Shape of my heart

I opened the door of my car, sat down slowly I turned the music on as I started the engine and drove my way. I opened the windows, the air was cold so I covered my head with the cape of my sweatshirt covering my eyes to the beholder but keeping my impression to myself, keeping me warm as the song softly played..

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I kept it running on and on as my wheels rolled round and round as me was whirling upside down. I knew I wasn't alright, my eyes were staring forward driving through the chaotic Cairo streets, I was not at peace, I was numb. Music went slowly as well as my reactions to my surrounding as my wheels rolled my mind kept on thinking and thinking.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I sang along the chorus with sting, my heart was like a guitar string that was just strum silently. Drove south all the way slowly passing through crossroads and still lights. I looked up to God with eyes full of bitterness and a heart full of hate, I knew something was not right in me and I should open up and talk, but I couldn't. I wanted to cry but my tears didn't want to rain down on such a time.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

Oh God

O Father

Father, I am back. I have gone round and round, to the North and South, to the shores and mountains and now I am back. You, my Father only know exactly how I feel, You know my past and future and how is it like in this very moment as I breath and as my heart beats. Will it beat for another time? Will I inhale the air again if I let it out this once? Father, open your arms for me to rest my head on Your chest and to curl around as I sit on Your lap. I wonder, what would I do without You? I couldn't have made it this far and would not be able to anymore without You. You can see I am so confused, for You know everything that goes within my heart and mind. Been Years Father, I followed You in every step of the way till I reached this place in nowhere. Sometimes I feel You are leaving me, sometimes I feel You have forgotten me but I know You will never leave me nor forsake me. You told me, You promised and You are no liar. I believe You and I shall wait even if all of my tears dry out, even if there is no heart to hurt nor skin to feel. I shall wait for You never let me down and shall never do...

There is a purpose in all of that, Isn't it Father? I know there must be some sort of an explanation or a reason of some sort. You never let things happen for no aim. You make all things work for good for You know that I love You Father. I will wait on You. I will wait..

All I have become..

Where do you go when you are in pain? Where do you hide when hurt drives you insane? Does it conquer your physical domain? I wish I could be there in this dark cave, sharing you, feeling the same. Beloved, my heart beats off tempo for you. Maybe its not much but that's all I can do. If I can give away my health, strength even my whole life and my very own soul, I shall not hesitate a second. For you to be happy I would give up my own being and vanish into numb inexistence just for you. If I can bear all your pains I would carry it to Calvary. I wish I can be who I wish and do what I can't but I will do what I can even if it wasn't enough, I will try. You are always in my mind and heart that I melt like the ice of the mountain tops at the first heat of spring I glide down the mountains forming pure water streams bringing life to all the forests around but loosing my own existence as I hear that you are not alright. God I am no stone nor metal, my heart tears apart when she is caught up in pain. I feel I want to hold her in my arms till she falls asleep, till she wakes up well. I would feed her on my own health and support her with the essence of life that runs through my own veins. Oh How I wish I would give my very humanity and my visibility and all my dreams to feel her and touch her just to watch over her night and day as a guarding angel. Her smile will be just enough so please my heart. Why do I feel like that? I have become willing to just die for her to live, to cry for her to smile and suffer for her to enjoy. I don't know who I have become. I am just a song for her lips and poetry for her ears. All I am has become is just for her.

A Story

Been a long hard day, the sound of her cheers me up. She's been going through my mind for days now, non stop thoughts and questions to her and about her but yet a few answers. Time with her seems to slip so quickly and without her the clock doesn't seem to move. She affects time and heart beats the same way. Tabitha, a beautiful deer. An amazing mountain beauty with a wild sea shore with all its calm waves and its raging ones. She's the earth, the island and the moon. I am the heavens, the sea and the sun. Without her I am empty and without me she is nowhere.

Like a long lost coast walker I found her sitting by the parting rock, watching the sea as it rages and splashes around her. I smiled to her but she didn't smile back, talked but she didn't answer. I looked on the sand below that rock which she sat on alone, I found this beautiful locket. A locket of memories. I picked it up. She looked at me. I could see tears in her eyes, then tears filled mine too. Climbed up and sat beside her, on that same old rock on which I sat before. I felt so warm, and so did she. We watched the sun set in the sea slowly disappearing as the stars appeared one by one. We laid down on our backs watching the stars as they shine like diamonds far away. "I don't want to go" I said, She softly replied: "please don't". I smiled, she smiled back. One the same rock that we parted we met again. Waiting for the next dawn together.

My Father

My Father! A word so sweet to say and a love to amazing to miss. Father it has been ages and years of my life that I haven't felt that way and I can't recall when was the last time or if I ever felt this way. With You I seek nothing and in Your arms I desire nothing else. Once You were a King to me a Ruler and a Master and yes, You are but knowing that You are my Father tops them all. For Your love is more than amazing and beyond warmth. The sole mention of Your Fatherhood moves my whole existence in Joy beyond my experience. Ah Daddy I missed You so much, So much! It's like I was blind and deaf for years and now I can see and hear! And What a sight I see, what a sound I hear. In You my Father I delight, You and You alone. I love You

A surgeon's sacrifice

How ruthless and solid hearted does the surgeon look as he holds the razor sharp blade in his hand and slowly unzips the skin of a critical condition patient in need of a heart transplant. His cold steel blades and rock-solid nerves, His Patience and stillness view an image of a sadistic monster who has helplessly trapped his victim and have paralyzed it with poison. But as the darkest night turns into dawn slowly and un noticeably this same surgeon seems to take a different image as he takes out his own heart and plants it into the slowly dying body of his dear patient. Bringing in warmth and strength with love beyond looks and care beyond pain. He might not speak again for its the end for him, but for his beloved its a beginning. Planting a message of love in that once was a dying body.

Some say he was a fool, but I say no. He wasn't, He loved till his very end. A love that has never been mentioned in novels nor taught in the books of medicine. He looked terrible in the eyes of the beholder but for the heart of God he was not. He has the heart of the Father.

King of the Castle

The view from these walls is marvelous! I can see the slopes and the fields of the whole providence. I can spot my enemies as they wake up from their sleep with their evil plans of raids and war. But here I stand in my Castle with a heart that never trembles no more. I have built up the wholes and fortified the weakest links. My towers are the pride of my people and my gates their refuge. Peace be to the dwellers of my lands and mercy to all who seek relief. The day I ascended to the throne is a milestone and a memoir to be remembered. Peace and Grace for all. Last Night its a night to remember and a sight for soar eyes. All the castle in joy and laughter, tears and songs. I am back. I never knew how good it feels to be home among my faithful warriors and my beloved family of friends, brothers of blood and steel. I myself have been a refugee for years now. I played the fool, the vulgar, the nomad, the savage and the freak but now I am back to my place.. The king. The king of the castle of reality.

Peace Lift

The Sea Mattress of Peace, Where waves cuddle you around taking you where you never imagined from the dawn of the sun till the rise of the moon. The wonderful floating mattress of peace can lift you up higher than the clouds and even out of the rule of gravity into the depth of space. Where loneliness is no issue and pain is of no significance. Viewing the beauty of creation from God's point of view, Trusting His heart and Who He is. All I have to do is just trust, relax and watch Then Joy comes in forever dwells in me. Thank You Lord, for You.

Exposition of the Knight

The more you stand before the light, the more stains that appear to the surface. The higher the light, the darker the shadows become.
Today I stood in the high intense light and I saw myself before the Lord. I wasn't a pretty sight to look upon. Like a knight driven by his horse I was. My emotions have led me through the wrong turns, Hurting itself, me and most of all an innocent lady. It's all my fault. Now I have taken this wild horse by force driving it back on track. But first I have to clear out the mess I have left behind. Emotions are like a razor sharp sword that can cut in both directions, I was a fool to mess with it for I haven't just hurt myself but her also. If it was for me I wouldn't have cared, but its her who I care of. She didn't deserve all that and I never meant it too. I don't blame myself more than I should, I will be fair with myself. One hand doesn't clap. But my hand I will reform for it is my responsibility.
Starting from today my unfaithful, uncaring and selfish horse, you shall be in bonds completely controlled in power and force till you learn to be disciplined completely following my will and desire. From this moment your reign over me ends and my rule over you starts. From this day on, you shall not hurt, kick or bite innocent people like the fair lady you have dragged into the thorns of your wild fake heavens. From this moment on I shall cut your wicked tongue and cripple your crewel feet. A crawling obedient harmless horse is better than a wild hurting healthy one. From this very moment on, my mind shall over rule my emotions.

Time stop

I have marched in battles and never returned. I have swam in the oceans but never touched the shore. I have sailed the skies but never landed. Mined but never surfaced. Climbed but never reached. Ran but never finished.. I am still here.

The lonely coast of patience

At the edge of the great deserts lies the shore of the endless waters, There I stood alone again after a long trip chasing the mirage of a timeless warmness and endless refuge. The desert is so dangerous, you could spend all your time and effort pursuing mirages and daydreams of the green. I stood in the middle of the blue and white clouds as they clashed together with all the coldness and warmth they carried, then rain fell right on me. I looked through I saw the moon veiled by the layers of the clashing clouds. I wanted it so bad that I wished I would be a soul un felt and un desired just to be in this moment for life and after-life, for the second and eternity for now and forever. I felt I touched it but I didn't, I was not thinking straight, My senses tricked me, though the signs were real. I could swear they were real. Later on I realized I was sun-struck. I can't tell if I am alive or no. Sometimes I doubt that I am real, maybe I am a dream. Maybe I am a spirit or an angel. Or maybe I am a devil and a trap. Whatever I am I touched the moon, but it was so cold, dead as it rolls by drifting through the dark purple skies of the wild desert. Its light dazzled me for so long that I couldn't sleep of its beauty but it wasn't real. It was just a reflection of the sun. Just like memories, sweet but they are no longer real to be lived and felt. Those darn memories that choked the life out of the desert and hope out of me. Now I go back to where I started, the lonely coast of patience.

Come

Do you know what I dream to do with you? I want to take you for a long long ride along the sands of my time and the deserts it has left behind. Let me take you to my favorite place, my hideout. Let me show you the place I grew up at and all the memories of childhood. Let me take you to the place I worked at with all the suffering and laughter I had there. Lets go where I love the sunset and moon. Lets go where I hate myself and where I love life, lets go into the dark and the light, the bad and the bright, into sorrows and delight. Come, don't be late for here I wait. Let me take you in, deep within. Put your hand on my heart and feel its beatings. Feel me in pain and in chill. Get into my mind with all its lightening and thunders that never seem to cease. Talk to me more, for your words seem to rob the time away of its effect. You steal my days and my nights. You took all the stars away from my sky, but who cares, I got you.

Parting ways

When Cold solid stainless steel blade cuts through a warm beating heart a silent scream echoes in the realm of love, a funeral walks on in the path of the sun. Parting ways is never easy, not at all.

Doing what's Right

My hope is in the Lord my Savior. For Him I shall wait...
I had to let her go, I had to. Its unacceptable to me to just charm her and make her love me against her will, capturing her by the words my heart utters. I want to be loved not just for saying nice sweet words. I want to be chosen, selected and preferred. Chosen by her free will and her whole heart desire. I did the right thing before My Lord. I couldn't be selfish in that, I had to be wise and to control my passionate heart, though its so hard, beyond every pain I have gone through, To leave someone you have loved with all your heart, To let her go is a killer decision. Like signing your own death sentence or like burying yourself alive, its just like placing yourself as a sacrifice on the alter of love, Bearing the fire and fainting slowly as you give your very last breath of life just to do what's right and what's true love. Love that is not selfish, Love that is strong. Love that is not demanding, Love that is sensitive. Love that is not self centered, conditional but Love that is giving and fulfilling even if it has to give itself up all for the smile of the loved one. Love that dares pay the price till the last drop of blood. Love that faces fears and splits the oceans of loneliness and the clouds of despair. For this I shall not regret. I have done what's good and what's love before the throne of God. The throne of Perfect Love

Waking up

What the hell was I thinking? I did the right thing when I let her go. Would I be happy to hang on false hope? Would I enjoy fake love? Or would it look right if I wasn't loved for who I am? Absolutely no. Besides, I did what was right for her. She will know herself more, her weakness and strength And if its God's will she will know more about me that words would have never told. She may see my wisdom, commitment and pure love. She might see my warmth and my unselfishness. She will see my pure friendship as well as my devoted love. That's if I am the one for her, she will see. But as for me, I will walk on, thanking God for giving me the wisdom and the strength to choose and do what's right and good in love. I thank You God for Your gifts of wisdom and Love. Heal me Lord, Move me step by step for I have no one but You. I am glad I did the right thing, For once in my life I did the right thing. Help me Lord complete what I have started and finish what I have begun. And for now I will sleep with clear conscious and I can rest my aching head in peace and as for my heart, You handle it Lord.

Tonight, Let me Die.

Tonight, My heart splits in half. Tonight I let her go. She didn't know if she loved me for who I am or just what I wrote in my blog. She didn't know if I was the one or just anyone. She didn't know a thing. So I let her go. I disappear from her life for a month. God, I loved her. Parting is very hard, but eventually it happens and we have to endure its fire. This time I will be burnt. I don't believe she will ever be back again. I don't believe she is in love with me. Yes, she was right. She doesn't know me at all. Frankly I don't think there is any reason for her to be attached to me, we got nothing together. We are in different circles that don't intersect. For me, Its over. I am only waiting for a confirmation. God, Take my life. My heart hurts like hell. Twisting and contracting inside of me. End my story Lord, I am gievely sad and gravely aching in heart. May death be of Your mercy to me and may the grave be my resting place for I have loved endlessly but never was loved for who I was. Spare me the pain and the cross O Lord. Quicken my death and make haste to my doom for my heart found no rest and in the coldness it dwelt. Wipe all my memories O God and press down the past into my unconsciousness. Bury down my hopes and cover all my dreams. Drown me in the ocean and let me not see the sun again. Place me in the center of the earth or leave me on a roaming moon. Let not my name be remembered not my memory recalled. Let me be no more, For who am I without Love?

My Dear God,

Lord my God, Through history You have always been there for me. Planning my existence since the ancient creation, Since the first dawn of time. Preserving your plan for me to be. Power of Love and Life. Endless in provision. Awesome in strength. Amazing in understanding and tender in wisdom. I shall not take my life out of your hands now and never, forever. You grab my hand and run, I will keep on running with you over the clouds over the peeks of the mountains. Above the walls I never could have passed You made me leap over! Above the swamps and traps You made me fly! Your hand has never left mine nor Your heart have forsaken me. You called me Beloved, and Yes, I am! When I see you, forgive me if I act like a child and run and leap in your arms infront of all Your kingdom. Forgive me for my sin stained garments and my foolish weary appearance. Your open arms pay my ransom and Your bleeding wounds wash me clean. You made it perfect for me to get back to you. Father I love you, Forgive me if I don't see You and treat You as a Kind though you are the King of Kings. All I see about you is just a heart. For Love You Are. From the ancient times, now and forever You will be. I will rest my head, Close my eyes in peace. I know You look over me and watch over my life that everything that happens will be for good. For you are a good God. All I will do is just Dance and dance before you. Dance all my life through, For You have turned my mourning into dancing and my weeping into songs. Amazing Love shine all around me light my nights and brighten my days, separate the gathering of clouds and the rhythm of the rains bring Your rays through. Bring on that blue sky of the Heaven of your throne. Fill me up with You, Love. Fill me up and Burst through my heart Shine through. Let me Boost, Be my pride. Your Love, Be me. Melt me in you and dissolve me in the rivers of your sweetness. In You I don't want to be found again. Let me be an ambassador of my loved ones, You wont reject my words for I am so dear to you. I ask you for the one I love and ever did.. Take away all her pain and grant her vision to know and to see her way whatever that might be. It doesn't have to include me, I call for freedom and strength, Healing and health, Success and wealth. I only ask for the good for her. And as for me, Lord You are my prize. Beside u I desire nothing else and I shall ask for none, for You know and You plan for me as you ever did. For you I shall wait and I will never grow weary or tired for I lean on You all through my way. You have blessed me beyond all the treasures of the earth. You have blessed me beyond all the secrets of the universe. You have blessed me greatly, For You have blessed me by Being for me, my exceedingly great reward and my share in life and eternity! Come on Lord lets dance till dawn breaks the silence and till eternity splits time! Forever and ever and ever. I love You.

Collision

Something struck me, Robbed me, Stole a lot from me. Something happened I don't understand. Blew me off my feet. Nights are dark, Morning sun seems that it doesn't shine. Moon drifts away. Stars shine no more. I look for planets but I don't see any, I search for the North but I cannot find. Facing a wall, I will not back off. Infront of that wild beast I shall not retreat. Will the end come soon? Make haste then. Will it come later on? Take your time. Whatever happens will be and none shall stop. Whatever is in my way I will meet. Oh messengers of peace bring me news, make a run for it. Time burns as the clock turns and all that the red coal leave is ashes. Make haste if you bear me a message and bring me life. Or death. Make haste, I long for my Destiny and Fate, But leave me not in wait. O Winds of the earth shall you speak to me the secrets I long to hear, will you speak the words of wisdom or the songs of vanity? Whatever you have make haste, Bring it on. Do not wait. O Fires of the ancient volcano do you envy mine? Do you envy my flames? My raging Mind and my twisting heart? O Thunders of the heavens are you louder than my silent passion? Or brighter than my desire? Or more powerful than my will? O armies of the earth are you mightier than my heart and stronger than the marks I leave? Come on you waves of the sea, lift me up and drop me down. I shall be silent. Come on all of you, seasons. Bring on your heat and coldness, gatherings and partings. Shall I speak? Ah you earth, keep on rolling on and on who shall stop you? For Heaven and Hell have clashed over right through my heart.

The Missing

To miss you the second that you are gone, To long for you the moment you left. How I wish I could hold you longer, how I wish I could just not let you go, how I wish you could be mine. Forever. To put off the fire that burns me, and those waves that drown me, to bring breath to my chest and pulse to my heart. I wish I could split in two. One of me would just make you love me and the other would just enjoy your love. One of me would just suffer to bring you to me and the other would welcome you. But I can't, I am no angel nor spirit. I am just a man, incurably in love with you.

Beautiful Star

Let it be tonight, bring them all! Your fears, emotions, accusations and doubts. For God's sake if you fill them up in a cup for me I will drink it and ask for more. Let it be tonight, bring all your enemies of your lands and the beasts of your wilderness and I will make them no more. Let it be tonight, when I rip my hear out and place it a sacrifice on the alter of love. Let it be tonight.

God, I missed her like the fires of the core of the earth and the flames of the sun. Like something has been missing from my very existence. Since the dawn of my creation.
Spill down the seas God over my flaming hear to put out the fire in me, but I know now why You didn't. You had something else in plan. Beyond my knowledge of time, beyond my expectations. You brought me back what I thought I would never find. My beautiful star.

Beautiful star, glittering along that dark blue skies. Sending your rays along the shores and sand, bringing beady to the land. O how beautiful you are. I would stand on the tip of a mountain to touch you. I would climb its snowy peeks and its icy rocks just to see you. Hopefully touch you. I would reach out and strech as much as I can, risk the down fall and the break. Risk my time and life. Anything that I takes. Even if it takes me. Beautiful Star, you turned the night of my loneliness to the morning of the great feast. You brought music to my ears and dancing to my body. I shall rejoice over you tonight for I have found you at last.

Dilemma of the Triad

The memories of nothing. The visions of no one. The nights of insomnia. The days of daydreams. You leave me a present, a gift. Then you go and leave no trace. The winds blow your footsteps off record and the sun covers your destiny in mirage. I have seen a lot and known too much. I heard it all and yet I don't believe it. You who you call yourself "Life" have no life in yourself. You who call yourself "Hope" left me no hope at all. You who call yourself "Light" left me in the dark. Am I the center of the universe that all of you should just show up then go? Am I the sun? Or a star? But you have chosen to spend your lives like nomads, like comets, like dreams. Took away my body and left me as Love. Took away my desires and left me a soul. You have been the swords that God used to cut me with. The knives to run me through. Your purpose was blood, and you got what you came for. But I will look to the west. To the ports of the ocean. I start a trip with the memories of nothing, the visions of no one, the sleepless nights and the daydreams of consciousness.