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I know I might be wrong about a lot of things in my life, I know I have stepped on so many toes, I know sometimes I hurt. Never meant her no pain, no hurt. I might be a little clumsy, a little voluntary, a little strange but deep in me is a very sensitive heart. I know I am a bit stubborn, a bit tracked but I am always open minded and wanting to learn and eager to change to the better version of me.
I know I am not perfect, but what would Jesus choose to tell the judges to do about me? Will He tell them to do justice and stone me until I am buried under that pile of condemnations? ..I would stand speechless though for I believe. I believe that Jesus really understands and though my heart fades away a beat, though my mind grows weary, though my being feels hollow. Sometimes I don't know what to write, what to say or how to express. Don't know where to start. I am only learning how to dance but it seems like I got no chance. I would just need her words to tell me how, make me understand where my foot steps go with the rhythm, how my hands and shoulders should move with the tune. I have been trying to guess my way all around, its been so dark for me to see, I needed all the hints and help I could get but I seem to keep crashing in the wall again and again while all I needed was those little tips to guide my way. But it seems like I don't know what. I don't really know where to go, who would tell me. Who would really show me how to move with her and feel her, who would make me feel her own heart deep inside. If her lips wouldn't open to reveal her feelings and disappointments, I will stay be moving in the dark.
God I feel so bad, I don't know what to do. I don't know anything and I just keep missing her and worst of all is that I know she is hurting and I don't want her to hurt and I still don't know what to do. I am so confused, don't know what to think. Not even sure if she ever read my words that she would get me right and not even be more hurt. I am scared. Don't want to hurt her no more, her reaction makes me freak out of myself. Sometimes I ask myself what have I done and keep looking at the mirror trying to see the monster on the other side. Am I so horrible? Am I so scary? Hurting and so evil as I feel about myself right now? I pray you Father, If the answer is "yes" to those questions that You would protect her from me, even if the story would end with a spear that would go through my heart. God, You know. You know that I love her from all my heart, like I have never felt love before. I wish..................