Awaited to be..

The dawn I have waited for after that long lonely dark night, touched my cold dry skin. The life I missed when I was in the bottom of the sea of parting, created a new breath in the quietness of my despair. All that I closed my eyes desperate for, have came back and brought me Hope. I was black and now I am white, I was in the dark but now I am in the light. Yesterday was to me the end of the fight, today; Love shines bright. Let today be forever, let us enjoy this endeavor. To be together: One. Bonded in powerful ribbons of love, defying the tests of time and the thorns of fear. Be my heart and soul, and I will be your shell and strength. Be my life and blood in my veins, and I will be your body and your being. Be me, for eternity. Be the light for me to see, my Hope and ecstasy. Be who you were to be.. Fill that space in me.

Pain, The Pain

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

Pain No

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

The Struggle

For days, long nights, weeks and months I lived on a dream to be loved by her. With all my imagination, fantasies, facts and long hard trials I have seeked her. In every bit of flesh in me, in every drop of blood I have longed for her. And now at the cliff of parting I have to stand. Deep inside there is a global war! All that is ME still wants her and all that I know says it will never happen. Armies of raging heart beats tears my existence with razor blade memories of her whom I once loved. Brigades of rational thoughts batter my mind with reasons and wisdom that pushes a spear into my being and letting it through. By Heaven and Hell, By Life and Death I have loved her. But look at me now, I have become so transparent, so thin, fragile and worn out. If I can make a deal with God to shorten my days for only one sentence to hear from her saying " I love you", I would sign it right away. If I can give up all my future for her to be with me, I wouldn't hesitate. Love that once made me be, now is killing me. Love that brought me once sunshine, now is bringing a storm. I thought she wanted me, thought she really needed me. I guess it was all in my head. I dreamt that she would grab hold of me and never let me go, dreamt she would walk over everything just to be with me. I was wrong. She walked over my heart, and held firm to everything else but me. I have given my heart to an image in my mind, I acted all the way as if I was blind. How far do I have to go to get her out of my heart? Shall I go to the ends of the earth or would that be too close? Shall the edge of sanity bring me relief? Would I spend my whole life trying? Maybe my rest is not in life, Would I forget her in the afterlife? I don't want to cry in heaven, for eternity my tears will flow like rivers that will spread the rain on earth till God make me new again in His love; till God wipes those tears dry and mend that broken heart of mine. I wish I could hate her whom I once loved; I can't and I can never do. In this whole war that is inside, there is only one who will loose.. And its me.

What's impossible?

Will she ever understand? Will she ever know? Will she ever realize what is possible and what's impossible? Will she ever get to this place of knowledge to find the truth? Will she ever be convinced? My hands are tied, my mouth is sewed shut, my eyes are blind folded and my legs are crippled. How can I express what I can't put in words. How can I even write down what I haven't any words to express? The pain, the anger, the missing, the love and the rage I feel; are like a drop in the ocean of wild contrasting emotions in the inverted sky of my being. Never break a man's heart. I am not me anymore, and all I have is myself. I took the risk and placed my heart in her hands but she couldn't handle it. My heart is fire, lit by the flames of the sun. It could either made her warm, protected her like a wall around her and gave her light or just burnt her in its flames. She couldn't take my passion and affection, couldn't take my devotion and preferred my distance and parting. Instead of my hug, she wanted just a photograph; instead of my kiss she preferred an email; instead of my love she wanted friendship. I got nothing to blame her, I just want to be alone, away from her; to be somewhere calm so that I can heal and try to put off the fire of love that has burnt my heart, to forget that Image of her who I once loved, to put off the hope I once lived and the light that once made me smile. But will she understand? Will she ever know? Will she realize what is impossible for me to do?

O heart of mine

Driving along the sleepless streets of Cairo, I took the long way home. Didn't want to go home anyway, guess I was just keeping myself busy: or maybe just trying to run away from myself. Mind was like a restless top, kept whirling around thinking; trying to put the pieces of this life puzzle together. Heart was not feeling well, caught up in denial of its actual status; helplessly trying to fill the empty space inside. I pictured an empty room as I was driving, it was so real that all that I actually saw seemed like a background movie. It was so empty and grey, as if no one lived there; but I did, I was just invisible and maybe I was grey as well. Someone took out the salt out of food, color out of nature and warmth out of me. Someone brought sunset so quickly that I couldn't enjoy the sunrise. Someone who was right here in this room, now left me with memories, hope and emptiness. Stupid I am! I should watch where I am driving. The night was so dark, the moon was pretty. Who knows what the day will bring? Ah my heart just shivered bitterly, poor thing I wouldn't mind if you stop and I wouldn't blame you if you failed me. O heart of mine, wish I could put you to rest, wish I had answers for you; wish I could tell you where your love has gone: all I can say is hang in there if you can, but if you can't I can never blame you. O heart of mine, you have met a lot of blades than men of war had, you have hurt deeper that sacrifices felt, you have flooded the dry lands with tears more than the clouds of the time of Noah did. Where is your love? Where is your life? How long can you hang on? How much can you bear?

I felt my heart answer, not in words but in beats.. Soft steady beats, like the soft waves of a tranquil sea. Very soft I couldn't feel them, like the fading sunset and the fainting scents. I wish you could talk to me as I do to you O heart of mine. Forgive me for I never knew how sensitive you are.. You can go, and leave my chest if you want to. You can stop and bring us to rest. You can even get angry at me if you want to. O heart of mine, I wish you were not mine and I guess you wish the same way too.

Thoughts Devoured

My heart hurts me and I don't know why. Been sailing this raging sea for so long, lost a lot; can't deny. Mountains of tranquility call my mind to dream of their outstanding serenity and amazing solidity. Waves of confusion and irrationability blows the sails of my mind into unwanted currents that drift me off course. Sailing this sea has never been easy anyone.. And definitely not for me.

thoughts boil in my heart evaporates visions of those mountains, but my senses blow away this wonderful vapor and exhales out facts and diminishes all those outstanding fantasies. Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper...
Will this game ever settle a score? Or will a mad man's wish go unfulfilled till his days go wasted away? Rock - Scissors - Paper, Will you ever make peace? Will I know the answer laying the fleece? Mindless heaven and meaningless haven is the no answer relief. Short term peace it is, one day flower, sunrise in a storm and a shooting star light. But me no settle for fake diamonds nor sign nominal treaties, for me seek truth however bitter cup it might pour in, whatever it may take and however it has to be.

Time, I wish it was only a matter of time. Ticks have kept me awake at night, counting them but never reaching a stop nor even knowing where I started. Man's days are numbered by watches & clocks. So strange how the smallest lifeless thing can carry so much wisdom and a messages to deliver. Mind is sick, so sick wants to go to make chaos and destroy sanity.

.. I should get some sleep.

The Mastery of Vanity

The dark black infection to the mind of the merry is like a wing swing of a bee. Yellows and blacks contrast inside the soul of the poisoned tearing his solidity and darkening his space. None of understanding might comprehend but he of sense might know the riddle of the demanding pressure of affection. To foretell might be easier and to predict is smoother than the realization of the truth between the muscle folds of the beating heart. The yet unfashionable words of understanding are the words of passion and the undesired meanings are those of unity. This ungrateful rock spins around its demise in the orbit of vanity. The faces made resemblance to the ground where their roots have held firm. Fruits of tar bring no pleasure and leaves of abandonment leave no color signature. Dark blacks and dull yellows cover the whole with the sinful poison of loneliness and abomination of self pity. Shall it be told? Or have it been foretold? I doubt.

Frown Clown

I walked through those curtains, into the lights. People cheered, children giggled. My charisma was enough to make the crowd go wild for without a word I could make them bounce on their chairs. Everything about me is unique, my clothes, hat and shoes even my make up and my red round nose. I do all sorts of crazy haircuts. Who cares? I am only good for a smile and my memory only lasts for a while. When the lights go down and the curtain falls I go back home. After I have been surrounded by hundreds, now I am all alone.

A Dream, Die or Live

I hesitated much before I started writing, Didn't know where to start so I thought why wouldn't I start casually with my hesitation. It's alright, I guess all people have these moments. I don't really know what to mention first, my dreams? Or my complaints? No, maybe my feelings. You know what I dream of Father? Like, have You watched me when I daydream once? I bet You might laugh at me, maybe You feel sorry for how small and selfish they are. You know, You are God. I guess everything will look small to You. But I know that since You created me so small that means that You would definitely care about my small issues. Ah, It's a good relief I guess I can start talking now!

I dream to have a "life", A place to be and exist. A thing to do. A purpose and a target. Father, I don't know if that's ok but sometimes I feel so lost in this life. Its all like a dark room to me. I am in but I don't seem to find the window to bring in the light. I follow You, I guess I do. I try hard to listen and to do but Father I seem to end up in a dead end street. All I find before me is a wall! Should I jump? Or turn back? Can I break through it? Did I read the map right? Is my compass heading North? Sometimes I wonder Father, Where did it go wrong? You know, I did my best, tried hard, followed and followed and followed. You say sit I sit, stand, I stand. Jump up and down I do. I still wonder why is it still dark in this room?

I wish I open up my eyes every morning to see the sunshine from my bed in this nice house on a calm neighborhood. Wake up with the one I love, Take a walk in the nice fresh air with my wife, dog and my 7 ears old child. Laughing and joking together, saluting nice neighbors as we pass by. Later on drive to work where I really am who I am doing what I was meant to do the way I should with a friendly professional environment. Achievement, success and commitment. Then Later on through the day maybe it would be my turn to pick up my child from school. Going home to my wife, who might have come right away from her work. A little chat and a kiss. Fixing food together, having some fun with my clumsiness au cuisine. Ah the dog needs some to eat. Grab a bone! Here's your dog food! A calm evening watching a movie, maybe going out having dinner, going to the movies or inviting a friend. Then a warm night with my love in my arms sleeping peacefully and our lovely child sleeping like the angels.

Father? Are dreams meant to be fulfilled? Or just ignored? Where does they come from? You? Or who? Is is ok for me to dream? Will that be alright with You? Will dreams break my heart? Or will they bring me hope? My mind is so messed up Father, I don't really know what to think. I am afraid to hold on to my dreams, and also afraid to loose them. I wish, I dream, I imagine and I don't know. I don't know a thing. I took a shower, put my head under the warm water rush, mind so stiff, heart so heavy. Sometimes I feel afraid to mess up that I don't really try or make a choice. Afraid of You Father. Afraid to mess things up, Go off plan, Make a critical decision that would turn me into Judas or Saul! I sometimes feel I am walking the wire. I am dead scared of falling, terrified of failing. I want to be perfect But I simply CAN'T! Maybe it shouldn't be that way, Maybe I am putting very high standards for following You, Standards that You haven't put for me. Father, I know only one thing. Remember the Night You talked to me, You said: " I will never leave you ". Those words keep me going, till this very moment. At least I have the assurance that You won't leave me.

Open my eyes Father so I can know and see, You not my picture of You. I want to see Your Face as IS, Not as I picture You. End my quest, my wonder and darkness. Show me what I have never seen or heard or known. That Was and Is and Will be. Who Are You? Bless me to know Who You really Are.

Soul mate of eternity

Would life mean a thing without you? Would all the earth be of any worth when you are away? All of my days I have waited for you, since my creation I missed you for you have been taken away from me by the hands of God as He left me with the desire and the clue to find you, with a sure promise too. O Heart of my heart and soul of my soul your pain is a torture to my own presence and your sadness is a spear driven through my liver. I would place my very own self on that alter of pain instead of you, I would even die in your place. I would do anything to keep you from pain. Let me hold you close, hide you in my arms, keep you warm in the middle of snow storm and well in the middle of the night. Let me touch you and heal you, lead you to the shores of sunshine and into the gardens of hope. You who your name always brought me hope seems to thirst for it, and though you are my promise of it, it's my turn to be that hope for you. I wish you would just lean on me, for I would carry you. Trust me for I will protect you. My fairly adored love and my greatly cherished soul mate. I would kiss your lips and give you my very own spirit and health and take away all your pain and faint. Let me be for you with all my strength, let me be around you for all my life. Wonder not if I say that I loved you even more than I loved my very own self. Doubt not at my devotion to you. If I live forever I would never find anyone like you.. So tonight let me die for you, my beloved soul mate.