Final Curtains

That scene ended in goodbyes. It's still hard to remember that moment, letting go was never easy; specially for me. Been more like a week now, cleaning up the mess in me, putting things in place, speaking up my mind and feelings. I never saw that coming, I thought we were getting closer but I guess I was wrong, we were just heading to a crossroads and the time was set for us to go each to our separate ways. Hmh, I guess I have objected long enough, fought, wrestled, talked and tried all my energy out but no regrets and no hard feelings. Now my battle is not to build, not to reach out anymore, but to restrain my horse and get it to submission to ride on again and to head after my destiny. I wonder why I write, I guess I got used to. I only feel free when I write, for absolutely no one can ever listen to my words for my feelings are so intense that they melt the lead shields of the solid rock hearts of the ones who listen. I know I am Hell and a Furnace, I know I am a rock and a rolling burden, but I know that I am here on this earth.. For now. Maybe that's why I prefer to write, so I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of pulling a soul into depression. But You God are not like any nor like all, You bear me and understand. Only You can deal with my tormented nature, for this I still smile. I have You.

Eyes of the blind

O eyes of mine, you have been open wide, for such a long time. You seek to see but nothing came to be. You had your dreams, you had your doubts. You have seeked the vision in the wandering clouds. Time ticks arround as you stay bound, leaving behind its boring sound. And as it goes by, and as your chances fly. You face the dark, you can't deny. But one day it will be known to your mind, when the sun is up, You are not blind.

Unknown, Banished & Forgotten

You have been there all the time, down under, far away from recognition and definitely so far from all sorts of appreciation. Cars roll past by you and streams of light flicker across. Seasons came and past by, years, months and days. You sat there watching time as lines carved signatures in your face. They have laid you down low even that your screams are not even heard. You keep your tears to yourself, and you fold on your bleeding wounds. Many have known you but none really cared. Have you waited for a savior? Or dreamt of a lover? None came to claim, none could stand still, none could take the test. All has failed you. You spill your diamonds at the feet of your dreams & your gold before your saviors. They walk over it and pass by. No language to tell or make that deaf zone brighten up into voices of music and poetry. Who understands you? Will anyone ever do? You have spread your arms and spoke the words out loud: " I am the prize, whoever gets me gets everything " but none understood. You, I know you. Since our first days on earth, since even before we were born. Yes, I know you. You have drained me out of my power and walls, you wanted to open up but I wanted to close. Now look at us now, what have we become? What have I done? Where have you gone now?
And though you are the heart and I am the mind.. I guess that both of us are blind!

Can't find a title

I know I might be wrong about a lot of things in my life, I know I have stepped on so many toes, I know sometimes I hurt. Never meant her no pain, no hurt. I might be a little clumsy, a little voluntary, a little strange but deep in me is a very sensitive heart. I know I am a bit stubborn, a bit tracked but I am always open minded and wanting to learn and eager to change to the better version of me.
I know I am not perfect, but what would Jesus choose to tell the judges to do about me? Will He tell them to do justice and stone me until I am buried under that pile of condemnations? ..I would stand speechless though for I believe. I believe that Jesus really understands and though my heart fades away a beat, though my mind grows weary, though my being feels hollow. Sometimes I don't know what to write, what to say or how to express. Don't know where to start. I am only learning how to dance but it seems like I got no chance. I would just need her words to tell me how, make me understand where my foot steps go with the rhythm, how my hands and shoulders should move with the tune. I have been trying to guess my way all around, its been so dark for me to see, I needed all the hints and help I could get but I seem to keep crashing in the wall again and again while all I needed was those little tips to guide my way. But it seems like I don't know what. I don't really know where to go, who would tell me. Who would really show me how to move with her and feel her, who would make me feel her own heart deep inside. If her lips wouldn't open to reveal her feelings and disappointments, I will stay be moving in the dark.
God I feel so bad, I don't know what to do. I don't know anything and I just keep missing her and worst of all is that I know she is hurting and I don't want her to hurt and I still don't know what to do. I am so confused, don't know what to think. Not even sure if she ever read my words that she would get me right and not even be more hurt. I am scared. Don't want to hurt her no more, her reaction makes me freak out of myself. Sometimes I ask myself what have I done and keep looking at the mirror trying to see the monster on the other side. Am I so horrible? Am I so scary? Hurting and so evil as I feel about myself right now? I pray you Father, If the answer is "yes" to those questions that You would protect her from me, even if the story would end with a spear that would go through my heart. God, You know. You know that I love her from all my heart, like I have never felt love before. I wish..................

Among the crowd..

Among the crowd, I pushed my way through the rush hours of day. Hopeless maybe, alone for sure. I made it that far on my own and I think I did fine. A load of thougts were on my mind as I opened that door; Yes, that door. The door that took me to a different world and a different face. From that moment on I knew that my destiny has dramatically changed, My future was no more mine & my heart was not inbetween my ribs. That moment I saw her. Yes, she was as beautiful as an angel and Yes, she stole my heart as a devil. She is unexplainable, uncomprehedible but yet so wonderful. I got no words, I would just lie underneath the stars and wonder. A lot of things don't really matter to me, What is mine now is a thing of the past. All my life became just a moment in time, everything stood still in me; now all that I want is to love her with all my being, in every bit of my existence, till the end of time.

Awaited to be..

The dawn I have waited for after that long lonely dark night, touched my cold dry skin. The life I missed when I was in the bottom of the sea of parting, created a new breath in the quietness of my despair. All that I closed my eyes desperate for, have came back and brought me Hope. I was black and now I am white, I was in the dark but now I am in the light. Yesterday was to me the end of the fight, today; Love shines bright. Let today be forever, let us enjoy this endeavor. To be together: One. Bonded in powerful ribbons of love, defying the tests of time and the thorns of fear. Be my heart and soul, and I will be your shell and strength. Be my life and blood in my veins, and I will be your body and your being. Be me, for eternity. Be the light for me to see, my Hope and ecstasy. Be who you were to be.. Fill that space in me.

Pain, The Pain

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

Pain No

No more words to say, no more tears to cry, no more worries, pain or regrets. I keep staring at the air, lost everywhere. Pain has taken my smiles away and left me in nowhere. I go out with friends, but I never there; I smile but I am never happy; laugh but never pleased. I wear a mask that hides a lot of sorrow deep inside. They call me to go out and have some fun, I go but I stay inside with what I have. My burden is only for me to bear, The road and the risk I have taken falls on to me. I, who am I? What have I become? I am just some written words left for the pages of time to fold. A story untold of me who was once warm, and now is cold. Time stops here, this moment traps me for a while, will this be for long? I should give myself a break, Maybe let myself be the way I am for a while till I am ready for a change, till I am ripe with my bitter fruit and ready to be picked. There is nothing wrong with what I feel, I know it will go away, with the memories and their pain. That thorn than pushes into my heart and bleeds will find rest in me, I will get used to it and contain it. It only hurts for now. An old man once told me "Pain starts Big and bit by bit it shrinks down to size" I guess he's right. I hope he is.

The Struggle

For days, long nights, weeks and months I lived on a dream to be loved by her. With all my imagination, fantasies, facts and long hard trials I have seeked her. In every bit of flesh in me, in every drop of blood I have longed for her. And now at the cliff of parting I have to stand. Deep inside there is a global war! All that is ME still wants her and all that I know says it will never happen. Armies of raging heart beats tears my existence with razor blade memories of her whom I once loved. Brigades of rational thoughts batter my mind with reasons and wisdom that pushes a spear into my being and letting it through. By Heaven and Hell, By Life and Death I have loved her. But look at me now, I have become so transparent, so thin, fragile and worn out. If I can make a deal with God to shorten my days for only one sentence to hear from her saying " I love you", I would sign it right away. If I can give up all my future for her to be with me, I wouldn't hesitate. Love that once made me be, now is killing me. Love that brought me once sunshine, now is bringing a storm. I thought she wanted me, thought she really needed me. I guess it was all in my head. I dreamt that she would grab hold of me and never let me go, dreamt she would walk over everything just to be with me. I was wrong. She walked over my heart, and held firm to everything else but me. I have given my heart to an image in my mind, I acted all the way as if I was blind. How far do I have to go to get her out of my heart? Shall I go to the ends of the earth or would that be too close? Shall the edge of sanity bring me relief? Would I spend my whole life trying? Maybe my rest is not in life, Would I forget her in the afterlife? I don't want to cry in heaven, for eternity my tears will flow like rivers that will spread the rain on earth till God make me new again in His love; till God wipes those tears dry and mend that broken heart of mine. I wish I could hate her whom I once loved; I can't and I can never do. In this whole war that is inside, there is only one who will loose.. And its me.

What's impossible?

Will she ever understand? Will she ever know? Will she ever realize what is possible and what's impossible? Will she ever get to this place of knowledge to find the truth? Will she ever be convinced? My hands are tied, my mouth is sewed shut, my eyes are blind folded and my legs are crippled. How can I express what I can't put in words. How can I even write down what I haven't any words to express? The pain, the anger, the missing, the love and the rage I feel; are like a drop in the ocean of wild contrasting emotions in the inverted sky of my being. Never break a man's heart. I am not me anymore, and all I have is myself. I took the risk and placed my heart in her hands but she couldn't handle it. My heart is fire, lit by the flames of the sun. It could either made her warm, protected her like a wall around her and gave her light or just burnt her in its flames. She couldn't take my passion and affection, couldn't take my devotion and preferred my distance and parting. Instead of my hug, she wanted just a photograph; instead of my kiss she preferred an email; instead of my love she wanted friendship. I got nothing to blame her, I just want to be alone, away from her; to be somewhere calm so that I can heal and try to put off the fire of love that has burnt my heart, to forget that Image of her who I once loved, to put off the hope I once lived and the light that once made me smile. But will she understand? Will she ever know? Will she realize what is impossible for me to do?

O heart of mine

Driving along the sleepless streets of Cairo, I took the long way home. Didn't want to go home anyway, guess I was just keeping myself busy: or maybe just trying to run away from myself. Mind was like a restless top, kept whirling around thinking; trying to put the pieces of this life puzzle together. Heart was not feeling well, caught up in denial of its actual status; helplessly trying to fill the empty space inside. I pictured an empty room as I was driving, it was so real that all that I actually saw seemed like a background movie. It was so empty and grey, as if no one lived there; but I did, I was just invisible and maybe I was grey as well. Someone took out the salt out of food, color out of nature and warmth out of me. Someone brought sunset so quickly that I couldn't enjoy the sunrise. Someone who was right here in this room, now left me with memories, hope and emptiness. Stupid I am! I should watch where I am driving. The night was so dark, the moon was pretty. Who knows what the day will bring? Ah my heart just shivered bitterly, poor thing I wouldn't mind if you stop and I wouldn't blame you if you failed me. O heart of mine, wish I could put you to rest, wish I had answers for you; wish I could tell you where your love has gone: all I can say is hang in there if you can, but if you can't I can never blame you. O heart of mine, you have met a lot of blades than men of war had, you have hurt deeper that sacrifices felt, you have flooded the dry lands with tears more than the clouds of the time of Noah did. Where is your love? Where is your life? How long can you hang on? How much can you bear?

I felt my heart answer, not in words but in beats.. Soft steady beats, like the soft waves of a tranquil sea. Very soft I couldn't feel them, like the fading sunset and the fainting scents. I wish you could talk to me as I do to you O heart of mine. Forgive me for I never knew how sensitive you are.. You can go, and leave my chest if you want to. You can stop and bring us to rest. You can even get angry at me if you want to. O heart of mine, I wish you were not mine and I guess you wish the same way too.

Thoughts Devoured

My heart hurts me and I don't know why. Been sailing this raging sea for so long, lost a lot; can't deny. Mountains of tranquility call my mind to dream of their outstanding serenity and amazing solidity. Waves of confusion and irrationability blows the sails of my mind into unwanted currents that drift me off course. Sailing this sea has never been easy anyone.. And definitely not for me.

thoughts boil in my heart evaporates visions of those mountains, but my senses blow away this wonderful vapor and exhales out facts and diminishes all those outstanding fantasies. Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper - Rock - Scissors - Paper...
Will this game ever settle a score? Or will a mad man's wish go unfulfilled till his days go wasted away? Rock - Scissors - Paper, Will you ever make peace? Will I know the answer laying the fleece? Mindless heaven and meaningless haven is the no answer relief. Short term peace it is, one day flower, sunrise in a storm and a shooting star light. But me no settle for fake diamonds nor sign nominal treaties, for me seek truth however bitter cup it might pour in, whatever it may take and however it has to be.

Time, I wish it was only a matter of time. Ticks have kept me awake at night, counting them but never reaching a stop nor even knowing where I started. Man's days are numbered by watches & clocks. So strange how the smallest lifeless thing can carry so much wisdom and a messages to deliver. Mind is sick, so sick wants to go to make chaos and destroy sanity.

.. I should get some sleep.

The Mastery of Vanity

The dark black infection to the mind of the merry is like a wing swing of a bee. Yellows and blacks contrast inside the soul of the poisoned tearing his solidity and darkening his space. None of understanding might comprehend but he of sense might know the riddle of the demanding pressure of affection. To foretell might be easier and to predict is smoother than the realization of the truth between the muscle folds of the beating heart. The yet unfashionable words of understanding are the words of passion and the undesired meanings are those of unity. This ungrateful rock spins around its demise in the orbit of vanity. The faces made resemblance to the ground where their roots have held firm. Fruits of tar bring no pleasure and leaves of abandonment leave no color signature. Dark blacks and dull yellows cover the whole with the sinful poison of loneliness and abomination of self pity. Shall it be told? Or have it been foretold? I doubt.

Frown Clown

I walked through those curtains, into the lights. People cheered, children giggled. My charisma was enough to make the crowd go wild for without a word I could make them bounce on their chairs. Everything about me is unique, my clothes, hat and shoes even my make up and my red round nose. I do all sorts of crazy haircuts. Who cares? I am only good for a smile and my memory only lasts for a while. When the lights go down and the curtain falls I go back home. After I have been surrounded by hundreds, now I am all alone.

A Dream, Die or Live

I hesitated much before I started writing, Didn't know where to start so I thought why wouldn't I start casually with my hesitation. It's alright, I guess all people have these moments. I don't really know what to mention first, my dreams? Or my complaints? No, maybe my feelings. You know what I dream of Father? Like, have You watched me when I daydream once? I bet You might laugh at me, maybe You feel sorry for how small and selfish they are. You know, You are God. I guess everything will look small to You. But I know that since You created me so small that means that You would definitely care about my small issues. Ah, It's a good relief I guess I can start talking now!

I dream to have a "life", A place to be and exist. A thing to do. A purpose and a target. Father, I don't know if that's ok but sometimes I feel so lost in this life. Its all like a dark room to me. I am in but I don't seem to find the window to bring in the light. I follow You, I guess I do. I try hard to listen and to do but Father I seem to end up in a dead end street. All I find before me is a wall! Should I jump? Or turn back? Can I break through it? Did I read the map right? Is my compass heading North? Sometimes I wonder Father, Where did it go wrong? You know, I did my best, tried hard, followed and followed and followed. You say sit I sit, stand, I stand. Jump up and down I do. I still wonder why is it still dark in this room?

I wish I open up my eyes every morning to see the sunshine from my bed in this nice house on a calm neighborhood. Wake up with the one I love, Take a walk in the nice fresh air with my wife, dog and my 7 ears old child. Laughing and joking together, saluting nice neighbors as we pass by. Later on drive to work where I really am who I am doing what I was meant to do the way I should with a friendly professional environment. Achievement, success and commitment. Then Later on through the day maybe it would be my turn to pick up my child from school. Going home to my wife, who might have come right away from her work. A little chat and a kiss. Fixing food together, having some fun with my clumsiness au cuisine. Ah the dog needs some to eat. Grab a bone! Here's your dog food! A calm evening watching a movie, maybe going out having dinner, going to the movies or inviting a friend. Then a warm night with my love in my arms sleeping peacefully and our lovely child sleeping like the angels.

Father? Are dreams meant to be fulfilled? Or just ignored? Where does they come from? You? Or who? Is is ok for me to dream? Will that be alright with You? Will dreams break my heart? Or will they bring me hope? My mind is so messed up Father, I don't really know what to think. I am afraid to hold on to my dreams, and also afraid to loose them. I wish, I dream, I imagine and I don't know. I don't know a thing. I took a shower, put my head under the warm water rush, mind so stiff, heart so heavy. Sometimes I feel afraid to mess up that I don't really try or make a choice. Afraid of You Father. Afraid to mess things up, Go off plan, Make a critical decision that would turn me into Judas or Saul! I sometimes feel I am walking the wire. I am dead scared of falling, terrified of failing. I want to be perfect But I simply CAN'T! Maybe it shouldn't be that way, Maybe I am putting very high standards for following You, Standards that You haven't put for me. Father, I know only one thing. Remember the Night You talked to me, You said: " I will never leave you ". Those words keep me going, till this very moment. At least I have the assurance that You won't leave me.

Open my eyes Father so I can know and see, You not my picture of You. I want to see Your Face as IS, Not as I picture You. End my quest, my wonder and darkness. Show me what I have never seen or heard or known. That Was and Is and Will be. Who Are You? Bless me to know Who You really Are.

Soul mate of eternity

Would life mean a thing without you? Would all the earth be of any worth when you are away? All of my days I have waited for you, since my creation I missed you for you have been taken away from me by the hands of God as He left me with the desire and the clue to find you, with a sure promise too. O Heart of my heart and soul of my soul your pain is a torture to my own presence and your sadness is a spear driven through my liver. I would place my very own self on that alter of pain instead of you, I would even die in your place. I would do anything to keep you from pain. Let me hold you close, hide you in my arms, keep you warm in the middle of snow storm and well in the middle of the night. Let me touch you and heal you, lead you to the shores of sunshine and into the gardens of hope. You who your name always brought me hope seems to thirst for it, and though you are my promise of it, it's my turn to be that hope for you. I wish you would just lean on me, for I would carry you. Trust me for I will protect you. My fairly adored love and my greatly cherished soul mate. I would kiss your lips and give you my very own spirit and health and take away all your pain and faint. Let me be for you with all my strength, let me be around you for all my life. Wonder not if I say that I loved you even more than I loved my very own self. Doubt not at my devotion to you. If I live forever I would never find anyone like you.. So tonight let me die for you, my beloved soul mate.

Helpless to Confess

She took me where I lost myself, She lead me where I became no more. I followed her till everything I wanted became her, I pursuit her till she over took my existence. Her eyes trapped mine into adoration, Her voice captured my ears into hypnosis, Her body enslaved mine into devotion, Her presence forced my heart into surrender. Sweet sweet surrender. Like an iceberg I melted at the equator of her passion, and like a meteor I burnt into the atmosphere of her silence. She caught me by the heart and pulled me closer, brought me to my knees before her. I cannot resist her no more for I am tangled by the locks of her hair that drives me wild and by the look of her eyes she cheers my heart up. Addiction would be amazed what she has done to me and magic would wonder how she did that. She leaves me helpless to confess what I have been hiding and to admit all that I have been denying. Then my tongue rebels over my mind and speaks the secrets of my heart, threatening my strength as it uncovers my weakness. With all my power I try to stop it. Its not just my tongue, even my heart wants that! My eyes and skin wants that even my very own lips wont keep shut together everything in me seem to stand up against me! And then I find myself getting out of control. Totally.. And as I surrender, the words come out of my lips saying..
"I love you"

Drifting Shell

Somewhere I found myself, looking around couldn't see a thing. It's not dark but it's very undefined. Shapes seem to have no outline, masses seem to have no shadow. It's a different world in here. No one can tell North from South in here. Actually there is no one here but me. Sounds like the sea. Sleeping so peacefully and turning around as the currents move her. I can feel the shaking and rumbling. I hold on tight to where I stand. Keeping my balance. For all my life is in a tiny sea shell in the bottom of that huge ocean.

Stairways of space

Walking up the stairs, With uncertain steps I rose up. Looking around all I can see is stars and space nebulas creating an imperiled view I have never witnessed in my whole life. It's been a long way from earth now and a very long trip it was. Step by step I ascended these stairs and yet there are more to go. Weariness has forgot all about me, weakness has abandoned me. My eyes look up at the end of those stairs and focus on the end of it. Energy flows through my body and power rushes through my veins, heart pumps like an earthquake and breath as hot as a volcano. There seems to be so much life with in me, empowering me like a locomotive, like a nuclear bomb in its moment of power. I am like a comet crossing the space and wasting away the time passing across the galaxies unstopped and undefined. Everytime I look at her up there, at the end of those stairs I boil, freeze and evaporate into the deepest pit of love. While she is in the height of amazement. But then, what now? And how? All I know is I have to climb up those stairs, to the moon.

Unspeakable Love

Father, I look up to You. In my time of trouble and in the hour of affliction. Your face seems not to express anything while mine shows everything. You seem so much different from me though I am Your son. Your silence is a killer sometimes, Your stillness is tougher than the loads I carry but somehow You are doing the right thing. Your wisdom is beyond my humanly comprehension. Your ways are beyond my recognition but they take me to the right destination after all. I wait for You, Wait and wait. I keep my eyes fixed on You when my heart rips off my chest. When I am stabbed, hated and totally misunderstood. When I am counted as the enemy and avoided as poison. Sometimes Father all I have is hate and anger but it only lasts for a moment and disappears for that I am made of is love. Just like wine spilled on the floor, I am. I wonder no more for if Jesus was treated like so why would I be treated better? I am no greater than my Master, No better than my Teacher. All I have is just to look up to You Father for strength in time of darkness and for joy in time of pain. Only You Father know my heart, Only You Father know what it's like. Only you know the wounds of the one who loves. Only You who understand me and love me. I have no one else in this world but You. And really miss You here. Is there anyone in this world who has got a bit of Your love in her heart for me? Will there ever be? Vashti or Esther? I can not tell who is who anymore. All I have is an invitation, a red carpet and a celebration but it seems to me that no one of my guests is really interested. All are busy, worried and troubled. You have purified me like gold and even more precious I am. You have made me as clear as diamonds and pure as silver. Till now none realized my worth. None understood. But I am not upset about that for I believe You unlocked only one pair of eyes to see and understand and to want me. So I wait and wait for I know that day will come. And Till it does You keep me in Your furnace and purify me more and more. With Your silence and stillness. Your unspeakable love.

Nailed away

Been so long hanging on that cross, skin tightening and flesh dehydrating. Sun burnt my face and wounds covered me all over. Looking up to heavens to seek mercy but silence is all find. My loved ones deserting me was painful more than thirst, but I knew they would. They are so weak and I understand. How long should I stay hanging on that cross? Nailed away from freedom and crowned with burdens and sins for sake of Love and justice? I desire nothing for my will is the same of the Father. I look up to Him and I know that He will end it up when its time. He wont be late. I know I will have to go, Its nearly over now. I hang in patience and pain.

My friend the Groom

Dressed in His wedding suit He stood, I was right beside Him, Waiting with Him. I looked at my watch. She was late. He looked back to me with eyes full of sadness and disappointment. I didn't know what to say or what to tell Him. I knew that nothing could ever ease the pain that goes through His heart. Its been so long and He has been waiting eagerly for his bride. I am not His first friend, Others stood in my place for a long time till they had to leave. Sometimes I got angry at her for not showing up, but He, He never got angry of her. Though jealous He was but He never quit waiting for her. His breath was heavy and sad. He kept looking back at me with eyes full of words but no word He said. He then looked back at the door waiting for it to open at any moment for His bride to enter. I looked around, some guests have fallen asleep, some have left and some has kept on making fun of Him. I looked back to Him with eyes full of compassion and questions and He looked to me right through my eyes and then I started to see. I saw His bride deep within His eyes, She wasn't dressed in wedding clothes but she was dressed like a whore dancing before the eyes of others, bouncing from one man's hug to another's. Laughing and singing with a cup of strong drink in her hand. Stumbling from one hall to another, from one room to another, from a street to an alley. Into darkness she went, and into sorrow He was buried. He closed His eyes squeezing tears out of His eyes and out of mine tears ran down my face. He whispered: " Bring her back to Me", I nodded. For such greater love I will, for a broken heart of a worthy Groom, a dear friend and Lord I will. I walked towards the door, pushed it open with both hands and went through the dark, With a song, a song He wrote for her. Singing as I went. Hoping that she would recognize the words and that the tune may soften her drunken heart. The is nothing more precious in existence that a loving heart and nothing is more hurting than a broken one.

My little girl

My little girl, been so long since I last saw you. Been years since I have been close to you. Since that day that she left my side and wandered away through the busy streets of our city. I went on looking for her for days and nights but I never found her. Now here she is sitting in a corner grabbing her legs together as she faces her knees and stares at the ground where the winds blow the autumn leaves around. Tears flooded my eyes and started falling from my eyes as I saw her and I couldn't believe my eyes. Could my beloved little girl, the destination of all my love end up in this lonely and cold place? I couldn't believe what I saw. I have never imagined my baby the one who grew in my arms and enjoyed the warmth of my hug to end up hugging her knees in that cold surrender in that corner of a wall. My heart cracked as I saw her like that as if a cold steel blade ran throughout my beating heart. My skin froze and my eyes cried as I saw the ample of my eye misplaced and mistreated. I would rather die a thousand times than see her like that. I would rather fade into inexistence than to leave her like so. With passionate aching heart I ran close and I went down on my knees before her, tried to look her in the eyes, I touched her face as she opened her eyes slowly. "Beloved" I whispered, "Daddy is here for you". She looked at me with cold still eyes, she stared at me for a while then closed her eyes slowly then opened them again. "its not a dream my baby, Daddy is here for you" I whispered and smiled as a tear ran down my face. She opened her mouth and uttered something silently then her voice started to be heard: "da.." Then she smiled and closed her eyes and opened her arms. I grabbed her with both my arms and held her so tightly, raised her off the ground Kissed her all over her face and cried like I never did before, I heard her saying in a weak voice: "daddy I missed you, I missed you daddy". A moment in time that my heart kept beating as never before in my life that I felt it would stop. It's all that I ever wanted to hold in my arms again is my little girl.

If she was ever in Eden

She, the most wonderful person my eyes has ever seen. Her voice is the most relieving tone my ears has ever enjoyed. Everything about her makes me wish only for one wish.
That we would have met in Eden. With no memories, no past, no fear, no second thoughts, no regrets and no insecurities. I can take them away if she wanted, if only she surrendered and trusted me. But my hands are tied with a promise and my arms are wrapped in the chains of logic and understanding. I feel like a bomb that is ticking and like a smoking mountain ready to release its hidden volcano. A heart full of overwhelming love ready to burst with all its love and adoration. But then the mind rules me, understanding control my actions. How can I put fire in me and not burn and how can I leave a bomb in me and not explode? Can understanding answer that? Can reason argue with me? Or is it sometimes that ill logical natural actions be more wise than civilized organized reason? Or is it the pride of intelligence that ruins that purity of instincts? I wish we met in Eden, it wouldn't have to be this way.

Beneath the Cross

I walked across Jerusalem's busy streets carrying a huge chunk of wood placed on my shoulder, squeezing my wounded skin as I walked with bare feet along the hot stone paved streets towards the Calvary. I can hardly hear the people around, I am so exhausted, Lost a lot of blood and my body suffers severe pain from caused by flails of the executioners. Even the cool breeze seem to burn my wounds more, that breeze that used to cool down my warm skin is only hurting me more But not more than what I feel. I looked around trying hard to open my eyes from the bruises I got in my trial all night long. Those faces seems familiar, they were around when I entered Jerusalem. They cheered for salvation and now they are cursing me with death. My head is in extreme pain. Thorns have pierced my head all over. But all that is in my mind is to fulfill my Father's will. Struggling in each step I take I took one step after another. The guards pushed me to make haste all the way. I started to feel my body fainting, I want to move on by my knees are failing me, My skin burns, My head heavy and hurts, my back so weak and my shoulders are breaking. I lift up my eyes to my Father. I pushed on. Tried to focus more, tried to restrain my body. I have walked all around Israel and Judea for days and days now I can hardly make it up to Calvary. Its a heavy burden on my shoulder and heavier in my heart. My heart that beats with pain sorrow and obedience. My heart that beats with Love and moves my tears. My Heart, Ah...
I found myself on the ground, beneath the cross.

You wont Leave me, never!

Father, I don't want to speak. I don't know what goes on in my heart of mine. Will You be patient with me? Will You wait for me? Will You not stop loving me? I know I am wrong about a lot of things, I know I don't treat You the way I should be, The way someone who was really loved should react to his Lover. Father, Please don't stop loving me because I am so unfocused and confused. I want You Father, I just don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I am drunk or something. I keep loosing my focus as if I am on drugs. How can I ever not choose You when I know You are All that I want and All that I wished for?? Help me Father, Don't leave me. Reach down for me and save me. Do not stop at my stone heart and let not my feeble will repel You. When I faint, hold me and if I die, revive me. Tell me now that we are to be together forever, Tell me You wont leave me nor forsake me. Tell me nothing can keep us apart! Father I love You, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do..
But yes, I know You. You have promised not to leave me nor forsake me and Yes, You shall stop at nothing and Yes, You shall hold me when I faint and revive me when I die. Your Love never dies as long as You Are for You are Love and You are forever and ever. Your Love for me wont fade or fail. Your care for me wont just go away. Your grace is eternal and I shall forever dwell in your arms for life. I Love You Father, From all my heart.

Pearl of Arabia

I stood on the shores of the great white sea, looking at the horizon where the sky meets the sea, where the blue meets deeper blue. Winds blew at my face carrying the ends of my Arabian turban backwards as they wave like flags of fame and fortune trapping the eyes of the beholder to where I stand. I wish I could trap the eyes of just one, the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen as I sailed through the seas and journeyed across the Arabian deserts. One pair of brown eyes trapped the heart of an Arabian merchant. I would pay gold loads of a thousand camels for another chance to see her eyes, I would give a thousand boxes full of rare black pearls just for one step closer to her. I have gone across the great deserts, sailed along the endless waters, climbed the heights of mountains and past across the valleys. I have dragged my camels and horses for miles and miles, walked and ran and crawled for days and for endless nights I camped under those diamond stars in search for the most precious being ever seen on earth. Grooms from all around the world sail and travel to see her, to present the good of their lands and the wealth of their heir seeking her as a wife praying for her approval, even begging for it but she haven't accepted anyone yet. I untied the scarf around my neck, I held it in my hands and smelled it, Ah that scent of her, I thought. I remember the night she gave it to me with a smile. She knew I will be back and here I am getting close to her palace, her high tower where she sleeps. I passed all the other grooms who were in her garden camping waiting helplessly for her approval. I walked by as they stared at me. I have no fear nor doubt inbetween my courageous heart-beats. With eyes full of desire, with a heart full of fire I pushed her door open, her servants and maids tried to stop me but they were full of fear, they bowed down to me for they knew that I had the authority. I commanded my slaves to stand back at the door as I preceded up the stairs towards her room, that treasure box where she hides, that secret place where she disappears. I stood before the door, then slowly pushed it wide open revealing my presence to her. She slowly turned around with eyes wide open like a cup of mixed drink she was surprised and amazed at the same moment, she was shocked and thrilled. She was speechless. Her maid tried to apologize that she couldn't stop me from breaking the silence of her loneliness but she dismissed her leaving the both of us together again, like the first time we met. It was for a second of time, but this time its forever. I walked across her room straight towards her with eyes like an eagle. Her eyes were like a confused deer trying to jump away but in vain. I streched my hand to her she hesitated then she lowered her head and looked to the ground as she extended her hand to me. I bowed and kissed her hand gently, she could feel my warm desert lips touch her soft skin, she took a deep breath with an excited yet controlled smile she looked up to me, I smiled back then I pulled her up to stand and she did though her knees were too weak to stand. I gently grabbed her by the waist and slowly pulled her near to me, she closed her eyes. I closed mine.. All I felt was the touch of her soft lips touching mine then time stopped at this moment forever and all the world saw that and wondered for it has never seen such love.

Twins

Her eyes were warm brown as beautiful as the rugs of Persia, His eyes were as clear as the colored glass of an ancient cathedral. First time he saw her eyes, he got caught up in the beauty of her pretension, she also stared at the unexplainable depth of his desire. It is a sunny day at the great garden. A beautiful place for children their age to be. I brought them here, and here they are. At the beginning they didn't seem to interact much, she got busy chasing butterflies and he kept tracing her with his eyes from a distance. Going round in circles around the trees and the beautiful green bushes she kept on going as he took a corner and watched from a far. I noticed him getting hung up to her, gently trying to stand in her way.. He also wants to play. Her eyes kept him near for she also wanted him to be close. He talked to her and she seemed to reply I didn't hear what he said or how she replied for I was watching over them from a far. They seemed to act a little rough for children their age, they kept on avoiding eachother for a while then back together they came. The more I looked at them the more I smiled for memories came to me on the spot. Now they are playing some kind of a game, my guess its something like "hide and seek" She kept running from him while he chased her around as they giggled around filling the garden with a cheerful sound of innocent childish laughter. My heart was merry as I watched over them. Though she looked as fragile as a butterfly she was so hard to catch and though he looked like a wild little lion he was so gentle with her. The game kept on and on all through the day. No one knows how it will end. I simply zoomed out of all the details to see them in this wonderful place under this beautiful clear skies. Today they have met for the first time. I can see they are getting along just fine. A tear raced my check as I thought.. It has been a long time now they have been a part now they are together again like the first day they existed deep in their mother's womb. They were only once tiny little cell that has split in two. And though they had the same eyes, they never knew.. They were twins.

Shape of my heart

I opened the door of my car, sat down slowly I turned the music on as I started the engine and drove my way. I opened the windows, the air was cold so I covered my head with the cape of my sweatshirt covering my eyes to the beholder but keeping my impression to myself, keeping me warm as the song softly played..

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I kept it running on and on as my wheels rolled round and round as me was whirling upside down. I knew I wasn't alright, my eyes were staring forward driving through the chaotic Cairo streets, I was not at peace, I was numb. Music went slowly as well as my reactions to my surrounding as my wheels rolled my mind kept on thinking and thinking.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

I sang along the chorus with sting, my heart was like a guitar string that was just strum silently. Drove south all the way slowly passing through crossroads and still lights. I looked up to God with eyes full of bitterness and a heart full of hate, I knew something was not right in me and I should open up and talk, but I couldn't. I wanted to cry but my tears didn't want to rain down on such a time.

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

Oh God

O Father

Father, I am back. I have gone round and round, to the North and South, to the shores and mountains and now I am back. You, my Father only know exactly how I feel, You know my past and future and how is it like in this very moment as I breath and as my heart beats. Will it beat for another time? Will I inhale the air again if I let it out this once? Father, open your arms for me to rest my head on Your chest and to curl around as I sit on Your lap. I wonder, what would I do without You? I couldn't have made it this far and would not be able to anymore without You. You can see I am so confused, for You know everything that goes within my heart and mind. Been Years Father, I followed You in every step of the way till I reached this place in nowhere. Sometimes I feel You are leaving me, sometimes I feel You have forgotten me but I know You will never leave me nor forsake me. You told me, You promised and You are no liar. I believe You and I shall wait even if all of my tears dry out, even if there is no heart to hurt nor skin to feel. I shall wait for You never let me down and shall never do...

There is a purpose in all of that, Isn't it Father? I know there must be some sort of an explanation or a reason of some sort. You never let things happen for no aim. You make all things work for good for You know that I love You Father. I will wait on You. I will wait..

All I have become..

Where do you go when you are in pain? Where do you hide when hurt drives you insane? Does it conquer your physical domain? I wish I could be there in this dark cave, sharing you, feeling the same. Beloved, my heart beats off tempo for you. Maybe its not much but that's all I can do. If I can give away my health, strength even my whole life and my very own soul, I shall not hesitate a second. For you to be happy I would give up my own being and vanish into numb inexistence just for you. If I can bear all your pains I would carry it to Calvary. I wish I can be who I wish and do what I can't but I will do what I can even if it wasn't enough, I will try. You are always in my mind and heart that I melt like the ice of the mountain tops at the first heat of spring I glide down the mountains forming pure water streams bringing life to all the forests around but loosing my own existence as I hear that you are not alright. God I am no stone nor metal, my heart tears apart when she is caught up in pain. I feel I want to hold her in my arms till she falls asleep, till she wakes up well. I would feed her on my own health and support her with the essence of life that runs through my own veins. Oh How I wish I would give my very humanity and my visibility and all my dreams to feel her and touch her just to watch over her night and day as a guarding angel. Her smile will be just enough so please my heart. Why do I feel like that? I have become willing to just die for her to live, to cry for her to smile and suffer for her to enjoy. I don't know who I have become. I am just a song for her lips and poetry for her ears. All I am has become is just for her.

A Story

Been a long hard day, the sound of her cheers me up. She's been going through my mind for days now, non stop thoughts and questions to her and about her but yet a few answers. Time with her seems to slip so quickly and without her the clock doesn't seem to move. She affects time and heart beats the same way. Tabitha, a beautiful deer. An amazing mountain beauty with a wild sea shore with all its calm waves and its raging ones. She's the earth, the island and the moon. I am the heavens, the sea and the sun. Without her I am empty and without me she is nowhere.

Like a long lost coast walker I found her sitting by the parting rock, watching the sea as it rages and splashes around her. I smiled to her but she didn't smile back, talked but she didn't answer. I looked on the sand below that rock which she sat on alone, I found this beautiful locket. A locket of memories. I picked it up. She looked at me. I could see tears in her eyes, then tears filled mine too. Climbed up and sat beside her, on that same old rock on which I sat before. I felt so warm, and so did she. We watched the sun set in the sea slowly disappearing as the stars appeared one by one. We laid down on our backs watching the stars as they shine like diamonds far away. "I don't want to go" I said, She softly replied: "please don't". I smiled, she smiled back. One the same rock that we parted we met again. Waiting for the next dawn together.

My Father

My Father! A word so sweet to say and a love to amazing to miss. Father it has been ages and years of my life that I haven't felt that way and I can't recall when was the last time or if I ever felt this way. With You I seek nothing and in Your arms I desire nothing else. Once You were a King to me a Ruler and a Master and yes, You are but knowing that You are my Father tops them all. For Your love is more than amazing and beyond warmth. The sole mention of Your Fatherhood moves my whole existence in Joy beyond my experience. Ah Daddy I missed You so much, So much! It's like I was blind and deaf for years and now I can see and hear! And What a sight I see, what a sound I hear. In You my Father I delight, You and You alone. I love You

A surgeon's sacrifice

How ruthless and solid hearted does the surgeon look as he holds the razor sharp blade in his hand and slowly unzips the skin of a critical condition patient in need of a heart transplant. His cold steel blades and rock-solid nerves, His Patience and stillness view an image of a sadistic monster who has helplessly trapped his victim and have paralyzed it with poison. But as the darkest night turns into dawn slowly and un noticeably this same surgeon seems to take a different image as he takes out his own heart and plants it into the slowly dying body of his dear patient. Bringing in warmth and strength with love beyond looks and care beyond pain. He might not speak again for its the end for him, but for his beloved its a beginning. Planting a message of love in that once was a dying body.

Some say he was a fool, but I say no. He wasn't, He loved till his very end. A love that has never been mentioned in novels nor taught in the books of medicine. He looked terrible in the eyes of the beholder but for the heart of God he was not. He has the heart of the Father.

King of the Castle

The view from these walls is marvelous! I can see the slopes and the fields of the whole providence. I can spot my enemies as they wake up from their sleep with their evil plans of raids and war. But here I stand in my Castle with a heart that never trembles no more. I have built up the wholes and fortified the weakest links. My towers are the pride of my people and my gates their refuge. Peace be to the dwellers of my lands and mercy to all who seek relief. The day I ascended to the throne is a milestone and a memoir to be remembered. Peace and Grace for all. Last Night its a night to remember and a sight for soar eyes. All the castle in joy and laughter, tears and songs. I am back. I never knew how good it feels to be home among my faithful warriors and my beloved family of friends, brothers of blood and steel. I myself have been a refugee for years now. I played the fool, the vulgar, the nomad, the savage and the freak but now I am back to my place.. The king. The king of the castle of reality.

Peace Lift

The Sea Mattress of Peace, Where waves cuddle you around taking you where you never imagined from the dawn of the sun till the rise of the moon. The wonderful floating mattress of peace can lift you up higher than the clouds and even out of the rule of gravity into the depth of space. Where loneliness is no issue and pain is of no significance. Viewing the beauty of creation from God's point of view, Trusting His heart and Who He is. All I have to do is just trust, relax and watch Then Joy comes in forever dwells in me. Thank You Lord, for You.

Exposition of the Knight

The more you stand before the light, the more stains that appear to the surface. The higher the light, the darker the shadows become.
Today I stood in the high intense light and I saw myself before the Lord. I wasn't a pretty sight to look upon. Like a knight driven by his horse I was. My emotions have led me through the wrong turns, Hurting itself, me and most of all an innocent lady. It's all my fault. Now I have taken this wild horse by force driving it back on track. But first I have to clear out the mess I have left behind. Emotions are like a razor sharp sword that can cut in both directions, I was a fool to mess with it for I haven't just hurt myself but her also. If it was for me I wouldn't have cared, but its her who I care of. She didn't deserve all that and I never meant it too. I don't blame myself more than I should, I will be fair with myself. One hand doesn't clap. But my hand I will reform for it is my responsibility.
Starting from today my unfaithful, uncaring and selfish horse, you shall be in bonds completely controlled in power and force till you learn to be disciplined completely following my will and desire. From this moment your reign over me ends and my rule over you starts. From this day on, you shall not hurt, kick or bite innocent people like the fair lady you have dragged into the thorns of your wild fake heavens. From this moment on I shall cut your wicked tongue and cripple your crewel feet. A crawling obedient harmless horse is better than a wild hurting healthy one. From this very moment on, my mind shall over rule my emotions.

Time stop

I have marched in battles and never returned. I have swam in the oceans but never touched the shore. I have sailed the skies but never landed. Mined but never surfaced. Climbed but never reached. Ran but never finished.. I am still here.

The lonely coast of patience

At the edge of the great deserts lies the shore of the endless waters, There I stood alone again after a long trip chasing the mirage of a timeless warmness and endless refuge. The desert is so dangerous, you could spend all your time and effort pursuing mirages and daydreams of the green. I stood in the middle of the blue and white clouds as they clashed together with all the coldness and warmth they carried, then rain fell right on me. I looked through I saw the moon veiled by the layers of the clashing clouds. I wanted it so bad that I wished I would be a soul un felt and un desired just to be in this moment for life and after-life, for the second and eternity for now and forever. I felt I touched it but I didn't, I was not thinking straight, My senses tricked me, though the signs were real. I could swear they were real. Later on I realized I was sun-struck. I can't tell if I am alive or no. Sometimes I doubt that I am real, maybe I am a dream. Maybe I am a spirit or an angel. Or maybe I am a devil and a trap. Whatever I am I touched the moon, but it was so cold, dead as it rolls by drifting through the dark purple skies of the wild desert. Its light dazzled me for so long that I couldn't sleep of its beauty but it wasn't real. It was just a reflection of the sun. Just like memories, sweet but they are no longer real to be lived and felt. Those darn memories that choked the life out of the desert and hope out of me. Now I go back to where I started, the lonely coast of patience.

Come

Do you know what I dream to do with you? I want to take you for a long long ride along the sands of my time and the deserts it has left behind. Let me take you to my favorite place, my hideout. Let me show you the place I grew up at and all the memories of childhood. Let me take you to the place I worked at with all the suffering and laughter I had there. Lets go where I love the sunset and moon. Lets go where I hate myself and where I love life, lets go into the dark and the light, the bad and the bright, into sorrows and delight. Come, don't be late for here I wait. Let me take you in, deep within. Put your hand on my heart and feel its beatings. Feel me in pain and in chill. Get into my mind with all its lightening and thunders that never seem to cease. Talk to me more, for your words seem to rob the time away of its effect. You steal my days and my nights. You took all the stars away from my sky, but who cares, I got you.

Parting ways

When Cold solid stainless steel blade cuts through a warm beating heart a silent scream echoes in the realm of love, a funeral walks on in the path of the sun. Parting ways is never easy, not at all.

Doing what's Right

My hope is in the Lord my Savior. For Him I shall wait...
I had to let her go, I had to. Its unacceptable to me to just charm her and make her love me against her will, capturing her by the words my heart utters. I want to be loved not just for saying nice sweet words. I want to be chosen, selected and preferred. Chosen by her free will and her whole heart desire. I did the right thing before My Lord. I couldn't be selfish in that, I had to be wise and to control my passionate heart, though its so hard, beyond every pain I have gone through, To leave someone you have loved with all your heart, To let her go is a killer decision. Like signing your own death sentence or like burying yourself alive, its just like placing yourself as a sacrifice on the alter of love, Bearing the fire and fainting slowly as you give your very last breath of life just to do what's right and what's true love. Love that is not selfish, Love that is strong. Love that is not demanding, Love that is sensitive. Love that is not self centered, conditional but Love that is giving and fulfilling even if it has to give itself up all for the smile of the loved one. Love that dares pay the price till the last drop of blood. Love that faces fears and splits the oceans of loneliness and the clouds of despair. For this I shall not regret. I have done what's good and what's love before the throne of God. The throne of Perfect Love

Waking up

What the hell was I thinking? I did the right thing when I let her go. Would I be happy to hang on false hope? Would I enjoy fake love? Or would it look right if I wasn't loved for who I am? Absolutely no. Besides, I did what was right for her. She will know herself more, her weakness and strength And if its God's will she will know more about me that words would have never told. She may see my wisdom, commitment and pure love. She might see my warmth and my unselfishness. She will see my pure friendship as well as my devoted love. That's if I am the one for her, she will see. But as for me, I will walk on, thanking God for giving me the wisdom and the strength to choose and do what's right and good in love. I thank You God for Your gifts of wisdom and Love. Heal me Lord, Move me step by step for I have no one but You. I am glad I did the right thing, For once in my life I did the right thing. Help me Lord complete what I have started and finish what I have begun. And for now I will sleep with clear conscious and I can rest my aching head in peace and as for my heart, You handle it Lord.

Tonight, Let me Die.

Tonight, My heart splits in half. Tonight I let her go. She didn't know if she loved me for who I am or just what I wrote in my blog. She didn't know if I was the one or just anyone. She didn't know a thing. So I let her go. I disappear from her life for a month. God, I loved her. Parting is very hard, but eventually it happens and we have to endure its fire. This time I will be burnt. I don't believe she will ever be back again. I don't believe she is in love with me. Yes, she was right. She doesn't know me at all. Frankly I don't think there is any reason for her to be attached to me, we got nothing together. We are in different circles that don't intersect. For me, Its over. I am only waiting for a confirmation. God, Take my life. My heart hurts like hell. Twisting and contracting inside of me. End my story Lord, I am gievely sad and gravely aching in heart. May death be of Your mercy to me and may the grave be my resting place for I have loved endlessly but never was loved for who I was. Spare me the pain and the cross O Lord. Quicken my death and make haste to my doom for my heart found no rest and in the coldness it dwelt. Wipe all my memories O God and press down the past into my unconsciousness. Bury down my hopes and cover all my dreams. Drown me in the ocean and let me not see the sun again. Place me in the center of the earth or leave me on a roaming moon. Let not my name be remembered not my memory recalled. Let me be no more, For who am I without Love?

My Dear God,

Lord my God, Through history You have always been there for me. Planning my existence since the ancient creation, Since the first dawn of time. Preserving your plan for me to be. Power of Love and Life. Endless in provision. Awesome in strength. Amazing in understanding and tender in wisdom. I shall not take my life out of your hands now and never, forever. You grab my hand and run, I will keep on running with you over the clouds over the peeks of the mountains. Above the walls I never could have passed You made me leap over! Above the swamps and traps You made me fly! Your hand has never left mine nor Your heart have forsaken me. You called me Beloved, and Yes, I am! When I see you, forgive me if I act like a child and run and leap in your arms infront of all Your kingdom. Forgive me for my sin stained garments and my foolish weary appearance. Your open arms pay my ransom and Your bleeding wounds wash me clean. You made it perfect for me to get back to you. Father I love you, Forgive me if I don't see You and treat You as a Kind though you are the King of Kings. All I see about you is just a heart. For Love You Are. From the ancient times, now and forever You will be. I will rest my head, Close my eyes in peace. I know You look over me and watch over my life that everything that happens will be for good. For you are a good God. All I will do is just Dance and dance before you. Dance all my life through, For You have turned my mourning into dancing and my weeping into songs. Amazing Love shine all around me light my nights and brighten my days, separate the gathering of clouds and the rhythm of the rains bring Your rays through. Bring on that blue sky of the Heaven of your throne. Fill me up with You, Love. Fill me up and Burst through my heart Shine through. Let me Boost, Be my pride. Your Love, Be me. Melt me in you and dissolve me in the rivers of your sweetness. In You I don't want to be found again. Let me be an ambassador of my loved ones, You wont reject my words for I am so dear to you. I ask you for the one I love and ever did.. Take away all her pain and grant her vision to know and to see her way whatever that might be. It doesn't have to include me, I call for freedom and strength, Healing and health, Success and wealth. I only ask for the good for her. And as for me, Lord You are my prize. Beside u I desire nothing else and I shall ask for none, for You know and You plan for me as you ever did. For you I shall wait and I will never grow weary or tired for I lean on You all through my way. You have blessed me beyond all the treasures of the earth. You have blessed me beyond all the secrets of the universe. You have blessed me greatly, For You have blessed me by Being for me, my exceedingly great reward and my share in life and eternity! Come on Lord lets dance till dawn breaks the silence and till eternity splits time! Forever and ever and ever. I love You.

Collision

Something struck me, Robbed me, Stole a lot from me. Something happened I don't understand. Blew me off my feet. Nights are dark, Morning sun seems that it doesn't shine. Moon drifts away. Stars shine no more. I look for planets but I don't see any, I search for the North but I cannot find. Facing a wall, I will not back off. Infront of that wild beast I shall not retreat. Will the end come soon? Make haste then. Will it come later on? Take your time. Whatever happens will be and none shall stop. Whatever is in my way I will meet. Oh messengers of peace bring me news, make a run for it. Time burns as the clock turns and all that the red coal leave is ashes. Make haste if you bear me a message and bring me life. Or death. Make haste, I long for my Destiny and Fate, But leave me not in wait. O Winds of the earth shall you speak to me the secrets I long to hear, will you speak the words of wisdom or the songs of vanity? Whatever you have make haste, Bring it on. Do not wait. O Fires of the ancient volcano do you envy mine? Do you envy my flames? My raging Mind and my twisting heart? O Thunders of the heavens are you louder than my silent passion? Or brighter than my desire? Or more powerful than my will? O armies of the earth are you mightier than my heart and stronger than the marks I leave? Come on you waves of the sea, lift me up and drop me down. I shall be silent. Come on all of you, seasons. Bring on your heat and coldness, gatherings and partings. Shall I speak? Ah you earth, keep on rolling on and on who shall stop you? For Heaven and Hell have clashed over right through my heart.

The Missing

To miss you the second that you are gone, To long for you the moment you left. How I wish I could hold you longer, how I wish I could just not let you go, how I wish you could be mine. Forever. To put off the fire that burns me, and those waves that drown me, to bring breath to my chest and pulse to my heart. I wish I could split in two. One of me would just make you love me and the other would just enjoy your love. One of me would just suffer to bring you to me and the other would welcome you. But I can't, I am no angel nor spirit. I am just a man, incurably in love with you.

Beautiful Star

Let it be tonight, bring them all! Your fears, emotions, accusations and doubts. For God's sake if you fill them up in a cup for me I will drink it and ask for more. Let it be tonight, bring all your enemies of your lands and the beasts of your wilderness and I will make them no more. Let it be tonight, when I rip my hear out and place it a sacrifice on the alter of love. Let it be tonight.

God, I missed her like the fires of the core of the earth and the flames of the sun. Like something has been missing from my very existence. Since the dawn of my creation.
Spill down the seas God over my flaming hear to put out the fire in me, but I know now why You didn't. You had something else in plan. Beyond my knowledge of time, beyond my expectations. You brought me back what I thought I would never find. My beautiful star.

Beautiful star, glittering along that dark blue skies. Sending your rays along the shores and sand, bringing beady to the land. O how beautiful you are. I would stand on the tip of a mountain to touch you. I would climb its snowy peeks and its icy rocks just to see you. Hopefully touch you. I would reach out and strech as much as I can, risk the down fall and the break. Risk my time and life. Anything that I takes. Even if it takes me. Beautiful Star, you turned the night of my loneliness to the morning of the great feast. You brought music to my ears and dancing to my body. I shall rejoice over you tonight for I have found you at last.

Dilemma of the Triad

The memories of nothing. The visions of no one. The nights of insomnia. The days of daydreams. You leave me a present, a gift. Then you go and leave no trace. The winds blow your footsteps off record and the sun covers your destiny in mirage. I have seen a lot and known too much. I heard it all and yet I don't believe it. You who you call yourself "Life" have no life in yourself. You who call yourself "Hope" left me no hope at all. You who call yourself "Light" left me in the dark. Am I the center of the universe that all of you should just show up then go? Am I the sun? Or a star? But you have chosen to spend your lives like nomads, like comets, like dreams. Took away my body and left me as Love. Took away my desires and left me a soul. You have been the swords that God used to cut me with. The knives to run me through. Your purpose was blood, and you got what you came for. But I will look to the west. To the ports of the ocean. I start a trip with the memories of nothing, the visions of no one, the sleepless nights and the daydreams of consciousness.

The Love of the Sun

Love: 1Corinthians 13 from the Bible

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
---

Should I close my eyes and dream? Should I watch the clouds and imagine? I am in love with Love Itself. I wish I could visit your horizon you lonely plant. You, lost moon. Floating. You, Amazing comet drifting away in the space of dreams and loneliness. How I wish could shine on you, bring warmth to your land and life to your ground. Send my rays down your caves, melt your ice poles into oceans, seas, rivers and clouds. Bring rains to your deserts and dew to your wilderness. Send a cool breeze to your trees and heat to your stones. Shall I cause volcanoes to rise and earthquakes to shake your very existence and wake you up from your long lonely sleep. Should I take away your foundations and cause you to lean and dance..

But, your orbit is not in my sight. Your ways are incomprehensible. Your language is so strange to my ears as you speak like the drunk who laughs and crys and never knows why, never knows his own heart. Light years from now I wont be there for you. The warmth of my rays will not be there anymore, my light wont shine no more, and my orbit will not be seen to you anymore. Then I will be sought but never found. Followed but never reached. My journey has begun and will go on. One morning I will shine again on some shore, but I am sure its not going to be the one I have chosen.

In Love I will create and destroy, Cry and enjoy, live and die. I don't deny who I am or what I can do. I wont play lowly and say "maybe". I am a sun. Boiling with Fire and exploding with flames, Restless and wild. Untamed and uncontrollable. Though dangerous to get close to, impossible to live without. Whoever gets caught up in my orbit will never leave. A center and a source. Giving and fulfilling. And most of all .. Loving.

Deceit

Deceit! You ugly foe. Deceit you cowardly enemy. Why cant you fight like a man and show your weapons? Why don't you face me like a predator? But you prefer the shadows and u live setting traps. Your ways are with no honor. Your victories are with no glory. Deceit, Your name sounds like a serpent's hiss. You couldn't face because you are without one. This time you got me. Next time you wont.

Stun Turn

Blank, Mind is Blank. Body doesn't feel. Heart so silent. Just blank. Life takes the other turn. That turn that I didn't want. That turn I didn't choose and would never have ever chosen. Can't drop the jewel out of the hand of a treasurer, the pear out of the hand of the diver and a gun out of the hand of a guard but can take my love out of my arms. Take a battery out of the Energizer bunny. Fuel out of a sports car. Spirit out of man. Life out of earth. Why that turn. Life tell me why did you take that other turn? Do you have a reason? A cause? Can you tell me why? Was it my heart or was it my eye that tricked me? Or were it their deceitful alliance to betray me? Life hear me and know it well. Shall run no more. Shall blame no one else anymore. Shall hate no more. Neither curse nor swear nor scream nor cry nor burn nor twist nor turn, The heart of the true. And life that's definitely not you.

Cairo 1978, cold February night

Tell me about her, tell me does she walk on earth like we do? Or does she fly like a butterfly? Does she dance sing and speak? Or does she hide in the shadows? Have you seen her before? Or just heard about her? Like me, she ran away on my wedding day. Left with no clue.and no why. A wedding with no bride. A world with no light. Left without a reason. She was appointed to be mine and I hers. She waited for me along time and just at the appointed season her patience was gone and her waiting was over. The train we were supposed to ride together left away with her and left me in the station of num. Left me with the smoke and cold all around. My suitcase and umbrella would I survive in the wilderness. A desert without shade. Endless sands of time that drop from above fills this desert where you left me. My skin has turned red burnt to brown and left to blacken by time. Winds have no mercy tearing my clothes as it blows away my own existence away. Even my dreams of the kisses of rain have faded away. Left me with the solidness of the hard rock I stand upon. Rocks that turn to coal with the sun and to ice at night. How I long for your face, it is so beautiful. That a tear falls off my eye and thought it dries up because of the heat that's in my heart and though my letters never reach you I still try anyway. In that sea of sand I have thrown a lot of bottles with all my messages to you, and still they are on their way. In all I wrote the same message to you:

"Life come back, I am waiting for you where we were supposed to meet since our appointed time, since the hour I was conceived. And still I am waiting and I hope death doesn't get me before you do."

Questions of the heart

What is life without love? What is a heartbeat without love? What is meaning and reason without love? What is purpose, destiny and fate without Love? Does existence make sense without love? Does sunshine differ from the rain without love? Can you tell the difference between a smile and a frown? A hug from a wrestle a kiss from a bite a pat on the back from a slap on the face, Without love? What is a song? A poem? A painting? What are colors and tunes? What is warmth and compassion without love? Why would we gather or meet? Why would our lives cross? Without love? Who are we without love? Would we Be without it? Feel without it? Can we ever survive on this planet without Love? Without Love would history remember us? Would it be sane to believe and trust? Without love would there be Words?! Without love would we even want to talk, sing or dance?! Without love would there be children? Would there be a future?! Would there be hope and light? Without Love would there be anything good?

Love makes me heal, feel, plants strength within, makes me take in all the thorns, drink the cups of bitter wines, makes me perform my part. Resurrects me even when I die. I wouldn't have been here without love. Without You Love Without You where would I have been? Its You who made me out of You Love out of You I came to be to breathe and feel for without You I was nothing and my existence was of no reason. You Love have been all around everywhere, I haven't seen You this way before! But the Curtains have fallen from before my eyes and I can see You for who You are Love.

You saw me stumble in the darkness, for darkness wanted to swallow truth in favor of deeper darkness in a selfish desire to maintain itself. But You Love are the truth and Your light will shine! Because nothing would have existed without Love. In Love is all existence. I in You, Love and Yes! You found me stumbling and lost in the darkness of my blindness. Just like the sunrise, slowly the dark black sky turns blue then white. I never knew You before, heard about you a lot. But now I can see You. With my heart I feel You and my mind knows You. For You are more beautiful than all my eyes has ever seen. More wonderful than anything I ever heard. You, Love. You God.

A Bientot

A ship in a storm, where the blue sky turned black and the clouds are like lead.waves are like rolling rocks and winds are flying knives. A beam of light appears from far away on the horizon then disappears in a second. Like hope that comes to you with a promise the goes away with disappointment. Reasons seem to be of no logic and meaning seem to be of no comprehension. All I want is just to hold you hand, to pull you into that cave in me where you belong. But as the fading light disappeared, so did you. I have learnt not to blame anybody. but the ship has to move on and on. I hope I can see you again someday, oneday when the sky turns blue again. A Bientot.

Cube Darkness

Bored as hell. Life to me is nothing but a wasted time. Hold your oar and start rowing in this storm and u will know how I feel. Who r u anyway? All I write is all for myself. No one knows nor feels me. Its a cube of Darkness I am cornered in it somewhere. A hatchless cube with razor sharp edges heading inwards tearing my very lonely existence. Darkness is the ambiance that moves my life. Pointlessness is the theme. Meaninglessness is just a simple description of it. I don't believe that what was lost can ever be found & I have lost alot..

I Just love it

Abba: The Winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history

I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence

But you see

The winner takes it all.

To God, Please read this whenever You have time.

A Filthy heart is mine, a twisted road, I am blind. Why do you tolerate me and my filthiness all this time? Why are you so merciful and patient all the time? You know I am a useless vine. Why? WHY? You say You love me. I can`t believe it though it's the only motive that makes sense. I wish I could. Can You make me Believe? Can You change my heart. Reach down and cleanse its filthiness. My dirt and shame? You already did, Can You do it again? Disturbed minded creature, so lonely and trapped inside its unconscious scars of the past and its pre-existence, trapped in death and vanity, in fainting daydreams. Me. Can You break through to me? Make the unexpected come true, the impossible to be available abundantly? Can You.. Help me God? Can You Love me? Find me? Seek me and rescue me? Free me? Release me from the sin that dwells in my body mind and will. Desire and determination. Instinct and inclination. Can You? Can You break all my enemies? Fortify my walls? Settle peace for my people? Can You make me a child again? Pure without sin? Can You give me back what I lost, all those years that have gone away in vain? My health, my strength, myself? Can You bring back all that was damaged? All that was broken? All that was smashed against the walls of me? Or bring me a long sleep to eternity. For it will be like nothing to live as I do. My life is another zero. Like this.

God, if You wont change me nothing ever will. Somehow I know u will ..

Post Operation

Yep, I am alive!
The LORD my God saved me and carried me with love all the way through. No pain though everything hurt. No Lonleliness though I was all by myself. No fear though it was a matter of life and death. My God carried me all through. As the cavalry breaks through the foot soldiers, so did He!

Thank You God!

Devouring unconsciousness

It's time. I look back. I came a long way through. I turn to look. I find a wall before me.
No more steps to take. Now my life stops. My consciousness fades. No reasons. No feelings. Silence.
Stepping in a cold fridge is the only thing you can do before a wall. Specially that kind of wall. Lie back. Your trip starts. Ending up healed with pain or cold as rain that pours on the sand in vain. A trip no one would willingly choose, but I do out of obedience. But I am not convinced. Not my desire. Walking a path I never chose and an end I never knew. Stone heart. Beat no more. Precious gold covering. Peel off.
Life, You Killer of the living. You reviver of memories. Creator of pain. Earth, Scrambler of friends. Time, You thief of opportunities and robber of youth. How much time do I have to stand up against all of you? Am I your rival or another one of your victims.

Lord, God. What now?

Pre operation

Yesterday, I learnt that I have to undergo an operation. The doctors found multiple stones in my gall bladder and decided that I would better remove it.
I don't know how to describe my feelings. Sometimes fear, sometimes normality. I don't know I think of death, leaving this life, old age and pain. Oh God why is this life so cruel? And why are you so silent? Don't mind my ignorance I am just another scared little son of Yours. You are my daddy, I can only talk to you. No one else understands anything I say. From Your look, I know You do. Anyway let Your will be done. I know You are in control of all that and it all will turn up to be for my good because You love me.

Gone (poetry)

The harbor, A Grey skyed day & ship just left the dock and sailing away.
And here you stand face to the sea, wishing it didn't have to be.
A tear might drop from your face with a heart that longed for grace.
Hoping we were all te same so that none of us would bear blame.
Now you have to carry it alone, For now.. She is Gone.


Copyright © 2005, Kareem Makram

Words of the Speachless

A blade has run through my heart, a spear has pierced my liver. Behold my blood runs like rivers and my spirit fades like smoke. Bringers of the bad news found me and made my heart their refuge. Who can lift my sorrows? Who can dry my tears? Who can hear my voice and listen to my screams? Mercy has fallen down to the earth but has never found me.

May silence wrap my words and darkness my sun.
for who once was dear, now is gone.

Love you, Love me

Slow music, fading lights. And still I miss you.
long hours, Lonely nights. I really miss you.

your image never leaves my mind. Cant leave our memories behind.
in this world I feel alone and blind. Without you here by my side.

Never thought I would ever be like this. Didn't know it was you I miss.

Eyes of mystery, pretty as the moon. Hope my eyes will see you soon.

cant stand my heart beats. Like a drum that looses its beat.
deep in me I can feel the heat. You are so sweet.

Lady of silence. Walking alone in the dark.
its cold outside. Come back to my warm shack.
Lady of quietness. Isolation and loneliness.
I wish I could cover u with my arms.

my eyes are hungry and starving. Your beauty used to fill me with life.
you are life but I wish I wasn't born. Why did you leave me? I don't want to be alone.

I don't know why I love you. I don't think I will ever do.
you are a part of me. I wouldn't ever let you go.

I am so uncertain about the things I feel about you.
they are too many that I can never count or sow

words flow from me like streams of honey.
so sweet so slow.

its only a cry to you.
I think I am in love.

My Cross

At this very moment I am on the edge of depression. Loneliness is killing me. I seek someone to listen to me. No one cares. Through this life I have seeked a good friend but never found one. The only one I think I can talk to is so far away from me. Behind the wall.

I wish I could just break this Damn Wall!
if can only make her love me, if I can only get her to care.

The Hell with what I think. My mind is not right. Not logic. My heart is not straight.
I hurt and bleed. Does it matter, does it not? Who cares? Do I?

her face, she is all think of. Obsession or adoration?
does she like me?

some knife cut through me, actually cut me in 2
who am I? Who r u?

I am you and u r me. I hope that One day we would set each other free.
God! Are you reading this? Cause I hope u do. No one in this world can save me but You.

I hurt and bleed on this side of this wall.
on the other side I hope she wouldn't hurt at all.

God I pray you would listen and hear, look down on my falling tears.
spare me the cross I bear, Free me from my roaming fear.
of the words I can't hear, the she doesn't want me this near.
if she is not for me and I am for her, then why is she to me so dear?

O God see my tear, to my prayer listen and hear.

Love / Friendship

The hardest kind of involvement is to fall in love from one side.
it keeps draining your emotions and arousing your imaginations, drifting you away from reality to a place where you cannot return as smoothly as you came.

I am stuck. In this one side love where she doesn't see me. Where my songs of love are like a noisy TV to her. My roses are like advertisements. My love notes are like newspapers. My tears are like rain. My passionate heart-beats are like drums.
My love is just friendship to her.

Dear, I cannot blame you. I can only blame myself

To the most wonderful

To the most wonderful friend I ever had.
the sweetest, cutest. The one who captured my eyes the first time I saw her.
the one who captured my heart through time. A beautiful person and a lovely heart.

you, were a dream to me. A star that I wanted to reach once but I couldn't. The more we talk together the more I feel I want to spend my whole life with you, for I have never found anyone as half as wonderful as u are, I doubt I ever will. I know you might not read my words as I am writing them. Maybe one day u will, maybe never.

to the one who Life is in her name. If you ever read this you will know.

On the Edge and Over!

As I am writing this I feel like I am really on the edge about to fall over. Too much stress I am going through. Cannot take it anymore. I work like 16 hours a day and sleep like 6 hours. 24 hours of death and isolation. Either alone working before my computer screen or resting my head on the pillow. Feeling like its the beginning of a breakdown. My ending begins. But will it ever end?

Goodbye John

"Sudanese Rebel Who Made Peace Dies"
Headlines for today's news. A sad way to start the day. John Garang, The one who freed the South of Sudan and made a stand for African Christians against the application of Islamic Sharia by a treacherous government. He stood for what he believed and was ready to pay the price.
Today he paid the price in full. No one can hurt you now John, Rest in Peace.

A New Start

From now on I am going to stop Dying and start Living. I will be who i am, feel, Breathe and Be. Letting go of my past and looking foreward to my present and hoping for a better future.

Heroes & the Test of Time

Some of us don't really make it through the test of time. Some fall, some crawl, Some stall and others just roll. Everyone has his/her own way. But eventually everyone fails in his unique way. I guess only the Honest, The Loving, The True hearted heroes stand tall.

Tough? Enough!

Had a long hard day. Met with a couple of clients to discuss work. I don't really know what's going on with clients these days? Some of them are playing stupid others are bluntly aggressive. God hope I get to know who I am and where I should fit. I feel like Joseph when he was in prison for no crime he has committed but of a crime he didn't do. Why does life have to be this way?I wish life was a person I would have asked her. She is everywhere but not somewhere. I can only find You God to talk to. I know you read my thoughts even before they become blogs.

To God

Now is the time, When all is gone. When everything I have built have crumbled down to ashes and dust. When all my dreams are sinking. When all my planed have failed.

God what is left for me now? What do I do? Where do I go? Look at what I have ended up to. Look at what I have become! Is death so far away? Or is my tomb mot ready yet? Why do you leave me like this? Where do you go? How do you hide like this? I am Nothing. God listen to me.. I am NOTHING! How do you like that? Tell me how do you accept that? How? Why? God, When? When will it end? When will I leave this earth? When will I be who I really am? I am so down, God please don't mind my useless utterings this very moment for my life is as bitter as Mudd. My breath is as depressed and my heart has no desires. My eyes see no future and my ears hears of no hope. My mind is the bowl of all the dirt and my heart is broken and useless.

Keep me not in this life.. Have mercy on me. Please Lord just let me out, Your way.

Away

When silence is far more communicating than words. When quietness is more meaningful than voice. When it is less effective to speak. When its useless to express. That's when I know that you love me no more.

Those Darn Thoughts

More than a week now and I still cant sleep! Cant close my eyes and Find Rest! O God for how long will I stay excited about everything? Do I have a Child in me and I never knew? Wow I wish it can be true. But still I cant sleep.

what's wrong with those darn mosquitoes!? Why they wake up at night why do they make friends with restless thoughts? Why do they disturb my peace?

I guess I am just a child with a Big "Why" and a big "Question Mark" on his mind. I seek answers and I am never satisfies and never convinced by mediocre answers and explanations.

hell! I am confused tonight. What am I typing?
I guess I need to relax.. Calm down (as one of my friends once told me) yeah.. I guess I feel peace now and go to bed.

Accept - Get over

Taking the wrong step in a dance is not always a forgivable mistake.
that happened to me. In the dance of love. Just as it began, I started on the wrong foot.
But no more regrets, I have learnt the lesson... Well
I will smile and never frown, I will get up leave the memory behind.
Face to the sun no looking back, pressing on pressing hard.

Life, Listen to me ..

I will smile while its Blue
I will hold on to what is True
& I will win whatever you do

so Help me God.

The Hibernation of Feelings

My friends are always dear to me even if they don't know it. They keep their place in my heart though they might not value it. Through time they forget and by time they get colder, Leaving their place to be filled with emptiness.

I cant say I am the best friend anyone can get but I know I got my good sides and my bad sides. My bright days and my dark nights, my abilities and my needs. Don't we all?
Well lately I have decided to bring my feelings into hibernation..

I hope the impact of my words would not be shocking to you but I really believe that's the best thing I can ever do to save my energy and invest my time. Emotions have sucked life and joy out of me for there is no one who really cares about me and who I really am. Everyone is busy with his/her life and whenever the are in a good mode I might appear like a good memory to them. Jesus said:

"love your neighbor as you love yourself"

and yet I have never found that person who would follow what Jesus said yet people think I am very sensitive irrational, a hopeless romantic. I am not. atleast according to the words of Jesus I am not. People deserve and need to be loved and cherished like that but that cold System that we serve has really got into us all.

Another heartbreaking fact I face is that there is no one who would trust you when you knock at their doors to give love not to take. To help not to seek and to support not to be rescued. Many have fears of strangers even the ones with love in their hearts and marks of nails in their wrists.

Jesus My Lord, if they have rejected You, the Perfect One would anybody accept me with all my clumsiness and weakness? I doubt. Please Keep me warm in that Ice Age until the time is right to awake.

Faith

Infront of a Goliath, Before a battle where you are outnumbered, seiging the walls of a City with a guitar in hand, Walking on water, running from a killer queen, Waiting through time & seizing the promise land. If not by faith it wouldn't have happened and none would have broken the rule.

God You know how tired and weak I am, but I will hold on to You. If You are pleased with me I know You will hand me what You promised. My enemy is strong but I look not for appearance, I follow Your words. So Help me be who I am not and Do what I cannot.

The Ice Cube Tunnel

Welcome to the tunnel.. That one has no end and there is no light that might be waiting for you. Forget hope and Love, forget those dreams and those visions. Don't expect anything here. There is nothing left but loneliness and fear.

Oh God sometimes I feel so sick of life that I wish I didn't have to happen to me.
Sometimes I feel I want to Call
yes to call onto someone that I don't know, someone to love and to love me the same way too. And like a mad man I am being judged and my passion is treated as a Joke!

Who Dare Challenge my love? Who would dare to prove more passionate than me? From the looks of your eyes from how people judge me I can say that I am an extreme. I don't care. I am who I am. But.. Unfortunately I haven't found her, the one to contain my passion and enjoy it.

This Is the ICE AGE for sure. People are like statues in Huge Ice Cubes. Cant even cry for help. But I don't want be like you, no I wont enter my ice crypt cube. I want to see the sun.

Its been years now and I am looking for you, Are you out there? Can you hear me? Do you know me? O God how long do I have to wait? Will I end up in an ice cube like all the others? Please don't close the Fridge.

The Downfall and The Uprise

I had a problem. I met a very nice young lady and I was so much attracted to her. As we started to communicate my emotions immensed like a wild horse running fast and strong. I couldn't control it. It revealed itself. She got scared and backed up.
I don't blame her as a matter of fact I can only blame myself and that was my Downfall!
what I did was too much for her to handle. Now when I am out of that Horse body I can tell I was wrong, obsessed. I lost my free spirit. Now after I realized what I have done I was buried in disgrace and shame.

that's when I talked to God. I prayed: "God give me the strength to let her go. To free my heart, to regain my independence." I talked and directed my words to her and I set her free in love. I didn't hate her, she didn't do me any harm. She was as cute as an angel and as nice as a butterfly , as precious to me as a pure diamond. She was not the problem. I was. And to stop myself from being the problem I had to set her free from me.

I did it, by the strength of God, I did. And now I feel so free from that "obsessive me". I bless her and love her the same as I did but she is no longer my obsession and I don't think she will ever be the same as before with me. But anyway let the best be for her and as for me I am not expecting less. No more downfalls to keep me chained, its time for my Uprise.

Ice or Fire

Have you ever felt stupid? Have you ever regretted doing something so much you wished you want to die? I have.
sometimes emotions are incomprehensible, silly and exaggerated. To the mind .. Yes
but this is emotion. Unexplainable. When you put it in words, its never understood and would sound so dumb.
meanwhile brain talk seem so cold like an ice-blade a razor. Very well defined and lacking all meaning and passion but full with certainty and facts.

Have you ever wondered what happens when Ice and Fire collide inside of you?
that's my case, Emotions are like fire and sanity is like ice they struggle in me that I wish I was better not born. Reason humiliates emotion and emotion solidifies reason. But only you suffer that headache because both of them are parts of you.

So that leaves me now for this solution. Balance. Giving room for emotions and logic for reason. But am I the only one out there believing in that? I guess I can tell about others now from the temperature of their skin. Maybe.

My E-Pigeon

Locked in a floating ship, rain and flood all around, it been days no sunlight. You open your small hatch and send a crow away, never comes back. Blindly driven with no rudder, sail or engine no radar or radio, you see no hope no horizon.

I feel the same too sometimes in my life I follow God with all my understanding and strength but there comes a time when I am like a submarine captain with no working equipment and a helpless crew. But I decided to open the hatch and this time, I sent the pigeon away, with a message, An E-Mail. Will it come back one day with hope? Or will it join my absent crow.

Alone

Loneliness is one of the major issues I struggle with. And it always keeps me awake thinking.. "Would tomorrow be the same like today was?". Its terrible when you don't have a partner someone who shares your life with you equally. You stay dissatisfied feeling you miss something.. Someone.

I don't know about you, if u have the same problem too. Maybe you are married and you still feel it and maybe you are single and you don't bother by it. But somewhere within your life I know u must feel this somewhere. Maybe, ,maybe I am wrong. Doesn't matter. I am only a human being, I can be wrong and I can be right. Its the pleasure of discovering I guess that keeps us going.

God, sometimes I feel I want to shout out loud and make some noise, saying nothing I don't care, just to get some attention. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born yet, though deep inside I long for life. Really I wouldn't want to leave life and quit breathing, but I get so stubborn and rebellious that I would crush the same thing I have created like an artist destroying his artwork. And though its somehow different, Moses also crushed the 10 commandments when he found the people worshipping other gods than Jehovah, who they followed out of Egypt. Seems to me from where I stand, all people are the same.