The Struggle

For days, long nights, weeks and months I lived on a dream to be loved by her. With all my imagination, fantasies, facts and long hard trials I have seeked her. In every bit of flesh in me, in every drop of blood I have longed for her. And now at the cliff of parting I have to stand. Deep inside there is a global war! All that is ME still wants her and all that I know says it will never happen. Armies of raging heart beats tears my existence with razor blade memories of her whom I once loved. Brigades of rational thoughts batter my mind with reasons and wisdom that pushes a spear into my being and letting it through. By Heaven and Hell, By Life and Death I have loved her. But look at me now, I have become so transparent, so thin, fragile and worn out. If I can make a deal with God to shorten my days for only one sentence to hear from her saying " I love you", I would sign it right away. If I can give up all my future for her to be with me, I wouldn't hesitate. Love that once made me be, now is killing me. Love that brought me once sunshine, now is bringing a storm. I thought she wanted me, thought she really needed me. I guess it was all in my head. I dreamt that she would grab hold of me and never let me go, dreamt she would walk over everything just to be with me. I was wrong. She walked over my heart, and held firm to everything else but me. I have given my heart to an image in my mind, I acted all the way as if I was blind. How far do I have to go to get her out of my heart? Shall I go to the ends of the earth or would that be too close? Shall the edge of sanity bring me relief? Would I spend my whole life trying? Maybe my rest is not in life, Would I forget her in the afterlife? I don't want to cry in heaven, for eternity my tears will flow like rivers that will spread the rain on earth till God make me new again in His love; till God wipes those tears dry and mend that broken heart of mine. I wish I could hate her whom I once loved; I can't and I can never do. In this whole war that is inside, there is only one who will loose.. And its me.