found me.

May silence wrap my words and darkness my sun.
for who once was dear, now is gone.

Love you, Love me

Slow music, fading lights. And still I miss you.
long hours, Lonely nights. I really miss you.

your image never leaves my mind. Cant leave our memories behind.
in this world I feel alone and blind. Without you here by my side.

Never thought I would ever be like this. Didn't know it was you I miss.

Eyes of mystery, pretty as the moon. Hope my eyes will see you soon.

cant stand my heart beats. Like a drum that looses its beat.
deep in me I can feel the heat. You are so sweet.

Lady of silence. Walking alone in the dark.
its cold outside. Come back to my warm shack.
Lady of quietness. Isolation and loneliness.
I wish I could cover u with my arms.

my eyes are hungry and starving. Your beauty used to fill me with life.
you are life but I wish I wasn't born. Why did you leave me? I don't want to be alone.

I don't know why I love you. I don't think I will ever do.
you are a part of me. I wouldn't ever let you go.

I am so uncertain about the things I feel about you.
they are too many that I can never count or sow

words flow from me like streams of honey.
so sweet so slow.

its only a cry to you.
I think I am in love.

My Cross

At this very moment I am on the edge of depression. Loneliness is killing me. I seek someone to listen to me. No one cares. Through this life I have seeked a good friend but never found one. The only one I think I can talk to is so far away from me. Behind the wall.

I wish I could just break this Damn Wall!
if can only make her love me, if I can only get her to care.

The Hell with what I think. My mind is not right. Not logic. My heart is not straight.
I hurt and bleed. Does it matter, does it not? Who cares? Do I?

her face, she is all think of. Obsession or adoration?
does she like me?

some knife cut through me, actually cut me in 2
who am I? Who r u?

I am you and u r me. I hope that One day we would set each other free.
God! Are you reading this? Cause I hope u do. No one in this world can save me but You.

I hurt and bleed on this side of this wall.
on the other side I hope she wouldn't hurt at all.

God I pray you would listen and hear, look down on my falling tears.
spare me the cross I bear, Free me from my roaming fear.
of the words I can't hear, the she doesn't want me this near.
if she is not for me and I am for her, then why is she to me so dear?

O God see my tear, to my prayer listen and hear.

Love / Friendship

The hardest kind of involvement is to fall in love from one side.
it keeps draining your emotions and arousing your imaginations, drifting you away from reality to a place where you cannot return as smoothly as you came.

I am stuck. In this one side love where she doesn't see me. Where my songs of love are like a noisy TV to her. My roses are like advertisements. My love notes are like newspapers. My tears are like rain. My passionate heart-beats are like drums.
My love is just friendship to her.

Dear, I cannot blame you. I can only blame myself

To the most wonderful

To the most wonderful friend I ever had.
the sweetest, cutest. The one who captured my eyes the first time I saw her.
the one who captured my heart through time. A beautiful person and a lovely heart.

you, were a dream to me. A star that I wanted to reach once but I couldn't. The more we talk together the more I feel I want to spend my whole life with you, for I have never found anyone as half as wonderful as u are, I doubt I ever will. I know you might not read my words as I am writing them. Maybe one day u will, maybe never.

to the one who Life is in her name. If you ever read this you will know.

On the Edge and Over!

As I am writing this I feel like I am really on the edge about to fall over. Too much stress I am going through. Cannot take it anymore. I work like 16 hours a day and sleep like 6 hours. 24 hours of death and isolation. Either alone working before my computer screen or resting my head on the pillow. Feeling like its the beginning of a breakdown. My ending begins. But will it ever end?

Goodbye John

"Sudanese Rebel Who Made Peace Dies"
Headlines for today's news. A sad way to start the day. John Garang, The one who freed the South of Sudan and made a stand for African Christians against the application of Islamic Sharia by a treacherous government. He stood for what he believed and was ready to pay the price.
Today he paid the price in full. No one can hurt you now John, Rest in Peace.

A New Start

From now on I am going to stop Dying and start Living. I will be who i am, feel, Breathe and Be. Letting go of my past and looking foreward to my present and hoping for a better future.

Heroes & the Test of Time

Some of us don't really make it through the test of time. Some fall, some crawl, Some stall and others just roll. Everyone has his/her own way. But eventually everyone fails in his unique way. I guess only the Honest, The Loving, The True hearted heroes stand tall.

Tough? Enough!

Had a long hard day. Met with a couple of clients to discuss work. I don't really know what's going on with clients these days? Some of them are playing stupid others are bluntly aggressive. God hope I get to know who I am and where I should fit. I feel like Joseph when he was in prison for no crime he has committed but of a crime he didn't do. Why does life have to be this way?I wish life was a person I would have asked her. She is everywhere but not somewhere. I can only find You God to talk to. I know you read my thoughts even before they become blogs.

To God

Now is the time, When all is gone. When everything I have built have crumbled down to ashes and dust. When all my dreams are sinking. When all my planed have failed.

God what is left for me now? What do I do? Where do I go? Look at what I have ended up to. Look at what I have become! Is death so far away? Or is my tomb mot ready yet? Why do you leave me like this? Where do you go? How do you hide like this? I am Nothing. God listen to me.. I am NOTHING! How do you like that? Tell me how do you accept that? How? Why? God, When? When will it end? When will I leave this earth? When will I be who I really am? I am so down, God please don't mind my useless utterings this very moment for my life is as bitter as Mudd. My breath is as depressed and my heart has no desires. My eyes see no future and my ears hears of no hope. My mind is the bowl of all the dirt and my heart is broken and useless.

Keep me not in this life.. Have mercy on me. Please Lord just let me out, Your way.

Away

When silence is far more communicating than words. When quietness is more meaningful than voice. When it is less effective to speak. When its useless to express. That's when I know that you love me no more.

Those Darn Thoughts

More than a week now and I still cant sleep! Cant close my eyes and Find Rest! O God for how long will I stay excited about everything? Do I have a Child in me and I never knew? Wow I wish it can be true. But still I cant sleep.

what's wrong with those darn mosquitoes!? Why they wake up at night why do they make friends with restless thoughts? Why do they disturb my peace?

I guess I am just a child with a Big "Why" and a big "Question Mark" on his mind. I seek answers and I am never satisfies and never convinced by mediocre answers and explanations.

hell! I am confused tonight. What am I typing?
I guess I need to relax.. Calm down (as one of my friends once told me) yeah.. I guess I feel peace now and go to bed.

Accept - Get over

Taking the wrong step in a dance is not always a forgivable mistake.
that happened to me. In the dance of love. Just as it began, I started on the wrong foot.
But no more regrets, I have learnt the lesson... Well
I will smile and never frown, I will get up leave the memory behind.
Face to the sun no looking back, pressing on pressing hard.

Life, Listen to me ..

I will smile while its Blue
I will hold on to what is True
& I will win whatever you do

so Help me God.

The Hibernation of Feelings

My friends are always dear to me even if they don't know it. They keep their place in my heart though they might not value it. Through time they forget and by time they get colder, Leaving their place to be filled with emptiness.

I cant say I am the best friend anyone can get but I know I got my good sides and my bad sides. My bright days and my dark nights, my abilities and my needs. Don't we all?
Well lately I have decided to bring my feelings into hibernation..

I hope the impact of my words would not be shocking to you but I really believe that's the best thing I can ever do to save my energy and invest my time. Emotions have sucked life and joy out of me for there is no one who really cares about me and who I really am. Everyone is busy with his/her life and whenever the are in a good mode I might appear like a good memory to them. Jesus said:

"love your neighbor as you love yourself"

and yet I have never found that person who would follow what Jesus said yet people think I am very sensitive irrational, a hopeless romantic. I am not. atleast according to the words of Jesus I am not. People deserve and need to be loved and cherished like that but that cold System that we serve has really got into us all.

Another heartbreaking fact I face is that there is no one who would trust you when you knock at their doors to give love not to take. To help not to seek and to support not to be rescued. Many have fears of strangers even the ones with love in their hearts and marks of nails in their wrists.

Jesus My Lord, if they have rejected You, the Perfect One would anybody accept me with all my clumsiness and weakness? I doubt. Please Keep me warm in that Ice Age until the time is right to awake.

Faith

Infront of a Goliath, Before a battle where you are outnumbered, seiging the walls of a City with a guitar in hand, Walking on water, running from a killer queen, Waiting through time & seizing the promise land. If not by faith it wouldn't have happened and none would have broken the rule.

God You know how tired and weak I am, but I will hold on to You. If You are pleased with me I know You will hand me what You promised. My enemy is strong but I look not for appearance, I follow Your words. So Help me be who I am not and Do what I cannot.

The Ice Cube Tunnel

Welcome to the tunnel.. That one has no end and there is no light that might be waiting for you. Forget hope and Love, forget those dreams and those visions. Don't expect anything here. There is nothing left but loneliness and fear.

Oh God sometimes I feel so sick of life that I wish I didn't have to happen to me.
Sometimes I feel I want to Call
yes to call onto someone that I don't know, someone to love and to love me the same way too. And like a mad man I am being judged and my passion is treated as a Joke!

Who Dare Challenge my love? Who would dare to prove more passionate than me? From the looks of your eyes from how people judge me I can say that I am an extreme. I don't care. I am who I am. But.. Unfortunately I haven't found her, the one to contain my passion and enjoy it.

This Is the ICE AGE for sure. People are like statues in Huge Ice Cubes. Cant even cry for help. But I don't want be like you, no I wont enter my ice crypt cube. I want to see the sun.

Its been years now and I am looking for you, Are you out there? Can you hear me? Do you know me? O God how long do I have to wait? Will I end up in an ice cube like all the others? Please don't close the Fridge.

The Downfall and The Uprise

I had a problem. I met a very nice young lady and I was so much attracted to her. As we started to communicate my emotions immensed like a wild horse running fast and strong. I couldn't control it. It revealed itself. She got scared and backed up.
I don't blame her as a matter of fact I can only blame myself and that was my Downfall!
what I did was too much for her to handle. Now when I am out of that Horse body I can tell I was wrong, obsessed. I lost my free spirit. Now after I realized what I have done I was buried in disgrace and shame.

that's when I talked to God. I prayed: "God give me the strength to let her go. To free my heart, to regain my independence." I talked and directed my words to her and I set her free in love. I didn't hate her, she didn't do me any harm. She was as cute as an angel and as nice as a butterfly , as precious to me as a pure diamond. She was not the problem. I was. And to stop myself from being the problem I had to set her free from me.

I did it, by the strength of God, I did. And now I feel so free from that "obsessive me". I bless her and love her the same as I did but she is no longer my obsession and I don't think she will ever be the same as before with me. But anyway let the best be for her and as for me I am not expecting less. No more downfalls to keep me chained, its time for my Uprise.

Ice or Fire

Have you ever felt stupid? Have you ever regretted doing something so much you wished you want to die? I have.
sometimes emotions are incomprehensible, silly and exaggerated. To the mind .. Yes
but this is emotion. Unexplainable. When you put it in words, its never understood and would sound so dumb.
meanwhile brain talk seem so cold like an ice-blade a razor. Very well defined and lacking all meaning and passion but full with certainty and facts.

Have you ever wondered what happens when Ice and Fire collide inside of you?
that's my case, Emotions are like fire and sanity is like ice they struggle in me that I wish I was better not born. Reason humiliates emotion and emotion solidifies reason. But only you suffer that headache because both of them are parts of you.

So that leaves me now for this solution. Balance. Giving room for emotions and logic for reason. But am I the only one out there believing in that? I guess I can tell about others now from the temperature of their skin. Maybe.

My E-Pigeon

Locked in a floating ship, rain and flood all around, it been days no sunlight. You open your small hatch and send a crow away, never comes back. Blindly driven with no rudder, sail or engine no radar or radio, you see no hope no horizon.

I feel the same too sometimes in my life I follow God with all my understanding and strength but there comes a time when I am like a submarine captain with no working equipment and a helpless crew. But I decided to open the hatch and this time, I sent the pigeon away, with a message, An E-Mail. Will it come back one day with hope? Or will it join my absent crow.

Alone

Loneliness is one of the major issues I struggle with. And it always keeps me awake thinking.. "Would tomorrow be the same like today was?". Its terrible when you don't have a partner someone who shares your life with you equally. You stay dissatisfied feeling you miss something.. Someone.

I don't know about you, if u have the same problem too. Maybe you are married and you still feel it and maybe you are single and you don't bother by it. But somewhere within your life I know u must feel this somewhere. Maybe, ,maybe I am wrong. Doesn't matter. I am only a human being, I can be wrong and I can be right. Its the pleasure of discovering I guess that keeps us going.

God, sometimes I feel I want to shout out loud and make some noise, saying nothing I don't care, just to get some attention. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born yet, though deep inside I long for life. Really I wouldn't want to leave life and quit breathing, but I get so stubborn and rebellious that I would crush the same thing I have created like an artist destroying his artwork. And though its somehow different, Moses also crushed the 10 commandments when he found the people worshipping other gods than Jehovah, who they followed out of Egypt. Seems to me from where I stand, all people are the same.

That first night

Yes, that first night. Changing the time. That day light saving system. Cant sleep.
a lot of e-mails on my mind, some that give me hope and some don't. Some that I already received and some that I hoped I would. Turning on all the sides I still c ant get my mind to stop thinking, imagining, hoping and wishing. Excited and scared of disappointment at the same moment. My head began to grow tired and I became more impatient. I decided to wake up. I decided to start this blog and express what I feel. Maybe I would find relief in emptying my head out, spilling my emotions over this cold solid ground of cyber loneliness.
hoping that I would hear someone's reply, maybe and maybe not. If that would make a real difference. Who knows? I wish I did.