The World's Smallest Flying Mashines

For years I have been praying for God to make me fly, I guess if my prayer is going to be answered it will be by having one of those !

Shhhhhhh...

I missed my guitar, just want to play a tune. New poem, new song. My heart bears a lot of words a lot of feelings.I feel I sometimes need some silence, some quietness with someone I love and trust. Life gets distracting sometimes that we loose the best thing we ever have. We can loose a good friend in the crowd, we can loose a lover in the race of life, we can loose even our own sense of being under the burdens of work and responsibility. Strange, sometimes to run, do do do turn to be less effective than to wait. The nature revealed a lot of secrets in the silence more than the rush. In me I feel this longing for quietness, a calm song and a healing word. I want to make a toast to an old friend, tell a funny story about the times of my childhood or maybe just watch the stars in this long blue night. Simple things with loved ones is the essence of happiness in this life.

Black and Deep

Been a while now, feeling so abstract. Like as if I am an idea or maybe a character in a story. Something pulls my strings I move, another rests so I don't. My mouth is shut silent and my mind is so tired of thinking along yet going nowhere. I go to bed but I don't sleep, I drive by but I never get enough. I eat drink and drug myself out of consciousness and yet I do not rest. My heart feels so quiet inside my ribs. The walls are closing up against me trapping me inside my very own self. Blackness is wrapping me slowly, the color changes so slow that my eyes cannot see the difference. I want to run but my legs wont take me, my shadow is always chasing me without a break. I run and run and it sticks to me, it grown in the dark that it overwhelms me and traps me in. I can't breathe, it drowns me deep within. My eyes cry out for the yellow and the blue, black sinks within my soul and kills the good old memories of the sun in me. Memories are not always attached to the past, memories are all that link me with life, tomorrow. Memories of the promises, Memories of the dreams, Memories of the Vision, Memories of Hope, encouragement, Mountain tops. Memories of my God, of His words. Memories of His Glory and His Temple. I don't know why I am writing this, I don't even know what more I will. Maybe I am a little bit depressed. The waiting is such a long process, looks monotonous but it's not. I fell during my long climb up that mountain but I should get up and try again. I broke my legs, my arms.. doesn't matter as long as I didn't break my will. My will that should have been broken and shattered long ago if it wasn't for Him who sustains me. Tears swim silently within my eyelids they don't want to leave, they don't want to show, neither to me nor for anyone. I know He sees them all, He knows.

Tough Birth

The streets were so quiet as I drove by, though its the busy streets of Cairo but it seems like I don't seem to hear the sounds of their roaring engines no more. Their flashing lights don't seem to bother me again, the blind man's blessings- thank God its not the curse. The symphony of their slow motion down the streets doesn't seem to bother me like before. Their smoke, their fumes even the smell of their burning tires doesn't seem to bother me no more. Strange! That doesn't seem like me no more, seems like I got more dosage of morphine in my blood these days. My heart beats like a rocker's drum set, filling in my silence with base like waves of troubles. Mind is restless and heart dances along. I went to a cafe, one of my old times favorite. Same place different faces, strangers; or maybe I am the stranger. Loud, they all are loud, different tongues, various conversations. I decided to plug my ears to some music I had on my laptop, which is not really mine. In a world of noise, where no one listens even if you do scream; in a world of distraction, where people adore distortion where should I speak? Fine, isn't that life? Whatever. Ordered some green mint fizz, it's so strange how the mint sticks together to itself, and fights not to mix up with the whole drink. Aren't we all? We might be green and juicy but we never add our flavor to the whole world. Let go of me! I want to take my heart beats to the world! Life here I am! The hell with your celebrities, and your idols, Here I am! The hell with your standards and qualifications! Here I am! I shall not stay in the slime of your green community, I shall not stick to your script, I am no longer a part of your plot. I Rebel.

One picture every day movie

So creative, I love it!

This is my first Video blog, I believe I will be doing it much often but maybe with my own videos next time.

Trust and Treason

Mind was growing weary, head was so tired, thinking.. Why? It hurt me so bad, my heart couldn't take it. The pain was far more to be kept in silence and the hurt was for more to endure. It's strange why would people take you for granted when you trust them, betray you while you love them! Sometimes I wonder why the faithful ones get repaid so lowly and the mean get a good reward! Why the honest never find a place while the evil are always welcome! Is there so much evil in this world that would affect the solar system? How much dishonesty is there? Let me be selfish for a moment and care not about the world and only think of me, I don't know.. I just don't know what I feel and why for my mind too weary and heart so thin.

That Darn Insomnia

Been more than two nights now.. Can't sleep!
Mind goes on thinking and thinking like crazy, heart troubled with his own beat. I sleep for a moment and yet dreams attack me, I see faces, people, events but I don't understand what's going on. Entrenched somewhere with bullets flying around and I can hardly know where do they come from. My spirit and body are troubled, something is wrong but I can't figure out what yet. In the past I used to see my enemies face to face, those hideous scorpions, those cunning snakes, those ugly beasts and demons, but recently I see none. Have they put on masks? Or are they using a different medium? I don't know. I seek to write because I find refuge in speaking out my mind to myself in clear and plane words. It's hard, I can hardly find peace, can hardly close my eyes and retire to sleep.

On that Altar of Obedience..

Sacrifices, the letting go process. The choice I make to confirm my choice and establish my devotion to the destiny I peruse. I have placed a lot on that altar, but never enough. A lot but not all. I know it has to be complete, paid in full or else it would be meaningless. What good is a sacrifice if I only place what I don't care about on that altar? What kind of a choice is it that I make by not eliminating the magnets that pull me in the other direction and wouldn't stop pulling me somewhere I don't choose. Would I sacrifice the bull if I can't let go of the sheep? Would I give up what's of great value to me while I can't give up the nonsense I keep? Shall a thief be entrusted with the stores of gold while his hands still steal the straw? Shall the dishonest be treated as the one who cares about the slightest of the details that really shows his honesty? There is a reason I was given those little tests that people saw as narrow mindedness. There were reasons beyond our shallow human eyes and minds. The one who's honest, is honest; in minor issues as well as major ones. It's either light or darkness. There is no grey zones to the eyes of God. His eyes of justice sees clear and discerns well, much better than anybody. His angle and perspective are the absolute, that which I want to follow and see. It's a long trip up that mountain, my legs are weak and my strength is faint. The way to that altar is nothing but the way of death, my carnal corpse only seeks to escape but my deep soul seeks to step forward. Make my soul stronger, for I know that death is life for the body, while rest is real death of my existence. For the seed has to die to live, creatures have to suffer to bring out offspring, sometimes they have to die for other species to live. A predator's life is what keeps the prey kind from dying out of starvation if they increase in multitude. Shall I ignore the wisdom He placed in nature and life and in His words? Shall I wear that eye band and pretend I am enlightened and intelligent? A genius to myself and others but a fool and a joke to Him who have created me and to life and the laws of existence. I must go up, there where my heart longs, to that place of pain and sacrifice. A moment of pain yet years of joy yet to come. Shed no tears, spill the milk and the honey you gathered for yourself over that altar for they were not to fill you nor make you happy, You will only be happy when you are free. When you drop all that you have carried and cared for, all those sick selfish desires and those decaying possessions. You will only be alive when your wings are strong and your body is light, when you can spread your wings and fly, soar where you belong between those high heavenly clouds, where vision is clear and the joy is endless. The heaven has called your heart a lot, in your visions and dreams. You can almost hear it deep within your heartbeats all the time. Take a step forward, climb up towards that altar. Today is what will bring tomorrow as you saw it in your visions ahead of its time. Now is what will make then be as it should. A drop of blood now is nothing but invested salvation for tomorrow and the days to come. Close those eyes, feel it. The touch of His Spirit of Strength and Might. Hold onto that arm of His, Be strong and He will make you stronger, all you who hope in the LORD.

I have made my choice, I chose You Father and I have placed all on that altar..

Unfathomable

The deep dark blues took over that night, black wasn't far from reach. Words are never to easy to be grasped as meanings seem to twist into riddles. I have spoken but none understood, sang but none listened. I seek one to know my deep secrets but found none, I have been mistaken again. Maybe I expected what God should have given me, from man. Maybe I am wrong again, but the fact only tells me that my expectations were never met.. Will they ever be? ..Maybe.

Rebel

I think I am going to explode. HELL! What do I care if I do? How would it matter? Sick! We all look for a purpose and a reason to live, a Difference to make or a Change. DAMN nothing never seem to change since BC! It`s the same old repeated story of silly events and predictable endings. Sick! The more the story is repeated the more we feel that the past was more original. Burn the flags, make of them some more useful toilet paper. What good is a country, what's the use of borders? Protection? Or control? Is it good 4 the people? Or the leaders? HELL with politics! The educate people to obey but never to create. Follow and never to lead! It's a sick Game to play and more sick to witness. Where is the Humanity? Our Human Identity? We are an offspring of one man, now we are only strangers to eachother, neverless; Enemies! Come on for God's sake grab my hand! What? You don't believe in God? I wont care less if you do. It's hard to find God in churches or mosques or synagogues or even pagan temples. Hold my hand and make a stand for the freedom of the human race. Freedom not from aliens nor tyrants, freedom from ignorance and narrow minded lives that we have been living. Unity instead of the parties we follow, Diversity instead of the monotonousity we seek. Maybe when we do this, maybe when we are one, we may find God. For God dwells not in the temples made of ideas and stones.. But in Humanity.

Good Bye

A good father, a Pastor and a friend. A smile never faded, a hug never cold and care that never dissolved. Passion beyond, energy, wisdom and strength filled. More than human, angelic and godly. A man of innocence and wisdom. A man I will sure miss.. Pastor Dave, I will miss you.

Evil.. No Peace

Evil, in the news, in bytes, in smiles, in words and in deceitful kisses. Another Cairo night with victims and murderers, innocence dispersed, freedoms contained lives purchased. Souls of the dead on that train scream from their hell for the justice of the God of Heavens. "cut their arms" they scream, rip them off, wash the streets with rain of their blood, blood of the untouchables, immortals and the so called divine. News, bringer of heart aches and black dawns. Curses rise like smoke to the Lord of Heavens, His eyes are closed, He hardly hold back his sword, His mercy pulls Him back. Restrains his justice.. But not forever, the day is coming and will be upon us soon. My heart burns, twists and turns not feeling right and that's a bad sign. "No Peace" says the Lord to the evil ones.. No peace

Hindering Sands

It has been long, so long since I have felt a thing, wrote or even thought, Nights and days seem so much alike. Time turns and no more change to feel. Heart lives no more and mind doesn't exist. Drowning in the sea of sorrows, cant breath joy no more. Left my tribe and people, loneliness is common, normal and a daily word I got used to mingle with. Its the sea, the salt, the burning sun and the hindering sands of this summer that have brought misery to my hear and death to my soul.. Since she's gone I am not me anymore.

I can't tell heaven from hell, can't see the smiles from the veil. I have traded my Hero for ghosts.. I have left my role in a war for a lead role in a cage. Though I wish she was here, I still keep my fears. I thought we were two souls in one life bowl, but I guess I was wrong (tribute to PinkFloyd's Wish you were here)

Largo

Winter, The season when I first met the earth. A season where the cold rain parts lovers while it washes away the dust off the dry leaves. Winter, where all the loneliness show as you try to get warm.. Alone. A season that never seemed to end in my life, doesn't seem to pass by or go away. As if time stopped the moment I was born, as if this planet decided not to tilt and bring me the spring. How I long for the spring sun, for its warm golden touch to warm up my skin and melt the ice cube that holds my heart. Yellow instead of blue. Sometimes I forget how roses and blossoms looked like, the color of fields, the joy of little children. Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if summer was here? Would all this.....

Is summer drawn on a a face of woman? Is spring her body? Would autumn be her hair? And I am the winter? Here, somewhere on this planet. Somewhere in this life and during these times there is a woman, more beautiful than my wildest imagination and more pure than my expectations. A woman to be known not by my sight and senses but my heart and mind, my very own soul for she was a part from me once before and now we are only apart. A matter of time and patience. If it was up to my eyes I would have found her but it's not. Eyes deceive, but the spirit knows and is certain. Sometimes the beast in me wants to break down walls and cry her name out loud, to jump ahead of time and rush into what's never meant to be for sake of escaping that coldness and stiffness that winter brings. Mind too confused, struggling with the heart.

This war have used up all my resources and drained all my energy. This road have wasted my time in an endless pursuit. Like Osiris, I feel like I want to gather all the pieces of me to be whole again, one with my being.

Mind Scraps

I bent down my guitar, stopped my strings, relaxed my fingers and disengaged my mind. The song of life comes to an end and the words of love to a pause. No more notes to read and no more beats to lead. On that stage I was, but never meant to be. It's not for glory but a guilt stand. It's not a crown, it's a cross. It's not where I shine, but that's where I fade. Where me is not important but music is..

The land screams: "no more life, I will sell them for a price of none!". Keep your curses to your self o blood drinking sand. Your heart is a grave and your face is pain. I saw you disperse the lovers and spread away friends. Till when shall your times be as it was? Till when shall you whirl around taking the ones I care for away? O dragon of hell and doom, bringer of frown and gloom. Shall I drive a spear up your lofty heart, spill your blood for the ones who had to part?

What's the matter with me? Why do I see life as a battle ground? Am I paranoid? Or is it that I hurt? Am I true or delusional? Wise or mad? Frank or deceived? Should I rest this weary stone to bed? Would a dream carry away reality or would it just turn it to another nightmare?

Enough of this meaningless talk. Why do I want to escape the truth? I know I will miss her. Why deny? Am I protecting myself? Hell! I think I should stop writing and start sleeping. It will help pass the time at least.

Facing the East

This morning I work up, touched the ground with my bare feet and looked out of my window towards the light. I remembered a request of a dear friend, asking me to send her something she missed in a message of words. I smiled walked on and took a step into those magic rays of the east; those that I have been hiding myself from in that concrete cave where I dwell...

Though it's not flesh, It touched me and though its only light it got into me. Slowly but surely warming up my skin, shivering the coldness away and driving the humidity out of my flesh. Mastering it's arts its rays sunk beneath my skin, filling my cells with life. Like a plant I felt my leaves revive and as a tree I stretched to the light. My colors grew brighter and the hue of my skin became more colorful and more beautiful. Though my eyes were closed, It was so bright. I opened my eyes to see life more beautiful, full of shades and lights. Full of contrast, brightness and color. It has reached my mind and spine, with warm indulgence it embraced my flesh and strengthened my bones, regenerating my power and filling me with divine energy, making me feel one with the universe; a part never to separate from life. Dancing this very slow and romantic dance across the face of this planet around the orbit of our existence. It is what pulls us close and pushes us apart, keeping all in harmony and perfect timing. It is the Sun.

The Waste!

I don't believe it was love, I don't believe it was ever meant to be. It wasn't true, It wasn't about giving it was all selfishly taking. Now I know that she never loved me, she only wanted me, She couldn't take the chance of letting me go, with all the good I brought with me to her life, to all the meaning I carried in my words for her. All that she wanted was to keep this pleasure I brought to her life, but when it comes to commitment she freaks out. She never loved me and never will, she only enjoyed me, squeezed pleasure out of my devotion and care. Who is she and who am I? The perfect love crime is when the victim co-operates with the criminal, to the extent of wasting himself. Yes, it was the perfect crime. I helped her. "waste me" I said invitingly, giving up my heart for one who never deserved the offer, devotion for a traitor, care for the careless. Irony! I was blind but now I see brighter than light; I know. War, on all that you left in me. War, is all I have for your memories. War, on all the ways that you drove me through. And though I forgive you, but you have no place in me no more. You are no more welcome in my life for eternity. So drop all your plans of sweet talking your way back to my life for now I see you for who you really are. You can't hide no more, I know your strategies, your plans, priorities and even your dreams. For spirit sees beyond skin, deeper than what the eyes can see. I am no longer flesh, for you have murdered me.

The Wait

It's been haunting my brain for too long now, that terrible sticking headache. That pulse of pain that zaps across my neurons; that wave of hurt that runs through my system. Yes, I hurt but No, I'm not sick.. At least not physically. I believe it's my heart not my mind. I got a knife; a dagger: should I cut it out? Or just stab it? Is my cure in steel? Maybe. Would poison kill the pain? Or would that be another try in vain? Will drugs separate the hurt? Will medicine erase the memories? Or will they grow in me another obsession? I have put my heart through all the tests, examined it so closely and yet I don't understand why.. Why does it hurt? What keeps it feeling this way? Is time my cure? Does anyone know this for sure?? Why do my tears reject release? Why do I keep my sorrow to myself? Why do I write it down and keep it before me? Why does the past steal my future and rob me days of my pleasure? A land of thorns, a charging ox with horns, that asphalt ground, mourning with a terrible sound.. And You who read and listen, who know all stay so silent and quiet. You who has been with me from the beginning watch and wait. You who I have trusted and will. You who is dear to me, who I have no one else, Till when God will you keep your eyes closed and your ears shut to the cries and screams of my torn apart heart? How long? I choose to have no other choice but to wait and I will because You will Help me but.. Can You just move the time a bit faster? I ask for silly things that I know wont happen, You wont listen though You do. I will trust You and I will trust Your way. I should and I will and You will be on time.. The right time. That which I was promised will be for me and all that You have done will show the greatness of your plans and ways. Till that dawn shines, I wait.

Slow sleep

Across the slow moving Nile of Cairo, A silent and peaceful night. On the back of a sailing hippo, while reflections shine bright. It's been long since I last heard silence, it's been so long since I sailed with someone. Someone to bring a little sophistication in my time of consciousness for I have dwelt on dreams, lived amongst the shadows of illusions. Twinkling lights may have no meaning from a distance but fills the scene with warm feeling. The breeze was so warm, so soft and kind to put anyone to bed so peacefully that you would wake up without memory and without regret. The Nile argues and wins, it can convince you, it can own you and get into you with all its soft persuading waves, with its smooth slow honey like motion. And so it was, just like a baby her eyes closed longing for that pillow and those dreams of sweet nature.

The City Song

City swarms with lights, but lights never shine its nights.
Cars roll wheels, burning steel, moving faster than I feel.
Life, Life is everywhere but not a heart beat to feel.
Habitation of human manifestation. Forgotten salvation.

Cold metals feel the heat while hearts refuse to beat.
rubber may melt and burn while eyes refuse to turn.
bricks blend with concrete while hands refuse to meet.
Wires twist and turn, while minds refuse to learn.

Here, where we thought we'd find heaven, where we thought we'd be forgiven.
Here, where our dreams were too bright, we thought we could and we might.
Here is all you promised me that I believed. Here, all I found was deceit.

Sailing Space

Black, Peaceful and so quiet is everything around. I would stare at through my window for hours and hours; and its still black, peaceful and quiet. Moving through that endless space doesn't really give me a feeling of how fast or how slow is it, I don't even know how far I have gone. All I know is my heading, dream and destination. Parting is never pleasant.. Never. Sometimes You have to ride where you didn't really plan to go, I keep reminding myself: "It's for the best", and Yes, it is! Trough all this trip I have nothing to do, no ideas to discuss and no memories to remember for all I have is to wait. Just to wait: not in despair, not in boredom, not in complaint and definitely not in regrets; for at in unexpected moment, at any second in time: my destiny would appear, in the midst of darkness and in the stillness of silence. I Believe.

Enough

Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing you ever think you should. That goes with forgiveness. Sometimes the deepest wound is the hardest to forget but always the hardest to cure. To give, To wait only grows more expectations. Not to receive brings disappointments and heart breaks. It's never easy for relationships, when one is very much into it with his whole heart and the other is only judging from behind the wall. It's not easy when one is so free to be and the other is placing so much restrictions. It's not easy when one is natural and the other is motivated by fears from the past. Its not right when both are not on same ground. Its not fair when you let someone to give you while you only need to waste what's been given away. It's not right to let someone wait for a false hope, I don't want to see someone suffer for another's pleasure. Enough.

What is fair? What is right? What is true? What is noble? What is pure? It's too late to ask, Too late to discuss. It's over now and all I have is to forgive.

When it does..

My heart will leave the setting sun of hate, anger and despair. This is not for me no more. Nothing else should be in me, nothing else but pure love. I want to smile to the rising sun of love and hope.. I will.

My Doors shall never close in rejection and fear. This too wont dwell in me no more. I am an open book and still I shall be. It wont weaken me if I am crystal clear, It will only raise what I am worth. Some day I will be valued by the one who will know and understand.. I know.

My soul shall not be alone no more, shall not be isolate. I wasn't created for distance, I was created to be a center and an axis. I shall not deprive my presence from acknowledgement. Even if tonight I spend on my own in bed, tomorrow night wont have to be this way.. I'm certain

My life shall not fail to exist nor turn to blackness. My life is a sun, so brilliant and bright I wont let it turn to be a black hole. Even if everyone enjoys my warmth and light without gratitude I don't care, I wont shrink but when the dark comes I will be missed and valued. Even if not appreciated or cherished today, Tomorrow will come when I will be.. I believe.

Love Wins, I believe.

Aftermath of the Heart

Talk, talk, don't stop. Open up, speak it out. O heart of mine don't be silent, stop burying yourself in the dark. Say it, tell the whole story, say the password. How many times will you live? How many lives do you have other than this one? Don't ever regret a moment you spent, don't regret all that you have done, No Don't push yourself away o heart of mine. I don't want you to die on me now. Open up don't keep your silence, please don't choke life out of you. I know you loved her and I know you hurt, even though you are now without hope and even though I wouldn't agree for you to step further but this way you will only poison yourself, you will drown in sorrow and drag me with you. We are not to part o heart of mine, for we are both in this temple never to part. Love? What about it? Speak! Say it, I know what you keep deep inside of you. Help me help you. Don't die on me tonight, keep beating. When your beatings fail, I feel it, I drag into this long sleep too. If you want to die why don;t you say it?? Say it just say anything, anything. I have shut you up so many times, stopped you from even admitting it after that sad Monday but now I am telling you speak, I will listen, I wont stop you. Say the magic words, Speak them up loud, Shut them up or just scream them! YOU LOVE HER! And STILL DAMN YES YOU DO FOR I STILL LOVE HER TOO.. I still do.

Listen, calm down. I know its hard for you. Everything seem to remind you of her. Its hard to forget, even drugs didn't do you no good. Listen to me, I will lead you down my icy ways. I know my way is so cold for you, but it will take you back home again, I will heal you if you listen to me. I know my words are cold and hail to you, but they are true. Believe me, you will heal and those memories will fade away. It's going to be over soon believe me. O blind heart of mine, though you loved till the end of your existence, though you opened up wide, though you gave yourself and everything you had and I don't blame you for that, for I did the same too but I smile for I did all I had, all I was and all I can. Sing with me, just dance under the heat of this summer, lets jump in the sea. We did all that we were, did all that we could. We were willing to give up everything for the one we chosen to love. Take it this way.. At least now we know she is not for us, how else would we know? I guess now we will not be afraid to loose her anymore for now you and I know she is not for me. If we coiled in fear we would have been still trying to get her attention, patiently waiting for a sweet word or a date from her, now things are more clear to us. She cant hurt you no more, I promise you no more pain O heart of mine. It's over now believe me. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, a new life. I believe that Father will heal us, I believe He will gather us to one we have been waiting for some day. So cheer up, Hope now is not a person, its in Him not her anymore. Come one, Yes beat again those beats of joy! Free yourself from grief and sorrow. Tomorrow will be better I promise, No more pain, No more..

Final Curtains

That scene ended in goodbyes. It's still hard to remember that moment, letting go was never easy; specially for me. Been more like a week now, cleaning up the mess in me, putting things in place, speaking up my mind and feelings. I never saw that coming, I thought we were getting closer but I guess I was wrong, we were just heading to a crossroads and the time was set for us to go each to our separate ways. Hmh, I guess I have objected long enough, fought, wrestled, talked and tried all my energy out but no regrets and no hard feelings. Now my battle is not to build, not to reach out anymore, but to restrain my horse and get it to submission to ride on again and to head after my destiny. I wonder why I write, I guess I got used to. I only feel free when I write, for absolutely no one can ever listen to my words for my feelings are so intense that they melt the lead shields of the solid rock hearts of the ones who listen. I know I am Hell and a Furnace, I know I am a rock and a rolling burden, but I know that I am here on this earth.. For now. Maybe that's why I prefer to write, so I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of pulling a soul into depression. But You God are not like any nor like all, You bear me and understand. Only You can deal with my tormented nature, for this I still smile. I have You.

Eyes of the blind

O eyes of mine, you have been open wide, for such a long time. You seek to see but nothing came to be. You had your dreams, you had your doubts. You have seeked the vision in the wandering clouds. Time ticks arround as you stay bound, leaving behind its boring sound. And as it goes by, and as your chances fly. You face the dark, you can't deny. But one day it will be known to your mind, when the sun is up, You are not blind.

Unknown, Banished & Forgotten

You have been there all the time, down under, far away from recognition and definitely so far from all sorts of appreciation. Cars roll past by you and streams of light flicker across. Seasons came and past by, years, months and days. You sat there watching time as lines carved signatures in your face. They have laid you down low even that your screams are not even heard. You keep your tears to yourself, and you fold on your bleeding wounds. Many have known you but none really cared. Have you waited for a savior? Or dreamt of a lover? None came to claim, none could stand still, none could take the test. All has failed you. You spill your diamonds at the feet of your dreams & your gold before your saviors. They walk over it and pass by. No language to tell or make that deaf zone brighten up into voices of music and poetry. Who understands you? Will anyone ever do? You have spread your arms and spoke the words out loud: " I am the prize, whoever gets me gets everything " but none understood. You, I know you. Since our first days on earth, since even before we were born. Yes, I know you. You have drained me out of my power and walls, you wanted to open up but I wanted to close. Now look at us now, what have we become? What have I done? Where have you gone now?
And though you are the heart and I am the mind.. I guess that both of us are blind!

Can't find a title

I know I might be wrong about a lot of things in my life, I know I have stepped on so many toes, I know sometimes I hurt. Never meant her no pain, no hurt. I might be a little clumsy, a little voluntary, a little strange but deep in me is a very sensitive heart. I know I am a bit stubborn, a bit tracked but I am always open minded and wanting to learn and eager to change to the better version of me.
I know I am not perfect, but what would Jesus choose to tell the judges to do about me? Will He tell them to do justice and stone me until I am buried under that pile of condemnations? ..I would stand speechless though for I believe. I believe that Jesus really understands and though my heart fades away a beat, though my mind grows weary, though my being feels hollow. Sometimes I don't know what to write, what to say or how to express. Don't know where to start. I am only learning how to dance but it seems like I got no chance. I would just need her words to tell me how, make me understand where my foot steps go with the rhythm, how my hands and shoulders should move with the tune. I have been trying to guess my way all around, its been so dark for me to see, I needed all the hints and help I could get but I seem to keep crashing in the wall again and again while all I needed was those little tips to guide my way. But it seems like I don't know what. I don't really know where to go, who would tell me. Who would really show me how to move with her and feel her, who would make me feel her own heart deep inside. If her lips wouldn't open to reveal her feelings and disappointments, I will stay be moving in the dark.
God I feel so bad, I don't know what to do. I don't know anything and I just keep missing her and worst of all is that I know she is hurting and I don't want her to hurt and I still don't know what to do. I am so confused, don't know what to think. Not even sure if she ever read my words that she would get me right and not even be more hurt. I am scared. Don't want to hurt her no more, her reaction makes me freak out of myself. Sometimes I ask myself what have I done and keep looking at the mirror trying to see the monster on the other side. Am I so horrible? Am I so scary? Hurting and so evil as I feel about myself right now? I pray you Father, If the answer is "yes" to those questions that You would protect her from me, even if the story would end with a spear that would go through my heart. God, You know. You know that I love her from all my heart, like I have never felt love before. I wish..................

Among the crowd..

Among the crowd, I pushed my way through the rush hours of day. Hopeless maybe, alone for sure. I made it that far on my own and I think I did fine. A load of thougts were on my mind as I opened that door; Yes, that door. The door that took me to a different world and a different face. From that moment on I knew that my destiny has dramatically changed, My future was no more mine & my heart was not inbetween my ribs. That moment I saw her. Yes, she was as beautiful as an angel and Yes, she stole my heart as a devil. She is unexplainable, uncomprehedible but yet so wonderful. I got no words, I would just lie underneath the stars and wonder. A lot of things don't really matter to me, What is mine now is a thing of the past. All my life became just a moment in time, everything stood still in me; now all that I want is to love her with all my being, in every bit of my existence, till the end of time.

Awaited to be..

The dawn I have waited for after that long lonely dark night, touched my cold dry skin. The life I missed when I was in the bottom of the sea of parting, created a new breath in the quietness of my despair. All that I closed my eyes desperate for, have came back and brought me Hope. I was black and now I am white, I was in the dark but now I am in the light. Yesterday was to me the end of the fight, today; Love shines bright. Let today be forever, let us enjoy this endeavor. To be together: One. Bonded in powerful ribbons of love, defying the tests of time and the thorns of fear. Be my heart and soul, and I will be your shell and strength. Be my life and blood in my veins, and I will be your body and your being. Be me, for eternity. Be the light for me to see, my Hope and ecstasy. Be who you were to be.. Fill that space in me.

Pain, The Pain

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

Pain No

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

The Struggle

For days, long nights, weeks and months I lived on a dream to be loved by her. With all my imagination, fantasies, facts and long hard trials I have seeked her. In every bit of flesh in me, in every drop of blood I have longed for her. And now at the cliff of parting I have to stand. Deep inside there is a global war! All that is ME still wants her and all that I know says it will never happen. Armies of raging heart beats tears my existence with razor blade memories of her whom I once loved. Brigades of rational thoughts batter my mind with reasons and wisdom that pushes a spear into my being and letting it through. By Heaven and Hell, By Life and Death I have loved her. But look at me now, I have become so transparent, so thin, fragile and worn out. If I can make a deal with God to shorten my days for only one sentence to hear from her saying " I love you", I would sign it right away. If I can give up all my future for her to be with me, I wouldn't hesitate. Love that once made me be, now is killing me. Love that brought me once sunshine, now is bringing a storm. I thought she wanted me, thought she really needed me. I guess it was all in my head. I dreamt that she would grab hold of me and never let me go, dreamt she would walk over everything just to be with me. I was wrong. She walked over my heart, and held firm to everything else but me. I have given my heart to an image in my mind, I acted all the way as if I was blind. How far do I have to go to get her out of my heart? Shall I go to the ends of the earth or would that be too close? Shall the edge of sanity bring me relief? Would I spend my whole life trying? Maybe my rest is not in life, Would I forget her in the afterlife? I don't want to cry in heaven, for eternity my tears will flow like rivers that will spread the rain on earth till God make me new again in His love; till God wipes those tears dry and mend that broken heart of mine. I wish I could hate her whom I once loved; I can't and I can never do. In this whole war that is inside, there is only one who will loose.. And its me.

What's impossible?

Will she ever understand? Will she ever know? Will she ever realize what is possible and what's impossible? Will she ever get to this place of knowledge to find the truth? Will she ever be convinced? My hands are tied, my mouth is sewed shut, my eyes are blind folded and my legs are crippled. How can I express what I can't put in words. How can I even write down what I haven't any words to express? The pain, the anger, the missing, the love and the rage I feel; are like a drop in the ocean of wild contrasting emotions in the inverted sky of my being. Never break a man's heart. I am not me anymore, and all I have is myself. I took the risk and placed my heart in her hands but she couldn't handle it. My heart is fire, lit by the flames of the sun. It could either made her warm, protected her like a wall around her and gave her light or just burnt her in its flames. She couldn't take my passion and affection, couldn't take my devotion and preferred my distance and parting. Instead of my hug, she wanted just a photograph; instead of my kiss she preferred an email; instead of my love she wanted friendship. I got nothing to blame her, I just want to be alone, away from her; to be somewhere calm so that I can heal and try to put off the fire of love that has burnt my heart, to forget that Image of her who I once loved, to put off the hope I once lived and the light that once made me smile. But will she understand? Will she ever know? Will she realize what is impossible for me to do?

O heart of mine

Driving along the sleepless streets of Cairo, I took the long way home. Didn't want to go home anyway, guess I was just keeping myself busy: or maybe just trying to run away from myself. Mind was like a restless top, kept whirling around thinking; trying to put the pieces of this life puzzle together. Heart was not feeling well, caught up in denial of its actual status; helplessly trying to fill the empty space inside. I pictured an empty room as I was driving, it was so real that all that I actually saw seemed like a background movie. It was so empty and grey, as if no one lived there; but I did, I was just invisible and maybe I was grey as well. Someone took out the salt out of food, color out of nature and warmth out of me. Someone brought sunset so quickly that I couldn't enjoy the sunrise. Someone who was right here in this room, now left me with memories, hope and emptiness. Stupid I am! I should watch where I am driving. The night was so dark, the moon was pretty. Who knows what the day will bring? Ah my heart just shivered bitterly, poor thing I wouldn't mind if you stop and I wouldn't blame you if you failed me. O heart of mine, wish I could put you to rest, wish I had answers for you; wish I could tell you where your love has gone: all I can say is hang in there if you can, but if you can't I can never blame you. O heart of mine, you have met a lot of blades than men of war had, you have hurt deeper that sacrifices felt, you have flooded the dry lands with tears more than the clouds of the time of Noah did. Where is your love? Where is your life? How long can you hang on? How much can you bear?

I felt my heart answer, not in words but in beats.. Soft steady beats, like the soft waves of a tranquil sea. Very soft I couldn't feel them, like the fading sunset and the fainting scents. I wish you could talk to me as I do to you O heart of mine. Forgive me for I never knew how sensitive you are.. You can go, and leave my chest if you want to. You can stop and bring us to rest. You can even get angry at me if you want to. O heart of mine, I wish you were not mine and I guess you wish the same way too.

Thoughts Devoured

My heart hurts me and I don't know why. Been sailing this raging sea for so long, lost a lot; can't deny. Mountains of tranquility call my mind to dream of their outstanding serenity and amazing solidity. Waves of confusion and irrationability blows the sails of my mind into unwanted currents that drift me off course. Sailing this sea has never been easy anyone.. And definitely not for me.

thoughts boil in my heart evaporates visions of those mountains, but my senses blow away this wonderful vapor and exhales out facts and diminishes all those outstanding fantasies. Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper...
Will this game ever settle a score? Or will a mad man's wish go unfulfilled till his days go wasted away? Rock - Scissors - Paper, Will you ever make peace? Will I know the answer laying the fleece? Mindless heaven and meaningless haven is the no answer relief. Short term peace it is, one day flower, sunrise in a storm and a shooting star light. But me no settle for fake diamonds nor sign nominal treaties, for me seek truth however bitter cup it might pour in, whatever it may take and however it has to be.

Time, I wish it was only a matter of time. Ticks have kept me awake at night, counting them but never reaching a stop nor even knowing where I started. Man's days are numbered by watches & clocks. So strange how the smallest lifeless thing can carry so much wisdom and a messages to deliver. Mind is sick, so sick wants to go to make chaos and destroy sanity.

.. I should get some sleep.

The Mastery of Vanity

The dark black infection to the mind of the merry is like a wing swing of a bee. Yellows and blacks contrast inside the soul of the poisoned tearing his solidity and darkening his space. None of understanding might comprehend but he of sense might know the riddle of the demanding pressure of affection. To foretell might be easier and to predict is smoother than the realization of the truth between the muscle folds of the beating heart. The yet unfashionable words of understanding are the words of passion and the undesired meanings are those of unity. This ungrateful rock spins around its demise in the orbit of vanity. The faces made resemblance to the ground where their roots have held firm. Fruits of tar bring no pleasure and leaves of abandonment leave no color signature. Dark blacks and dull yellows cover the whole with the sinful poison of loneliness and abomination of self pity. Shall it be told? Or have it been foretold? I doubt.

Frown Clown

I walked through those curtains, into the lights. People cheered, children giggled. My charisma was enough to make the crowd go wild for without a word I could make them bounce on their chairs. Everything about me is unique, my clothes, hat and shoes even my make up and my red round nose. I do all sorts of crazy haircuts. Who cares? I am only good for a smile and my memory only lasts for a while. When the lights go down and the curtain falls I go back home. After I have been surrounded by hundreds, now I am all alone.

A Dream, Die or Live

I hesitated much before I started writing, Didn't know where to start so I thought why wouldn't I start casually with my hesitation. It's alright, I guess all people have these moments. I don't really know what to mention first, my dreams? Or my complaints? No, maybe my feelings. You know what I dream of Father? Like, have You watched me when I daydream once? I bet You might laugh at me, maybe You feel sorry for how small and selfish they are. You know, You are God. I guess everything will look small to You. But I know that since You created me so small that means that You would definitely care about my small issues. Ah, It's a good relief I guess I can start talking now!

I dream to have a "life", A place to be and exist. A thing to do. A purpose and a target. Father, I don't know if that's ok but sometimes I feel so lost in this life. Its all like a dark room to me. I am in but I don't seem to find the window to bring in the light. I follow You, I guess I do. I try hard to listen and to do but Father I seem to end up in a dead end street. All I find before me is a wall! Should I jump? Or turn back? Can I break through it? Did I read the map right? Is my compass heading North? Sometimes I wonder Father, Where did it go wrong? You know, I did my best, tried hard, followed and followed and followed. You say sit I sit, stand, I stand. Jump up and down I do. I still wonder why is it still dark in this room?

I wish I open up my eyes every morning to see the sunshine from my bed in this nice house on a calm neighborhood. Wake up with the one I love, Take a walk in the nice fresh air with my wife, dog and my 7 ears old child. Laughing and joking together, saluting nice neighbors as we pass by. Later on drive to work where I really am who I am doing what I was meant to do the way I should with a friendly professional environment. Achievement, success and commitment. Then Later on through the day maybe it would be my turn to pick up my child from school. Going home to my wife, who might have come right away from her work. A little chat and a kiss. Fixing food together, having some fun with my clumsiness au cuisine. Ah the dog needs some to eat. Grab a bone! Here's your dog food! A calm evening watching a movie, maybe going out having dinner, going to the movies or inviting a friend. Then a warm night with my love in my arms sleeping peacefully and our lovely child sleeping like the angels.

Father? Are dreams meant to be fulfilled? Or just ignored? Where does they come from? You? Or who? Is is ok for me to dream? Will that be alright with You? Will dreams break my heart? Or will they bring me hope? My mind is so messed up Father, I don't really know what to think. I am afraid to hold on to my dreams, and also afraid to loose them. I wish, I dream, I imagine and I don't know. I don't know a thing. I took a shower, put my head under the warm water rush, mind so stiff, heart so heavy. Sometimes I feel afraid to mess up that I don't really try or make a choice. Afraid of You Father. Afraid to mess things up, Go off plan, Make a critical decision that would turn me into Judas or Saul! I sometimes feel I am walking the wire. I am dead scared of falling, terrified of failing. I want to be perfect But I simply CAN'T! Maybe it shouldn't be that way, Maybe I am putting very high standards for following You, Standards that You haven't put for me. Father, I know only one thing. Remember the Night You talked to me, You said: " I will never leave you ". Those words keep me going, till this very moment. At least I have the assurance that You won't leave me.

Open my eyes Father so I can know and see, You not my picture of You. I want to see Your Face as IS, Not as I picture You. End my quest, my wonder and darkness. Show me what I have never seen or heard or known. That Was and Is and Will be. Who Are You? Bless me to know Who You really Are.

Soul mate of eternity

Would life mean a thing without you? Would all the earth be of any worth when you are away? All of my days I have waited for you, since my creation I missed you for you have been taken away from me by the hands of God as He left me with the desire and the clue to find you, with a sure promise too. O Heart of my heart and soul of my soul your pain is a torture to my own presence and your sadness is a spear driven through my liver. I would place my very own self on that alter of pain instead of you, I would even die in your place. I would do anything to keep you from pain. Let me hold you close, hide you in my arms, keep you warm in the middle of snow storm and well in the middle of the night. Let me touch you and heal you, lead you to the shores of sunshine and into the gardens of hope. You who your name always brought me hope seems to thirst for it, and though you are my promise of it, it's my turn to be that hope for you. I wish you would just lean on me, for I would carry you. Trust me for I will protect you. My fairly adored love and my greatly cherished soul mate. I would kiss your lips and give you my very own spirit and health and take away all your pain and faint. Let me be for you with all my strength, let me be around you for all my life. Wonder not if I say that I loved you even more than I loved my very own self. Doubt not at my devotion to you. If I live forever I would never find anyone like you.. So tonight let me die for you, my beloved soul mate.

Helpless to Confess

She took me where I lost myself, She lead me where I became no more. I followed her till everything I wanted became her, I pursuit her till she over took my existence. Her eyes trapped mine into adoration, Her voice captured my ears into hypnosis, Her body enslaved mine into devotion, Her presence forced my heart into surrender. Sweet sweet surrender. Like an iceberg I melted at the equator of her passion, and like a meteor I burnt into the atmosphere of her silence. She caught me by the heart and pulled me closer, brought me to my knees before her. I cannot resist her no more for I am tangled by the locks of her hair that drives me wild and by the look of her eyes she cheers my heart up. Addiction would be amazed what she has done to me and magic would wonder how she did that. She leaves me helpless to confess what I have been hiding and to admit all that I have been denying. Then my tongue rebels over my mind and speaks the secrets of my heart, threatening my strength as it uncovers my weakness. With all my power I try to stop it. Its not just my tongue, even my heart wants that! My eyes and skin wants that even my very own lips wont keep shut together everything in me seem to stand up against me! And then I find myself getting out of control. Totally.. And as I surrender, the words come out of my lips saying..
"I love you"

Drifting Shell

Somewhere I found myself, looking around couldn't see a thing. It's not dark but it's very undefined. Shapes seem to have no outline, masses seem to have no shadow. It's a different world in here. No one can tell North from South in here. Actually there is no one here but me. Sounds like the sea. Sleeping so peacefully and turning around as the currents move her. I can feel the shaking and rumbling. I hold on tight to where I stand. Keeping my balance. For all my life is in a tiny sea shell in the bottom of that huge ocean.

Stairways of space

Walking up the stairs, With uncertain steps I rose up. Looking around all I can see is stars and space nebulas creating an imperiled view I have never witnessed in my whole life. It's been a long way from earth now and a very long trip it was. Step by step I ascended these stairs and yet there are more to go. Weariness has forgot all about me, weakness has abandoned me. My eyes look up at the end of those stairs and focus on the end of it. Energy flows through my body and power rushes through my veins, heart pumps like an earthquake and breath as hot as a volcano. There seems to be so much life with in me, empowering me like a locomotive, like a nuclear bomb in its moment of power. I am like a comet crossing the space and wasting away the time passing across the galaxies unstopped and undefined. Everytime I look at her up there, at the end of those stairs I boil, freeze and evaporate into the deepest pit of love. While she is in the height of amazement. But then, what now? And how? All I know is I have to climb up those stairs, to the moon.

Unspeakable Love

Father, I look up to You. In my time of trouble and in the hour of affliction. Your face seems not to express anything while mine shows everything. You seem so much different from me though I am Your son. Your silence is a killer sometimes, Your stillness is tougher than the loads I carry but somehow You are doing the right thing. Your wisdom is beyond my humanly comprehension. Your ways are beyond my recognition but they take me to the right destination after all. I wait for You, Wait and wait. I keep my eyes fixed on You when my heart rips off my chest. When I am stabbed, hated and totally misunderstood. When I am counted as the enemy and avoided as poison. Sometimes Father all I have is hate and anger but it only lasts for a moment and disappears for that I am made of is love. Just like wine spilled on the floor, I am. I wonder no more for if Jesus was treated like so why would I be treated better? I am no greater than my Master, No better than my Teacher. All I have is just to look up to You Father for strength in time of darkness and for joy in time of pain. Only You Father know my heart, Only You Father know what it's like. Only you know the wounds of the one who loves. Only You who understand me and love me. I have no one else in this world but You. And really miss You here. Is there anyone in this world who has got a bit of Your love in her heart for me? Will there ever be? Vashti or Esther? I can not tell who is who anymore. All I have is an invitation, a red carpet and a celebration but it seems to me that no one of my guests is really interested. All are busy, worried and troubled. You have purified me like gold and even more precious I am. You have made me as clear as diamonds and pure as silver. Till now none realized my worth. None understood. But I am not upset about that for I believe You unlocked only one pair of eyes to see and understand and to want me. So I wait and wait for I know that day will come. And Till it does You keep me in Your furnace and purify me more and more. With Your silence and stillness. Your unspeakable love.

Nailed away

Been so long hanging on that cross, skin tightening and flesh dehydrating. Sun burnt my face and wounds covered me all over. Looking up to heavens to seek mercy but silence is all find. My loved ones deserting me was painful more than thirst, but I knew they would. They are so weak and I understand. How long should I stay hanging on that cross? Nailed away from freedom and crowned with burdens and sins for sake of Love and justice? I desire nothing for my will is the same of the Father. I look up to Him and I know that He will end it up when its time. He wont be late. I know I will have to go, Its nearly over now. I hang in patience and pain.

My friend the Groom

Dressed in His wedding suit He stood, I was right beside Him, Waiting with Him. I looked at my watch. She was late. He looked back to me with eyes full of sadness and disappointment. I didn't know what to say or what to tell Him. I knew that nothing could ever ease the pain that goes through His heart. Its been so long and He has been waiting eagerly for his bride. I am not His first friend, Others stood in my place for a long time till they had to leave. Sometimes I got angry at her for not showing up, but He, He never got angry of her. Though jealous He was but He never quit waiting for her. His breath was heavy and sad. He kept looking back at me with eyes full of words but no word He said. He then looked back at the door waiting for it to open at any moment for His bride to enter. I looked around, some guests have fallen asleep, some have left and some has kept on making fun of Him. I looked back to Him with eyes full of compassion and questions and He looked to me right through my eyes and then I started to see. I saw His bride deep within His eyes, She wasn't dressed in wedding clothes but she was dressed like a whore dancing before the eyes of others, bouncing from one man's hug to another's. Laughing and singing with a cup of strong drink in her hand. Stumbling from one hall to another, from one room to another, from a street to an alley. Into darkness she went, and into sorrow He was buried. He closed His eyes squeezing tears out of His eyes and out of mine tears ran down my face. He whispered: " Bring her back to Me", I nodded. For such greater love I will, for a broken heart of a worthy Groom, a dear friend and Lord I will. I walked towards the door, pushed it open with both hands and went through the dark, With a song, a song He wrote for her. Singing as I went. Hoping that she would recognize the words and that the tune may soften her drunken heart. The is nothing more precious in existence that a loving heart and nothing is more hurting than a broken one.

My little girl

My little girl, been so long since I last saw you. Been years since I have been close to you. Since that day that she left my side and wandered away through the busy streets of our city. I went on looking for her for days and nights but I never found her. Now here she is sitting in a corner grabbing her legs together as she faces her knees and stares at the ground where the winds blow the autumn leaves around. Tears flooded my eyes and started falling from my eyes as I saw her and I couldn't believe my eyes. Could my beloved little girl, the destination of all my love end up in this lonely and cold place? I couldn't believe what I saw. I have never imagined my baby the one who grew in my arms and enjoyed the warmth of my hug to end up hugging her knees in that cold surrender in that corner of a wall. My heart cracked as I saw her like that as if a cold steel blade ran throughout my beating heart. My skin froze and my eyes cried as I saw the ample of my eye misplaced and mistreated. I would rather die a thousand times than see her like that. I would rather fade into inexistence than to leave her like so. With passionate aching heart I ran close and I went down on my knees before her, tried to look her in the eyes, I touched her face as she opened her eyes slowly. "Beloved" I whispered, "Daddy is here for you". She looked at me with cold still eyes, she stared at me for a while then closed her eyes slowly then opened them again. "its not a dream my baby, Daddy is here for you" I whispered and smiled as a tear ran down my face. She opened her mouth and uttered something silently then her voice started to be heard: "da.." Then she smiled and closed her eyes and opened her arms. I grabbed her with both my arms and held her so tightly, raised her off the ground Kissed her all over her face and cried like I never did before, I heard her saying in a weak voice: "daddy I missed you, I missed you daddy". A moment in time that my heart kept beating as never before in my life that I felt it would stop. It's all that I ever wanted to hold in my arms again is my little girl.

If she was ever in Eden

She, the most wonderful person my eyes has ever seen. Her voice is the most relieving tone my ears has ever enjoyed. Everything about her makes me wish only for one wish.
That we would have met in Eden. With no memories, no past, no fear, no second thoughts, no regrets and no insecurities. I can take them away if she wanted, if only she surrendered and trusted me. But my hands are tied with a promise and my arms are wrapped in the chains of logic and understanding. I feel like a bomb that is ticking and like a smoking mountain ready to release its hidden volcano. A heart full of overwhelming love ready to burst with all its love and adoration. But then the mind rules me, understanding control my actions. How can I put fire in me and not burn and how can I leave a bomb in me and not explode? Can understanding answer that? Can reason argue with me? Or is it sometimes that ill logical natural actions be more wise than civilized organized reason? Or is it the pride of intelligence that ruins that purity of instincts? I wish we met in Eden, it wouldn't have to be this way.

Beneath the Cross

I walked across Jerusalem's busy streets carrying a huge chunk of wood placed on my shoulder, squeezing my wounded skin as I walked with bare feet along the hot stone paved streets towards the Calvary. I can hardly hear the people around, I am so exhausted, Lost a lot of blood and my body suffers severe pain from caused by flails of the executioners. Even the cool breeze seem to burn my wounds more, that breeze that used to cool down my warm skin is only hurting me more But not more than what I feel. I looked around trying hard to open my eyes from the bruises I got in my trial all night long. Those faces seems familiar, they were around when I entered Jerusalem. They cheered for salvation and now they are cursing me with death. My head is in extreme pain. Thorns have pierced my head all over. But all that is in my mind is to fulfill my Father's will. Struggling in each step I take I took one step after another. The guards pushed me to make haste all the way. I started to feel my body fainting, I want to move on by my knees are failing me, My skin burns, My head heavy and hurts, my back so weak and my shoulders are breaking. I lift up my eyes to my Father. I pushed on. Tried to focus more, tried to restrain my body. I have walked all around Israel and Judea for days and days now I can hardly make it up to Calvary. Its a heavy burden on my shoulder and heavier in my heart. My heart that beats with pain sorrow and obedience. My heart that beats with Love and moves my tears. My Heart, Ah...
I found myself on the ground, beneath the cross.

You wont Leave me, never!

Father, I don't want to speak. I don't know what goes on in my heart of mine. Will You be patient with me? Will You wait for me? Will You not stop loving me? I know I am wrong about a lot of things, I know I don't treat You the way I should be, The way someone who was really loved should react to his Lover. Father, Please don't stop loving me because I am so unfocused and confused. I want You Father, I just don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I am drunk or something. I keep loosing my focus as if I am on drugs. How can I ever not choose You when I know You are All that I want and All that I wished for?? Help me Father, Don't leave me. Reach down for me and save me. Do not stop at my stone heart and let not my feeble will repel You. When I faint, hold me and if I die, revive me. Tell me now that we are to be together forever, Tell me You wont leave me nor forsake me. Tell me nothing can keep us apart! Father I love You, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do..
But yes, I know You. You have promised not to leave me nor forsake me and Yes, You shall stop at nothing and Yes, You shall hold me when I faint and revive me when I die. Your Love never dies as long as You Are for You are Love and You are forever and ever. Your Love for me wont fade or fail. Your care for me wont just go away. Your grace is eternal and I shall forever dwell in your arms for life. I Love You Father, From all my heart.

Pearl of Arabia

I stood on the shores of the great white sea, looking at the horizon where the sky meets the sea, where the blue meets deeper blue. Winds blew at my face carrying the ends of my Arabian turban backwards as they wave like flags of fame and fortune trapping the eyes of the beholder to where I stand. I wish I could trap the eyes of just one, the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen as I sailed through the seas and journeyed across the Arabian deserts. One pair of brown eyes trapped the heart of an Arabian merchant. I would pay gold loads of a thousand camels for another chance to see her eyes, I would give a thousand boxes full of rare black pearls just for one step closer to her. I have gone across the great deserts, sailed along the endless waters, climbed the heights of mountains and past across the valleys. I have dragged my camels and horses for miles and miles, walked and ran and crawled for days and for endless nights I camped under those diamond stars in search for the most precious being ever seen on earth. Grooms from all around the world sail and travel to see her, to present the good of their lands and the wealth of their heir seeking her as a wife praying for her approval, even begging for it but she haven't accepted anyone yet. I untied the scarf around my neck, I held it in my hands and smelled it, Ah that scent of her, I thought. I remember the night she gave it to me with a smile. She knew I will be back and here I am getting close to her palace, her high tower where she sleeps. I passed all the other grooms who were in her garden camping waiting helplessly for her approval. I walked by as they stared at me. I have no fear nor doubt inbetween my courageous heart-beats. With eyes full of desire, with a heart full of fire I pushed her door open, her servants and maids tried to stop me but they were full of fear, they bowed down to me for they knew that I had the authority. I commanded my slaves to stand back at the door as I preceded up the stairs towards her room, that treasure box where she hides, that secret place where she disappears. I stood before the door, then slowly pushed it wide open revealing my presence to her. She slowly turned around with eyes wide open like a cup of mixed drink she was surprised and amazed at the same moment, she was shocked and thrilled. She was speechless. Her maid tried to apologize that she couldn't stop me from breaking the silence of her loneliness but she dismissed her leaving the both of us together again, like the first time we met. It was for a second of time, but this time its forever. I walked across her room straight towards her with eyes like an eagle. Her eyes were like a confused deer trying to jump away but in vain. I streched my hand to her she hesitated then she lowered her head and looked to the ground as she extended her hand to me. I bowed and kissed her hand gently, she could feel my warm desert lips touch her soft skin, she took a deep breath with an excited yet controlled smile she looked up to me, I smiled back then I pulled her up to stand and she did though her knees were too weak to stand. I gently grabbed her by the waist and slowly pulled her near to me, she closed her eyes. I closed mine.. All I felt was the touch of her soft lips touching mine then time stopped at this moment forever and all the world saw that and wondered for it has never seen such love.

Twins

Her eyes were warm brown as beautiful as the rugs of Persia, His eyes were as clear as the colored glass of an ancient cathedral. First time he saw her eyes, he got caught up in the beauty of her pretension, she also stared at the unexplainable depth of his desire. It is a sunny day at the great garden. A beautiful place for children their age to be. I brought them here, and here they are. At the beginning they didn't seem to interact much, she got busy chasing butterflies and he kept tracing her with his eyes from a distance. Going round in circles around the trees and the beautiful green bushes she kept on going as he took a corner and watched from a far. I noticed him getting hung up to her, gently trying to stand in her way.. He also wants to play. Her eyes kept him near for she also wanted him to be close. He talked to her and she seemed to reply I didn't hear what he said or how she replied for I was watching over them from a far. They seemed to act a little rough for children their age, they kept on avoiding eachother for a while then back together they came. The more I looked at them the more I smiled for memories came to me on the spot. Now they are playing some kind of a game, my guess its something like "hide and seek" She kept running from him while he chased her around as they giggled around filling the garden with a cheerful sound of innocent childish laughter. My heart was merry as I watched over them. Though she looked as fragile as a butterfly she was so hard to catch and though he looked like a wild little lion he was so gentle with her. The game kept on and on all through the day. No one knows how it will end. I simply zoomed out of all the details to see them in this wonderful place under this beautiful clear skies. Today they have met for the first time. I can see they are getting along just fine. A tear raced my check as I thought.. It has been a long time now they have been a part now they are together again like the first day they existed deep in their mother's womb. They were only once tiny little cell that has split in two. And though they had the same eyes, they never knew.. They were twins.

Shape of my heart

I opened the door of my car, sat down slowly I turned the music on as I started the engine and drove my way. I opened the windows, the air was cold so I covered my head with the cape of my sweatshirt covering my eyes to the beholder but keeping my impression to myself, keeping me warm as the song softly played..

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I kept it running on and on as my wheels rolled round and round as me was whirling upside down. I knew I wasn't alright, my eyes were staring forward driving through the chaotic Cairo streets, I was not at peace, I was numb. Music went slowly as well as my reactions to my surrounding as my wheels rolled my mind kept on thinking and thinking.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I sang along the chorus with sting, my heart was like a guitar string that was just strum silently. Drove south all the way slowly passing through crossroads and still lights. I looked up to God with eyes full of bitterness and a heart full of hate, I knew something was not right in me and I should open up and talk, but I couldn't. I wanted to cry but my tears didn't want to rain down on such a time.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

Oh God

O Father

Father, I am back. I have gone round and round, to the North and South, to the shores and mountains and now I am back. You, my Father only know exactly how I feel, You know my past and future and how is it like in this very moment as I breath and as my heart beats. Will it beat for another time? Will I inhale the air again if I let it out this once? Father, open your arms for me to rest my head on Your chest and to curl around as I sit on Your lap. I wonder, what would I do without You? I couldn't have made it this far and would not be able to anymore without You. You can see I am so confused, for You know everything that goes within my heart and mind. Been Years Father, I followed You in every step of the way till I reached this place in nowhere. Sometimes I feel You are leaving me, sometimes I feel You have forgotten me but I know You will never leave me nor forsake me. You told me, You promised and You are no liar. I believe You and I shall wait even if all of my tears dry out, even if there is no heart to hurt nor skin to feel. I shall wait for You never let me down and shall never do...

There is a purpose in all of that, Isn't it Father? I know there must be some sort of an explanation or a reason of some sort. You never let things happen for no aim. You make all things work for good for You know that I love You Father. I will wait on You. I will wait..

All I have become..

Where do you go when you are in pain? Where do you hide when hurt drives you insane? Does it conquer your physical domain? I wish I could be there in this dark cave, sharing you, feeling the same. Beloved, my heart beats off tempo for you. Maybe its not much but that's all I can do. If I can give away my health, strength even my whole life and my very own soul, I shall not hesitate a second. For you to be happy I would give up my own being and vanish into numb inexistence just for you. If I can bear all your pains I would carry it to Calvary. I wish I can be who I wish and do what I can't but I will do what I can even if it wasn't enough, I will try. You are always in my mind and heart that I melt like the ice of the mountain tops at the first heat of spring I glide down the mountains forming pure water streams bringing life to all the forests around but loosing my own existence as I hear that you are not alright. God I am no stone nor metal, my heart tears apart when she is caught up in pain. I feel I want to hold her in my arms till she falls asleep, till she wakes up well. I would feed her on my own health and support her with the essence of life that runs through my own veins. Oh How I wish I would give my very humanity and my visibility and all my dreams to feel her and touch her just to watch over her night and day as a guarding angel. Her smile will be just enough so please my heart. Why do I feel like that? I have become willing to just die for her to live, to cry for her to smile and suffer for her to enjoy. I don't know who I have become. I am just a song for her lips and poetry for her ears. All I am has become is just for her.

A Story

Been a long hard day, the sound of her cheers me up. She's been going through my mind for days now, non stop thoughts and questions to her and about her but yet a few answers. Time with her seems to slip so quickly and without her the clock doesn't seem to move. She affects time and heart beats the same way. Tabitha, a beautiful deer. An amazing mountain beauty with a wild sea shore with all its calm waves and its raging ones. She's the earth, the island and the moon. I am the heavens, the sea and the sun. Without her I am empty and without me she is nowhere.

Like a long lost coast walker I found her sitting by the parting rock, watching the sea as it rages and splashes around her. I smiled to her but she didn't smile back, talked but she didn't answer. I looked on the sand below that rock which she sat on alone, I found this beautiful locket. A locket of memories. I picked it up. She looked at me. I could see tears in her eyes, then tears filled mine too. Climbed up and sat beside her, on that same old rock on which I sat before. I felt so warm, and so did she. We watched the sun set in the sea slowly disappearing as the stars appeared one by one. We laid down on our backs watching the stars as they shine like diamonds far away. "I don't want to go" I said, She softly replied: "please don't". I smiled, she smiled back. One the same rock that we parted we met again. Waiting for the next dawn together.

My Father

My Father! A word so sweet to say and a love to amazing to miss. Father it has been ages and years of my life that I haven't felt that way and I can't recall when was the last time or if I ever felt this way. With You I seek nothing and in Your arms I desire nothing else. Once You were a King to me a Ruler and a Master and yes, You are but knowing that You are my Father tops them all. For Your love is more than amazing and beyond warmth. The sole mention of Your Fatherhood moves my whole existence in Joy beyond my experience. Ah Daddy I missed You so much, So much! It's like I was blind and deaf for years and now I can see and hear! And What a sight I see, what a sound I hear. In You my Father I delight, You and You alone. I love You

A surgeon's sacrifice

How ruthless and solid hearted does the surgeon look as he holds the razor sharp blade in his hand and slowly unzips the skin of a critical condition patient in need of a heart transplant. His cold steel blades and rock-solid nerves, His Patience and stillness view an image of a sadistic monster who has helplessly trapped his victim and have paralyzed it with poison. But as the darkest night turns into dawn slowly and un noticeably this same surgeon seems to take a different image as he takes out his own heart and plants it into the slowly dying body of his dear patient. Bringing in warmth and strength with love beyond looks and care beyond pain. He might not speak again for its the end for him, but for his beloved its a beginning. Planting a message of love in that once was a dying body.

Some say he was a fool, but I say no. He wasn't, He loved till his very end. A love that has never been mentioned in novels nor taught in the books of medicine. He looked terrible in the eyes of the beholder but for the heart of God he was not. He has the heart of the Father.

King of the Castle

The view from these walls is marvelous! I can see the slopes and the fields of the whole providence. I can spot my enemies as they wake up from their sleep with their evil plans of raids and war. But here I stand in my Castle with a heart that never trembles no more. I have built up the wholes and fortified the weakest links. My towers are the pride of my people and my gates their refuge. Peace be to the dwellers of my lands and mercy to all who seek relief. The day I ascended to the throne is a milestone and a memoir to be remembered. Peace and Grace for all. Last Night its a night to remember and a sight for soar eyes. All the castle in joy and laughter, tears and songs. I am back. I never knew how good it feels to be home among my faithful warriors and my beloved family of friends, brothers of blood and steel. I myself have been a refugee for years now. I played the fool, the vulgar, the nomad, the savage and the freak but now I am back to my place.. The king. The king of the castle of reality.

Peace Lift

The Sea Mattress of Peace, Where waves cuddle you around taking you where you never imagined from the dawn of the sun till the rise of the moon. The wonderful floating mattress of peace can lift you up higher than the clouds and even out of the rule of gravity into the depth of space. Where loneliness is no issue and pain is of no significance. Viewing the beauty of creation from God's point of view, Trusting His heart and Who He is. All I have to do is just trust, relax and watch Then Joy comes in forever dwells in me. Thank You Lord, for You.

Exposition of the Knight

The more you stand before the light, the more stains that appear to the surface. The higher the light, the darker the shadows become.
Today I stood in the high intense light and I saw myself before the Lord. I wasn't a pretty sight to look upon. Like a knight driven by his horse I was. My emotions have led me through the wrong turns, Hurting itself, me and most of all an innocent lady. It's all my fault. Now I have taken this wild horse by force driving it back on track. But first I have to clear out the mess I have left behind. Emotions are like a razor sharp sword that can cut in both directions, I was a fool to mess with it for I haven't just hurt myself but her also. If it was for me I wouldn't have cared, but its her who I care of. She didn't deserve all that and I never meant it too. I don't blame myself more than I should, I will be fair with myself. One hand doesn't clap. But my hand I will reform for it is my responsibility.
Starting from today my unfaithful, uncaring and selfish horse, you shall be in bonds completely controlled in power and force till you learn to be disciplined completely following my will and desire. From this moment your reign over me ends and my rule over you starts. From this day on, you shall not hurt, kick or bite innocent people like the fair lady you have dragged into the thorns of your wild fake heavens. From this moment on I shall cut your wicked tongue and cripple your crewel feet. A crawling obedient harmless horse is better than a wild hurting healthy one. From this very moment on, my mind shall over rule my emotions.

Time stop

I have marched in battles and never returned. I have swam in the oceans but never touched the shore. I have sailed the skies but never landed. Mined but never surfaced. Climbed but never reached. Ran but never finished.. I am still here.

The lonely coast of patience

At the edge of the great deserts lies the shore of the endless waters, There I stood alone again after a long trip chasing the mirage of a timeless warmness and endless refuge. The desert is so dangerous, you could spend all your time and effort pursuing mirages and daydreams of the green. I stood in the middle of the blue and white clouds as they clashed together with all the coldness and warmth they carried, then rain fell right on me. I looked through I saw the moon veiled by the layers of the clashing clouds. I wanted it so bad that I wished I would be a soul un felt and un desired just to be in this moment for life and after-life, for the second and eternity for now and forever. I felt I touched it but I didn't, I was not thinking straight, My senses tricked me, though the signs were real. I could swear they were real. Later on I realized I was sun-struck. I can't tell if I am alive or no. Sometimes I doubt that I am real, maybe I am a dream. Maybe I am a spirit or an angel. Or maybe I am a devil and a trap. Whatever I am I touched the moon, but it was so cold, dead as it rolls by drifting through the dark purple skies of the wild desert. Its light dazzled me for so long that I couldn't sleep of its beauty but it wasn't real. It was just a reflection of the sun. Just like memories, sweet but they are no longer real to be lived and felt. Those darn memories that choked the life out of the desert and hope out of me. Now I go back to where I started, the lonely coast of patience.

Come

Do you know what I dream to do with you? I want to take you for a long long ride along the sands of my time and the deserts it has left behind. Let me take you to my favorite place, my hideout. Let me show you the place I grew up at and all the memories of childhood. Let me take you to the place I worked at with all the suffering and laughter I had there. Lets go where I love the sunset and moon. Lets go where I hate myself and where I love life, lets go into the dark and the light, the bad and the bright, into sorrows and delight. Come, don't be late for here I wait. Let me take you in, deep within. Put your hand on my heart and feel its beatings. Feel me in pain and in chill. Get into my mind with all its lightening and thunders that never seem to cease. Talk to me more, for your words seem to rob the time away of its effect. You steal my days and my nights. You took all the stars away from my sky, but who cares, I got you.

Parting ways

When Cold solid stainless steel blade cuts through a warm beating heart a silent scream echoes in the realm of love, a funeral walks on in the path of the sun. Parting ways is never easy, not at all.

Doing what's Right

My hope is in the Lord my Savior. For Him I shall wait...
I had to let her go, I had to. Its unacceptable to me to just charm her and make her love me against her will, capturing her by the words my heart utters. I want to be loved not just for saying nice sweet words. I want to be chosen, selected and preferred. Chosen by her free will and her whole heart desire. I did the right thing before My Lord. I couldn't be selfish in that, I had to be wise and to control my passionate heart, though its so hard, beyond every pain I have gone through, To leave someone you have loved with all your heart, To let her go is a killer decision. Like signing your own death sentence or like burying yourself alive, its just like placing yourself as a sacrifice on the alter of love, Bearing the fire and fainting slowly as you give your very last breath of life just to do what's right and what's true love. Love that is not selfish, Love that is strong. Love that is not demanding, Love that is sensitive. Love that is not self centered, conditional but Love that is giving and fulfilling even if it has to give itself up all for the smile of the loved one. Love that dares pay the price till the last drop of blood. Love that faces fears and splits the oceans of loneliness and the clouds of despair. For this I shall not regret. I have done what's good and what's love before the throne of God. The throne of Perfect Love

Waking up

What the hell was I thinking? I did the right thing when I let her go. Would I be happy to hang on false hope? Would I enjoy fake love? Or would it look right if I wasn't loved for who I am? Absolutely no. Besides, I did what was right for her. She will know herself more, her weakness and strength And if its God's will she will know more about me that words would have never told. She may see my wisdom, commitment and pure love. She might see my warmth and my unselfishness. She will see my pure friendship as well as my devoted love. That's if I am the one for her, she will see. But as for me, I will walk on, thanking God for giving me the wisdom and the strength to choose and do what's right and good in love. I thank You God for Your gifts of wisdom and Love. Heal me Lord, Move me step by step for I have no one but You. I am glad I did the right thing, For once in my life I did the right thing. Help me Lord complete what I have started and finish what I have begun. And for now I will sleep with clear conscious and I can rest my aching head in peace and as for my heart, You handle it Lord.

Tonight, Let me Die.

Tonight, My heart splits in half. Tonight I let her go. She didn't know if she loved me for who I am or just what I wrote in my blog. She didn't know if I was the one or just anyone. She didn't know a thing. So I let her go. I disappear from her life for a month. God, I loved her. Parting is very hard, but eventually it happens and we have to endure its fire. This time I will be burnt. I don't believe she will ever be back again. I don't believe she is in love with me. Yes, she was right. She doesn't know me at all. Frankly I don't think there is any reason for her to be attached to me, we got nothing together. We are in different circles that don't intersect. For me, Its over. I am only waiting for a confirmation. God, Take my life. My heart hurts like hell. Twisting and contracting inside of me. End my story Lord, I am gievely sad and gravely aching in heart. May death be of Your mercy to me and may the grave be my resting place for I have loved endlessly but never was loved for who I was. Spare me the pain and the cross O Lord. Quicken my death and make haste to my doom for my heart found no rest and in the coldness it dwelt. Wipe all my memories O God and press down the past into my unconsciousness. Bury down my hopes and cover all my dreams. Drown me in the ocean and let me not see the sun again. Place me in the center of the earth or leave me on a roaming moon. Let not my name be remembered not my memory recalled. Let me be no more, For who am I without Love?

My Dear God,

Lord my God, Through history You have always been there for me. Planning my existence since the ancient creation, Since the first dawn of time. Preserving your plan for me to be. Power of Love and Life. Endless in provision. Awesome in strength. Amazing in understanding and tender in wisdom. I shall not take my life out of your hands now and never, forever. You grab my hand and run, I will keep on running with you over the clouds over the peeks of the mountains. Above the walls I never could have passed You made me leap over! Above the swamps and traps You made me fly! Your hand has never left mine nor Your heart have forsaken me. You called me Beloved, and Yes, I am! When I see you, forgive me if I act like a child and run and leap in your arms infront of all Your kingdom. Forgive me for my sin stained garments and my foolish weary appearance. Your open arms pay my ransom and Your bleeding wounds wash me clean. You made it perfect for me to get back to you. Father I love you, Forgive me if I don't see You and treat You as a Kind though you are the King of Kings. All I see about you is just a heart. For Love You Are. From the ancient times, now and forever You will be. I will rest my head, Close my eyes in peace. I know You look over me and watch over my life that everything that happens will be for good. For you are a good God. All I will do is just Dance and dance before you. Dance all my life through, For You have turned my mourning into dancing and my weeping into songs. Amazing Love shine all around me light my nights and brighten my days, separate the gathering of clouds and the rhythm of the rains bring Your rays through. Bring on that blue sky of the Heaven of your throne. Fill me up with You, Love. Fill me up and Burst through my heart Shine through. Let me Boost, Be my pride. Your Love, Be me. Melt me in you and dissolve me in the rivers of your sweetness. In You I don't want to be found again. Let me be an ambassador of my loved ones, You wont reject my words for I am so dear to you. I ask you for the one I love and ever did.. Take away all her pain and grant her vision to know and to see her way whatever that might be. It doesn't have to include me, I call for freedom and strength, Healing and health, Success and wealth. I only ask for the good for her. And as for me, Lord You are my prize. Beside u I desire nothing else and I shall ask for none, for You know and You plan for me as you ever did. For you I shall wait and I will never grow weary or tired for I lean on You all through my way. You have blessed me beyond all the treasures of the earth. You have blessed me beyond all the secrets of the universe. You have blessed me greatly, For You have blessed me by Being for me, my exceedingly great reward and my share in life and eternity! Come on Lord lets dance till dawn breaks the silence and till eternity splits time! Forever and ever and ever. I love You.

Collision

Something struck me, Robbed me, Stole a lot from me. Something happened I don't understand. Blew me off my feet. Nights are dark, Morning sun seems that it doesn't shine. Moon drifts away. Stars shine no more. I look for planets but I don't see any, I search for the North but I cannot find. Facing a wall, I will not back off. Infront of that wild beast I shall not retreat. Will the end come soon? Make haste then. Will it come later on? Take your time. Whatever happens will be and none shall stop. Whatever is in my way I will meet. Oh messengers of peace bring me news, make a run for it. Time burns as the clock turns and all that the red coal leave is ashes. Make haste if you bear me a message and bring me life. Or death. Make haste, I long for my Destiny and Fate, But leave me not in wait. O Winds of the earth shall you speak to me the secrets I long to hear, will you speak the words of wisdom or the songs of vanity? Whatever you have make haste, Bring it on. Do not wait. O Fires of the ancient volcano do you envy mine? Do you envy my flames? My raging Mind and my twisting heart? O Thunders of the heavens are you louder than my silent passion? Or brighter than my desire? Or more powerful than my will? O armies of the earth are you mightier than my heart and stronger than the marks I leave? Come on you waves of the sea, lift me up and drop me down. I shall be silent. Come on all of you, seasons. Bring on your heat and coldness, gatherings and partings. Shall I speak? Ah you earth, keep on rolling on and on who shall stop you? For Heaven and Hell have clashed over right through my heart.

The Missing

To miss you the second that you are gone, To long for you the moment you left. How I wish I could hold you longer, how I wish I could just not let you go, how I wish you could be mine. Forever. To put off the fire that burns me, and those waves that drown me, to bring breath to my chest and pulse to my heart. I wish I could split in two. One of me would just make you love me and the other would just enjoy your love. One of me would just suffer to bring you to me and the other would welcome you. But I can't, I am no angel nor spirit. I am just a man, incurably in love with you.

Beautiful Star

Let it be tonight, bring them all! Your fears, emotions, accusations and doubts. For God's sake if you fill them up in a cup for me I will drink it and ask for more. Let it be tonight, bring all your enemies of your lands and the beasts of your wilderness and I will make them no more. Let it be tonight, when I rip my hear out and place it a sacrifice on the alter of love. Let it be tonight.

God, I missed her like the fires of the core of the earth and the flames of the sun. Like something has been missing from my very existence. Since the dawn of my creation.
Spill down the seas God over my flaming hear to put out the fire in me, but I know now why You didn't. You had something else in plan. Beyond my knowledge of time, beyond my expectations. You brought me back what I thought I would never find. My beautiful star.

Beautiful star, glittering along that dark blue skies. Sending your rays along the shores and sand, bringing beady to the land. O how beautiful you are. I would stand on the tip of a mountain to touch you. I would climb its snowy peeks and its icy rocks just to see you. Hopefully touch you. I would reach out and strech as much as I can, risk the down fall and the break. Risk my time and life. Anything that I takes. Even if it takes me. Beautiful Star, you turned the night of my loneliness to the morning of the great feast. You brought music to my ears and dancing to my body. I shall rejoice over you tonight for I have found you at last.

Dilemma of the Triad

The memories of nothing. The visions of no one. The nights of insomnia. The days of daydreams. You leave me a present, a gift. Then you go and leave no trace. The winds blow your footsteps off record and the sun covers your destiny in mirage. I have seen a lot and known too much. I heard it all and yet I don't believe it. You who you call yourself "Life" have no life in yourself. You who call yourself "Hope" left me no hope at all. You who call yourself "Light" left me in the dark. Am I the center of the universe that all of you should just show up then go? Am I the sun? Or a star? But you have chosen to spend your lives like nomads, like comets, like dreams. Took away my body and left me as Love. Took away my desires and left me a soul. You have been the swords that God used to cut me with. The knives to run me through. Your purpose was blood, and you got what you came for. But I will look to the west. To the ports of the ocean. I start a trip with the memories of nothing, the visions of no one, the sleepless nights and the daydreams of consciousness.

The Love of the Sun

Love: 1Corinthians 13 from the Bible

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
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Should I close my eyes and dream? Should I watch the clouds and imagine? I am in love with Love Itself. I wish I could visit your horizon you lonely plant. You, lost moon. Floating. You, Amazing comet drifting away in the space of dreams and loneliness. How I wish could shine on you, bring warmth to your land and life to your ground. Send my rays down your caves, melt your ice poles into oceans, seas, rivers and clouds. Bring rains to your deserts and dew to your wilderness. Send a cool breeze to your trees and heat to your stones. Shall I cause volcanoes to rise and earthquakes to shake your very existence and wake you up from your long lonely sleep. Should I take away your foundations and cause you to lean and dance..

But, your orbit is not in my sight. Your ways are incomprehensible. Your language is so strange to my ears as you speak like the drunk who laughs and crys and never knows why, never knows his own heart. Light years from now I wont be there for you. The warmth of my rays will not be there anymore, my light wont shine no more, and my orbit will not be seen to you anymore. Then I will be sought but never found. Followed but never reached. My journey has begun and will go on. One morning I will shine again on some shore, but I am sure its not going to be the one I have chosen.

In Love I will create and destroy, Cry and enjoy, live and die. I don't deny who I am or what I can do. I wont play lowly and say "maybe". I am a sun. Boiling with Fire and exploding with flames, Restless and wild. Untamed and uncontrollable. Though dangerous to get close to, impossible to live without. Whoever gets caught up in my orbit will never leave. A center and a source. Giving and fulfilling. And most of all .. Loving.