A Dream, Die or Live

I hesitated much before I started writing, Didn't know where to start so I thought why wouldn't I start casually with my hesitation. It's alright, I guess all people have these moments. I don't really know what to mention first, my dreams? Or my complaints? No, maybe my feelings. You know what I dream of Father? Like, have You watched me when I daydream once? I bet You might laugh at me, maybe You feel sorry for how small and selfish they are. You know, You are God. I guess everything will look small to You. But I know that since You created me so small that means that You would definitely care about my small issues. Ah, It's a good relief I guess I can start talking now!

I dream to have a "life", A place to be and exist. A thing to do. A purpose and a target. Father, I don't know if that's ok but sometimes I feel so lost in this life. Its all like a dark room to me. I am in but I don't seem to find the window to bring in the light. I follow You, I guess I do. I try hard to listen and to do but Father I seem to end up in a dead end street. All I find before me is a wall! Should I jump? Or turn back? Can I break through it? Did I read the map right? Is my compass heading North? Sometimes I wonder Father, Where did it go wrong? You know, I did my best, tried hard, followed and followed and followed. You say sit I sit, stand, I stand. Jump up and down I do. I still wonder why is it still dark in this room?

I wish I open up my eyes every morning to see the sunshine from my bed in this nice house on a calm neighborhood. Wake up with the one I love, Take a walk in the nice fresh air with my wife, dog and my 7 ears old child. Laughing and joking together, saluting nice neighbors as we pass by. Later on drive to work where I really am who I am doing what I was meant to do the way I should with a friendly professional environment. Achievement, success and commitment. Then Later on through the day maybe it would be my turn to pick up my child from school. Going home to my wife, who might have come right away from her work. A little chat and a kiss. Fixing food together, having some fun with my clumsiness au cuisine. Ah the dog needs some to eat. Grab a bone! Here's your dog food! A calm evening watching a movie, maybe going out having dinner, going to the movies or inviting a friend. Then a warm night with my love in my arms sleeping peacefully and our lovely child sleeping like the angels.

Father? Are dreams meant to be fulfilled? Or just ignored? Where does they come from? You? Or who? Is is ok for me to dream? Will that be alright with You? Will dreams break my heart? Or will they bring me hope? My mind is so messed up Father, I don't really know what to think. I am afraid to hold on to my dreams, and also afraid to loose them. I wish, I dream, I imagine and I don't know. I don't know a thing. I took a shower, put my head under the warm water rush, mind so stiff, heart so heavy. Sometimes I feel afraid to mess up that I don't really try or make a choice. Afraid of You Father. Afraid to mess things up, Go off plan, Make a critical decision that would turn me into Judas or Saul! I sometimes feel I am walking the wire. I am dead scared of falling, terrified of failing. I want to be perfect But I simply CAN'T! Maybe it shouldn't be that way, Maybe I am putting very high standards for following You, Standards that You haven't put for me. Father, I know only one thing. Remember the Night You talked to me, You said: " I will never leave you ". Those words keep me going, till this very moment. At least I have the assurance that You won't leave me.

Open my eyes Father so I can know and see, You not my picture of You. I want to see Your Face as IS, Not as I picture You. End my quest, my wonder and darkness. Show me what I have never seen or heard or known. That Was and Is and Will be. Who Are You? Bless me to know Who You really Are.